My husband gives me permission to go out, and I feel grateful FFS - is this trauma bonding??

[Moonah]

I have friends. My H doesn't have any. A night out was arranged this week, and it struck me much later that (1) my H gave me permission to go, and (2) that I actually felt grateful that he gave me permission. I hadn't realised this happened before now, and it's caused me to really examine my own feelings and reactions to him, and I've realised that when my friends arrange a night out, I dread telling my H and I put off mentioning it. When I do eventually tell him, my heart beats faster and I get a knot of tension in my stomach. His response is always to either frown and look angry and say 'Are you going?' in a really annoyed tone, or to pause and then say 'You can go if you want'. If the former, I then feel worried and chew on it for hours (and if I'm brave enough to ask why he's annoyed, he always denies that he is, but again in an annoyed tone, and then he's off with me for hours). But if he says I can go, I actually feel grateful and relieved.

There's so much wrong else in this relationship. It's a constant cycle of him alternating between being moody and being lovely. I'm on eggshells, then I'm relaxed, I'm on eggshells, then I'm relaxed: over and over and over, all depending on my H's mood. When he's stressed or busy, he takes his moods out on me – snapping at me and being horrible to me, banging about, slamming doors, loud irritated sighs, etc., but then denying it if I ask him what's wrong: "nothing" is his stock answer. And then I'm tense and worried. We've just had 4 days of him being angry about something that happened at work, and I've been tense and walking on eggshells for all that time. Then yesterday, he suddenly gave me a hug and told me he loved me (no apology: there's never an apology because he is never ever in the wrong, ever) and I was flooded with gratefulness and relief, and now he's back to being really nice again, relaxed and laughing and joking.

There are loads of other things: he's a compulsive liar, he regularly gives me me silent treatment, he refuses to discuss any issues, he's resentful and holds silent grudges for years, he messes with my stuff behind my back then pretends he hasn't. He's fussy and controlling. He's never wrong - if I mention an issue then he instantly denies it and turns it back on me so I end up confused and believing I'm the one in the wrong. We haven't had sex for 10 years, we don't hold hands or kiss, and there's only affection when he's going through a nice cycle. But when it IS a nice cycle - which is about half of the time - he's funny and good company and we get on so well, and I just love those times.

I recognise all this. I know this is a shit relationship. I've got a job, I earn (just about) enough to finance a solo life, we don't have children, I've got a lot of friends and people like me, I've got hobbies and interests. I'd be totally fine living alone, so I have literally no idea why I stay - apart from the times when he's lovely, and those feelings of floods of relief and gratefulness, and I just want to stay here with him in this relationship so strongly that I keep repeating this ridiculous cycle, and I just know if I left I'd miss him so much.

If this was a friend of mine telling me this I'd tell her to run for the hills. It's fucking ludicrous. Even typing this, I'm annoyed at how pathetic I am. So I googled this morning 'why do I feel grateful when my partner is nice to me' and ended up down this rabbit hole of abusive relationships and trauma bonding. Is that what this is??

I'm 55 and we've been together for 30 years.

Also if you have somewhere you can store stuff I'd start buying new things every time you go shopping. Eg a pan here and a kettle there. Tell him the hoover has stopped working and buy another etc. Because if you leave the house you wont be taking a load of stuff like that with you and he wont let you take your 'share'

I have been through this too.

Be careful about telling people. Secrets are best kept when they're not shared.

Keep your new address confidential. Check that he hasn't put tracking devices in your car or any other stuff (apple air-tags, find my friends, etc.)

Change all your passwords and get a new phone/email to use for anything to do with your escape plan.

Can you rent a small storage unit to start putting your things prior to moving out?

Don't be afraid of having that first solicitor meeting - it's very matter-of-fact and you will probably find it reassuring. You don't have to hire the lawyer - it's just a preliminary meeting.

Get as much cash as you can lay your hands on. Cashback from the supermarket, buying extra things that you will need to take with you, and so on.

Hold steady and stay focussed. Have a look at The Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I wish you the very best of luck.

How are you op?

Also buy a tesco card qnd top it up by uneven amounts like 15.08 every time you go to the shop.

Xxxx

I agree with sicario. I told nobody. I disappeared one day. I didn't have the luxury of saying goodbye to everybody.

Sorry I've not posted for a few days.

I'm really low to be honest. I've always been such a cheery, positive person, but right now I'm just so very sad and tense and unhappy. I've been looking for rentals, and there was one that looked promising - I rang the agent, but it had gone. They'd had 12 viewings and out of them, 11 people had put offers in on it. Now there isn't a single rental in my area - not a single one! So that's depressing, and I'm trying very hard not to let it make me feel trapped here with no options for leaving.

Anyway, I'm making my way through my lists. Thank you to the poster who suggested adding insurance policies to my list - something I hadn't thought of. It's very overwhelming though and it's hit home just how much there is to do and to untangle.

I've also tentatively started looking for a solicitor. And I thought it would be a good idea to perhaps have some therapy. I found a therapist that has experience of helping people in abusive relationships and surviving narcissism. So I've dropped her an email.

Gosh that was a self-pitying, maudlin post! I think I'm just really overwhelmed, and I really hate this limbo feeling.

