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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

183 replies

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 22:54

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

OP posts:

wishesandkisses · 18/09/2022 22:59

I had an affair, in hindsight I had been unhappy for a long time. I was scared to leave because I didn't want to hurt him like that but ultimately I hurt him in a much worse way.

In the times I did attempt to leave he had mental breakdowns so I couldn't do it to him. I don't regret the relationship ending. I very much regret what I did.

WingBingo · 18/09/2022 23:10

I had an affair.

EX-DH didn’t do anything wrong, I just met some one who did it more right.

it was an awful thing to do and I felt much shame. To everyone else we probably appeared to be happily married and we were for a few years.

10 years later and 2 DC that I was told I would never have after 10 years of IVF with EX-DH, it all worked out ok.

he remarried quite quickly and I have been happily married for 7 years.

I left after telling EX-DH I was in love with someone else. So I never got found out but I did come clean.

it was a terrible thing at the time but history now.

Original poster

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 23:20

@wishesandkisses It sounds like he would’ve known you were unhappy with the relationship?

did you try to speak to him before?

in hindsight, do you think it would’ve been possible to end it any other way?

I have a friend who had an affair and I feel a huge amount of sympathy for her situation. It makes me wonder if it’s always as black and white as it seems on AIBU

OP posts:

lightisnotwhite · 18/09/2022 23:20

I know someone in her 40’s currently having a relationship with two married men. One sexual the other at dinner and dates. There have been others too. From what she says it’s clear that they just see it as something different to their daily lives. They just can’t resist the thrill of a new woman. She is attractive, articulate and well off. She’s never been married and never had children. It starts as a bit of flirty banter, they carry it on and there you go, it’s an affair.
We’ve had chats about the morality of it (I’ve been cheated on and I think it’s a dick move);but her thinking is quite mumsnet in that she’s single and can do what she wants and it’s the men at fault. She likes the pros of a relationship but not looking for long term commitment. Interestedly it’s always the men asking if they can leave their wives and move in whilst she’s adamant that she won’t do long term.

summergone · 18/09/2022 23:28

I did . My ex was very hard to live with , spoke to me like crap , couldn't be bothered to do anything with the kids , short tempered , never discussed money with me he just bought stupid things ( think a boat - we are 70 miles from the sea ) , did no housework , drunk too much . You get the picture . One night I went out got chatted up by an older man I was so flattered and we ended up having a 9 month affair. That relationship didn't last but it was the start of the end of my marriage. In hindsight I should have just ended the marriage really .

Original poster

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 23:30

@WingBingo did you stay with your affair partner? I find stories like yours interesting as it seems to have worked out better for all involved in the long run.

I think Charles and Camilla are a good example of a couple who should have been together from the start.

@lightisnotwhite I’d love to think what the wives of those husbands would say about their marriages. I wonder if they think everything is hunky dory while their husbands are plotting to leave

OP posts:

wishesandkisses · 18/09/2022 23:32

@Catastrophejane I think we were both burying our head in the sand pretending we were fine. He was 7 years older than me and I was 18 when we met. I got pregnant with our son at 19.

I met the guy I had an affair with and it hit me how much I had in common with this guy and how much me and my current boyfriend weren't actually on the same length anymore. That's when I began trying to break us up, not just because of the guy but a realisation that actually, we weren't 'there' anymore. My boyfriend had a severe mental breakdown and the other guy just gave me a break from the trauma of the situation (sectioned, suicide attempts, running away and coming home to a house covered in blood). In hindsight I obviously just made it a lot worse but I was just trying to get through the day.

My ex partner was a genuinely good guy and what I did I hate myself for. The guy I had an affair with was an arsehole in the end but to be fair I probably deserved it. Even if we ended up together i would still feel bad. My ex really didn't deserve it.

Wakemeup17 · 18/09/2022 23:38

If your husband is a bit shit in bed and you are unhappy - go and enjoy yourself, you deserve happiness. You only live once and it's not a rehearsal.

You haven't had sex with your husband in six years? Oh but the rest of your relationship is wonderful how dare he go and find someone else, the sex pest. Send him to the cleaners.

Wakemeup17 · 18/09/2022 23:40

Wakemeup17 · 18/09/2022 23:38

If your husband is a bit shit in bed and you are unhappy - go and enjoy yourself, you deserve happiness. You only live once and it's not a rehearsal.

You haven't had sex with your husband in six years? Oh but the rest of your relationship is wonderful how dare he go and find someone else, the sex pest. Send him to the cleaners.

@Catastrophejane sorry, that was in response to your question about it being black and white - no it is not.

Original poster

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 23:44

@Wakemeup17 The no sex thing always makes me wonder.

Id be devastated if my partner didn’t want a sexual relationship, but anyone who has an affair in these circumstances is still completely flamed on mumsnet!

