My husband gives me permission to go out, and I feel grateful FFS - is this trauma bonding??

[Moonah]

I have friends. My H doesn't have any. A night out was arranged this week, and it struck me much later that (1) my H gave me permission to go, and (2) that I actually felt grateful that he gave me permission. I hadn't realised this happened before now, and it's caused me to really examine my own feelings and reactions to him, and I've realised that when my friends arrange a night out, I dread telling my H and I put off mentioning it. When I do eventually tell him, my heart beats faster and I get a knot of tension in my stomach. His response is always to either frown and look angry and say 'Are you going?' in a really annoyed tone, or to pause and then say 'You can go if you want'. If the former, I then feel worried and chew on it for hours (and if I'm brave enough to ask why he's annoyed, he always denies that he is, but again in an annoyed tone, and then he's off with me for hours). But if he says I can go, I actually feel grateful and relieved.

There's so much wrong else in this relationship. It's a constant cycle of him alternating between being moody and being lovely. I'm on eggshells, then I'm relaxed, I'm on eggshells, then I'm relaxed: over and over and over, all depending on my H's mood. When he's stressed or busy, he takes his moods out on me – snapping at me and being horrible to me, banging about, slamming doors, loud irritated sighs, etc., but then denying it if I ask him what's wrong: "nothing" is his stock answer. And then I'm tense and worried. We've just had 4 days of him being angry about something that happened at work, and I've been tense and walking on eggshells for all that time. Then yesterday, he suddenly gave me a hug and told me he loved me (no apology: there's never an apology because he is never ever in the wrong, ever) and I was flooded with gratefulness and relief, and now he's back to being really nice again, relaxed and laughing and joking.

There are loads of other things: he's a compulsive liar, he regularly gives me me silent treatment, he refuses to discuss any issues, he's resentful and holds silent grudges for years, he messes with my stuff behind my back then pretends he hasn't. He's fussy and controlling. He's never wrong - if I mention an issue then he instantly denies it and turns it back on me so I end up confused and believing I'm the one in the wrong. We haven't had sex for 10 years, we don't hold hands or kiss, and there's only affection when he's going through a nice cycle. But when it IS a nice cycle - which is about half of the time - he's funny and good company and we get on so well, and I just love those times.

I recognise all this. I know this is a shit relationship. I've got a job, I earn (just about) enough to finance a solo life, we don't have children, I've got a lot of friends and people like me, I've got hobbies and interests. I'd be totally fine living alone, so I have literally no idea why I stay - apart from the times when he's lovely, and those feelings of floods of relief and gratefulness, and I just want to stay here with him in this relationship so strongly that I keep repeating this ridiculous cycle, and I just know if I left I'd miss him so much.

If this was a friend of mine telling me this I'd tell her to run for the hills. It's fucking ludicrous. Even typing this, I'm annoyed at how pathetic I am. So I googled this morning 'why do I feel grateful when my partner is nice to me' and ended up down this rabbit hole of abusive relationships and trauma bonding. Is that what this is??

I'm 55 and we've been together for 30 years.

Do you have your own bank account or savings that you could use for a deposit for a flat? A friend or family address that you could use for correspondence as you plan this?

We have joint finances, but we have also each have savings in single names. So I do have a fund of money that is enough to fund a deposit and a few months of rental payments. I don't actually know if I'm allowed to spend assets while we'd be in that period of being separated but not divorced. I really need to see a solicitor to find all this out.

You could call WA for support and advice. This is a situation they have seen thousands of times unfortunately.

When you do go I’d advise not telling him beforehand as he’ll really ramp it up. Possible suicide threats etc. Also be aware you will feel conflicted as you do it probably, and afterwards. That’s how this type of control/abuse works. You won’t feel better then leave. You’ll leave then slowly feel better. Take all the support you can get. Good luck.