Oh love. Just look for a flat share

go quietly, get someone to help you move

he will never change, he is a dysfunctional individual and he clearly doesn’t know how to be any other way

abuse is text book - honestly renting a room temporarily is better than what you have been enduring

i can sense that you might waver but please know that he won’t change

sending hugs

It’s actually not, you’re being very sensible and practical about everything which shows a real strength as your emotions must be all over the place.

would womens aid be able to help finding somewhere to live? It also doesn’t need to be your forever place could you find a temporary rental, or even an Airbnb room which should be quite cheap as we come into winter while you look for something more permanent.

good luck, you’ve come so far just making the realisation and decision to act. Theres going to be more moments of bravery to come but everyone here is behind you 💐

Whatever you do don't have dc with this man. It's all abuse.

If you think he will be financially difficult then can you start stocking up on gift cards for supermarkets, house stuff, essentials, clothes etc? Many gift cards have a 2 year lifecycle. I know that my local furniture and flooring/carpet centres allow you to build up credit to buy stuff at a later date, is that an option for you?

Don't waste another day of your precious life with him op.

Nothing self pitying about it.

You are getting organised in a timeframe that suits you.

Absolutely EXCELLENT advice to buy gift cards for odd amounts at different useful stotes.

The odd amounts should put him off.

You could have free food for months with them.

Keep posting.

I'm sorry you're feeling low, OP. I think it's very common once the scales fall from someone's eyes that they experience a whole gamut of emotions, and will go from being super motivated to very down quite a lot. It's difficult for your brain to process what's going on - and then it's also difficult for your brain to ignore it once you've noticed your situation. It can be exhausting.

I think it's really, really brilliant that you emailed the therapist, well done! And you obviously researched them carefully beforehand and put a lot of thought into it. Have they contacted you?

Keep taking your "small next steps", it's a bit like eating an elephant (one bite at a time!). It's understandable that you feel very overwhelmed. Keep ploughing on as and when you can.

I only saw your thread today so I just wanted to pick up from when you said that he wasn't even emotionally abusive - but in fact, huge tracts of what you write describe his emotional abuse of you. When you're ready to ring Women's Aid I think it will really help you to recognise his behaviour. They are not only there for women in physically abusive relationships - when you think about it, some men are so scary they are able to control their partners without resorting to violence, which in some ways is even worse. Women's Aid are there for you too. A lot of the time the best thing an "outsider" can do is help you gain perspective and validation.

Not self pitying at all ! You're finding your way, slowly, carefully, but determinedly too !

Great idea to get Asda/Amazon/Boots etc vouchers with every shop, just keep them hidden away so you've got them to use when you've left

If rentals are scarce in your 'area', can you go further afield ? Maybe somewhere near your job ? Sometimes it's better to go for a bigger flat than you need, then advertise for a flatmate ?(It might be easier to move further afield just so you won't bump into him locally.)

Or is there family/friends who could house you temporarily ? Or as PP suggested, a long let AirBnB ? (I'm sure you'd have a chance of finding one as you're a mature single woman, not a 20 something party animal, and as it's autumn/winter, there's more free ?)

When you've seen a solicitor, think about having an alternate address for documents to be sent to you (anything that can't be emailed), so that he never sees any mail. Also make sure you regularly change your email/phone passwords etc, as he probably knows them (and although he's never tried to access them before, that may well change quickly when he knows you've left).
(Don't forget to do a Royal Mail change of address when you leave too.)

You'll need to make a list of companies you'll need to inform once you have a 'leaving' date too, so Netflix/Gas & Elec/House/Car Insurance/ DVLA/ Phone & Internet provider/ Council Tax etc etc. Anything that has your name on and is connected to the house needs to be told you're no longer living there, and anything that could move with you e.g Phone/Internet/Netflix etc gets told to transfer to your new address on whatever date.

Some air B and B rentals will take people on a longer term basis - 3-6 months, at a much lower rate, if you can pay upfront? You could use that time to find more permanent accommodation?

Oh sorry, I see that has been suggested.

Are you for real 😂 counselling or working on the relationship doesn’t work with abusers. What a waste of life having to ask permission to go out with friends, fuck that I’d rather be single and live my best life (the rest of it alone) than with some waste of space abuser.

OP you’d have left a long time ago if there wasn’t some times he was nice, that’s the point, he has to be nice to keep you there, it’s called the cycle of abuse, abusers don’t keep their victims by being shitty all the time, being nice is part of the confusion and manipulation.

just reading through the thread OP good stuff getting it all together, the other posters here have lots of great advice good luck to you XX

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate that you keep checking in on me and writing supportive posts. It definitely helps.

Great ideas about the gift cards and looking at AirBnB long term rentals. I'll look into that.

I'm feeling a bit better today than yesterday, but very up and down. I think, as a few of you have said, now that I've recognised it for what it is, I can't put it back in its box. I feel better for working through my lists though.

He of course doesn't suspect a thing. I think he thinks I'd never leave him so he can act as badly as he likes towards me. After all, I'm still here 30 years on aren't I.

Whatever you do don't have dc with this man

I'm postmenopausal and we've not had sex for so many years I can't even remember the last time, so at least this is one worry I can tick off

Thank you - this is really helpful. I'll get these added to my lists.

Okay this makes a LOT of sense, especially the going from being super motivated to very down quite a lot - this is most definitely what's happening. I can be humming away quite happily to a song one moment, then an hour later barely able to hold back tears and feeling utterly despairing. It's must unlike me and it's really unsettling me.

Register your interest with the local letting agents so they will let you know of any houses before they show on the internet....the house I let was never on the internet..they had just picked up the keys that day......

Hugs lots of them you need them you’re doing fantastic, you’ll get there just takes time. Others have advised brilliantly so I can’t add anything but rooting for you.