OP posts:

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2022 23:45

I wasn't married but was living with a partner. He was extremely abusive - physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, financially. The affair gave me the courage to leave. I'm not particularly proud of it but neither am I ashamed. My ex did not deserve my fidelity. Didn't stay with my AP but we are still ok friends on a casual basis and chat every once in a while. No regrets at all.

Shabar · 18/09/2022 23:55

I had an affair (man) because it was offered on a plate and I fancied her. I wasn’t even unhappy. Didn’t get caught and put it to bed when it ended. Mates have done similar. Men don’t need much to get them interested !

Lackofpoise · 19/09/2022 00:01

@Shabar do you not feel guilty / remorseful that your wife is living a lie?

Maze76 · 19/09/2022 00:01

Shabar · 18/09/2022 23:55

☝🏾This is the more common reason for why men have affairs- simply because they can!

Itsthesamehere · 19/09/2022 00:11

Yep.
I am bisexual and had had affairs with women. DH eventually found out and that was that
I genuinely loved him and still do. I have been pretty miserable since as I’ve lost just about everything
and its all completely my fault. He has moved on and his girlfriend is way more beautiful than I ever was and our kids love her.

Seadad · 19/09/2022 00:58

I think you're asking the wrong question OP. By that I mean that just about everyone can understand the temptation of a fresh new relationship- the thrill, excitement, passion, intimacy, fulfillment, novelty, fantasy...the list goes on. The real question is why/how people five themselves permission - and not just once, but again and again, and of course the deceit, lies and betrayal it requires.
I think it comes down to levels of entitlement- what you think you deserve v what your partner or relationship deserves - who wins out?
I suspect most people imagine they can keep it secret. About 3 in 4 affairs are revealed eventually tho.

Seadad · 19/09/2022 01:02

*give themselves permission

AnotherVice · 19/09/2022 01:03

Mine was definitely an exit affair. I felt utterly trapped in my marriage (mortgage, children, he was breadwinner etc....) and whilst dh wasn't a bad man there were so, so many things that wore me down; advancing his career to the detriment of mine, said some despicable things about my family, sex very one-sided as well as constant petty domestic things. I think each incident pushed me closer to giving myself permission until one day the opportunity presented itself. I owned up and ended my marriage after nine months. Of course it would have been better to do that in the first place but I didn't know how.

Furnitureflipper · 19/09/2022 01:15

Many years ago I had an affair with a man who was kind to my son. My husband wasn't. My husband was cruel to my son and myself.

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2022 01:31

I had exit affairs from two relationships - the first partner I cheated on was Aggressive and occasionally violent, the second was a serial cheat himself. I don't regret either affair tho both were very short lived. The first was more a series of hook ups than an affair; with the second I briefly considered myself in love with my AP, tho he dumped me quickly after I became officially single (we did remain friends actually - he's not an awful guy but I am amazed I thought I loved him).

Everyone's story will be slightly different - you can't generalise. Of other affairs I know about in any detail: my dad had an affair with my mom because they fell in love and are still together now; one of my best friends has affairs because she is in a sexless marriage but she is fond of her husband and can't bring herself to hurt him by cheating. I have another friend who is currently contemplating an affair because her husband is impotent and a controlling arsehole.

One of my ex husbands cheated I believe because he loved sexual variety - he still loved me and always wanted to stay with me I believe. (And we did have loads of sex - he just wanted sex with a range of different women!)

You can't generalise really.

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 01:40

Exit affair; ex had become boring, pedantic, didn’t want sex any more, and seriously unfit. But mostly just knew I could not have children with someone who didn’t think broadly the same way as me on most things in life.

Happily married to OM for 10 years

He worked it out afterwards and was angry, but soon also resettled down with someone else.

Hawkins001 · 19/09/2022 02:26

Maze76 · 19/09/2022 00:01

☝🏾This is the more common reason for why men have affairs- simply because they can!

Show quote history

But when some the women offer it, what happened to women solidarity ?

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 02:45

But when some the women offer it, what happened to women solidarity ?

why does it have to be the woman who takes a moral view?

NotAnotherTaco · 19/09/2022 02:45

Because me and the guy I'm seeing are utterly selfish. There's no excusing it, neither can claim home life is so awful and mitigating circumstances etc. We're not soul mates, destined to be together. There is simply an attraction there that keeps pulling us in. It's 70% sexual connection, but there is love & respect as well.

There is little to zero chance of being found out - not because we think we're particularly smart or cunning, but just because of the circumstances of how we get to meet up (and yes, I'm being deliberately vague).

We've been seeing each other for a year, don't know what the end game is.

Hawkins001 · 19/09/2022 03:02

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 02:45

But when some the women offer it, what happened to women solidarity ?

why does it have to be the woman who takes a moral view?

Takes two, to tango and if men are bad for having an affair, then surely the same with the women that have them ?

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