OP I can relate to the stage you're at. I was in this position for ages, ruminating. Even when I wasn't a 100% ready I started to get stuff organised (in case) getting rid of things I didn't need, looking at how I could get around things if I left etc. It wasn't long after that I finally decided to leave, but I'm glad I was a 100% as I felt I could deal with it properly. You will have moments of, am I doing the right thing, will I miss him etc, it's natural. But it sounds like you're certain that you want to be free, be able to do stuff on your own etc without being terrorised, you'll never be able to do this whilst you're with him, he's not learning/doesn't want to learn.
100% do this for a quality of life. I always wondered why I hadn't done it much sooner. And you don't have commitments with him, so can cut ties!

Just remember that the very reason he's spent years controlling you and building the fences high is that you are a capable , intelligent and practical person. I'm also guessing that people find you likeable and that you have made him look good by showing these traits. He needs you far more than you've ever needed him and you'll almost definitely make a great life for yourself once you're away and independent.

Oh thank you I really hate to blow my own trumpet, but yes people do tend to like me. I'm generally a really cheery person (I know, you wouldn't believe it from this thread!!) and I have a lot of friends and people who enjoy spending time with me. In fact, it was this trait that he said he fell in love with me for.

I have only read your posts OP, and it is very clear to me that you are going to leave him. You have only tolerated the relationship thus far because you didn't understand it and/or were in denial about it. You no longer have the protection of ignorance and it will kill you to stay. The type of behaviours you describe in him are worrying and the fact that it is becoming increasingly uncertain what mood he will be in, means that you are endangering your mental health even further by staying any longer than necessary. His history of going after people who have wronged him makes me think that it does not matter how this relationship ends, he will behave badly when it does. You know this, so you have two choices really, stay with him forever or get out as cleanly and as quickly as possible, but expect the worst. You need to do what you can to mitigate any damage. Never argue over text for example, never leave voicemails unnecessarily, don't write anything down that could harm you. Get rid of anything in the house that he could use to harm you (diaries etc). Save your photos somewhere safe. I know that sounds daft but he reminds me of someone I used to go out with...

Keep posting and I don't think there is anyone who could encourage you to stay in this relationship. It sounds intolerable. You don't even have the benefit of living in a gilded cage, because that assumes that the cage is comfortable, and your life is anything but that.

Everything you've said here really resonates with my own situation. This is exactly what I'm very certain my H will do.

And yes, I'm convinced he'll need me to be punished and make me regret leaving him. I honestly believe he'd rather we both end up with no money than me get a fair share for example.

I'm not in contact with his family, no. He's no contact with them.

I agree to start looking around for a flat or a place to move into. It's better to get it all organised first and then you can just leave. You don't owe him anything. You only have one life to live and you deserve to be happy.

Do you have family around you can go and see for a week? Take your most needed stuff, flat hunt during that week.

At end of week go with family /friend/friend husband to tell him and collect other items you need.

Is this 'enough' abuse though for WA? It's not like it's physical or even emotional. He doesn't call me names or anything like that.

Thank you for sharing your own situation. Yes, I think this is what I'll do. Just get stuff organised. Go through 30 years of crap in the house and start having a clear out! Get paperwork together, etc. And hopefully during the process of doing this I'll get closer to that 100% that you talk about. I think I'm around 70% maybe at the moment.

It's a long marriage. Get out and go for his pension.

Thank you for all your advice.

You have only tolerated the relationship thus far because you didn't understand it and/or were in denial about it. You no longer have the protection of ignorance and it will kill you to stay.

Yes, I think you're you're right with this. I think I now can't 'unsee' it. It's gone too far and I'm not confused anymore - I get it; I get what he is.

I don't have the option of staying with anyone really. My parents are too elderly to cope with it, and don't have the space anyway, and friends are all either in marriages or have children and just don't have space. I think my best bet is as posters have suggested: get organised, sort my shit out, see a solicitor, get closer to being 100%, then look for a rental. Then tell him once all that's sorted.

Good luck with getting to that 100%! I don't think it'll be long. Here to chat or a answer any questions etc. X

And you are putting up with this massive jerk instead of finding a lovely man because ————- (please fill in the blanks for me).

Hi Op you are being so brave.

get everything in place before you say anything to him, you have been married a very long time you will not walk away empty handed you will be entitled to your share of the house and may even have a claim on his pension so as tempting as it is to go the path of least resistance you will hopefully have a long happy life once this is over it would be nice if it were financially comfortable.

First thing on the to do list is find a really good lawyer.

@JamesBondOO7 please refrain from ever commenting on a thread again where the OP is an abusive relationship. Your terrible 'advice' could well put someone in danger one day. Telling someone who is in an abusive relationship to stay because 'they don't know what they will end up with" is by far the worst reply I have ever seen on here.

Op, what you will end up with is a life free from your abusive husband. And in time, a life where you won't be experiencing persistent anxiety. Your life does not have to be this way, please leave.

I have no further advice as I am you but without the benefit of being financially independent. I have collated all paperwork and now I am stuck. I have no idea if he can guess but he's being the nicest hes ever been. My ill health doesn't help with the procrastination either.

There are some very wise women here so keep posting, and good luck.

The ‘home sickness’ is a normal grief to leaving the home you have lived in For a long time and loved. A fresh place arranged to suit you will soon become that place you call home.
And of course this time when you come in and shut the door, you won’t have to think about what mood he’ll be in. It takes a while like all habits, but eventually it does stop, and you’ll only have yourself to please. Believe me, it’s awfully nice to be free! Be fierce but be very discreet.

Getting ALL financials and paperwork together.

Source a good lawyer.

Find a small rental as far away as works for you.

Tell friends for support.

Get the things you value out of the home.

Do not tell him you are going and if you can take the opportunity to leave when he is out.

Sort out YOUR stuff so that you can remove what you want easily and quickly.

If you took a rental, stock it up with extra un noticeable bits from your home now.

Keep posting.

He sounds truly awful.

Oh my god - get out of there and run. Then look behind you and run a bit more. He's got you completely beaten down by the sound of it.

Sorry you've gone through/are going through this.

Hi OP,
You've had some excellent advice already. You write beautifully by the way and it's clear you will absolutely thrive on your own.
Just one thing I wanted to pick up on:
there's a part of me that thinks that if he realises how serious I am this time that he'll do a big about-face and totally change, and be the 'nice husband' side of him all the time, instead of cycling between the two extremes of his character. I know you're right though. It probably would happen actually - he'd turn into 'nice husband' for a good long while, but experience tells me that it wouldn't last for the rest of our lives.

Ultimately then, you acknowledge that his behaviour is a choice. Because you know that he can choose to behave nicely, even lovingly, if it achieves his desired end.

So even if he could choose to behave nicely towards you, for a significant period of time, would you ever be truly happy? Because you would know that he's not behaving lovingly towards you intrinsically, that it's a reflection of how he feels. You'd know deep down it was an act, put on to achieve his desired end of you not leaving. Is that enough for you?

I'm afraid these aren't "two extremes" of his character. The abusive him is the real him. The happy cycle is turned on at appropriate points to keep you in line, as required.

And yes, it IS abuse and it IS bad enough to ask for help from WA www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

It sounds like you have a good plan in place. Take your time and go for it.

The same thing happened to me: once I saw it, it was impossible to "unsee". I suggest you write down all the horrible things he does. Every time you wobble about leaving, re read them.

Life is SO much better on the other side.

How bizarre. Surely leaving and being single is better than living the rest of your life walking on eggshells. I seriously hope none of your friends approach you who are in abusive relationships and you tell them to stay 😮

Hi there, I have just privately messaged you with details of someone who helped me through a similar set of circumstances - I thoroughly recommend her - hope it helps!