Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

[Catastrophejane]

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

You know they don't need consent, right? Public forum, anything can be lifted. If you really don't want anything being picked up, I'd suggest getting your comment deleted!

@notsureitmatters no it’s not a journo thread, but this is a public forum. You’ve already published the story. Maybe delete if you don’t want people knowing your story?

there are probably more ‘readers’ on this website than these pointless clickbait articles. If people want to know what is on mumsnet, surely it’s easier just coming in here?

Some people who are generally happily married and made the mistake of having an affair can work on their marriage and themselves (often through counseling) and save it.

Did you talk to him about it?

What would happen if he found out?

I wonder how Adam Levine would answer this question?

In a relationship for most people means commitment & loyalty.

I don't understand how 'open' relations with cheating on both sides can ever work long-term. I would never share my husband with anyone.

That's not how public message boards work.

I had an affair for almost 4 years.

My DP at the time (who became DH during the affair) was a wonderful man. Absolutely lovely, there was no justifiable reason whatsoever to end a relationship with him. My AP was married.

We (the AP and I) were friends who became more. The affair was huge. Looking back I can’t believe the things we did. Properly living a secret double life. It ended when he left his ExW and my ExH called time on our perfectly nice but completely flat marriage. AP and I began officially dating some time after that and more than a decade later, we’re still together and still keep the affair secret. Do I regret the affair? Nooo. Would I feel differently if we’d been found out and there had been loads of hurt and drama? Maybe.

My DW and i were having significant difficulties, including her accusation that i was having an affair.

I was not, but looking back with hindsight, i can see that a friendship with a female colleague was definitely heading towards an emotional affair. I cut contact, but the accusations remained.

Shortly after this i discovered that my DW had had a physical affair through that whole period, and several months beforehand. It had ended without my involvement.

We committed to work together to salvage our marriage, and were ok for a while, but eventually effort on both our parts fell away.

I rather selfishly blamed DW for this failure, but only internally.

This selfishness also led me to think i "deserved" something more.
In this frame of mind, i got very close to a different female friend, and this quickly turned into an intense emotional affair. We were both married, and were adamant that it could not turn physical.

After about 6 months, some proper self-reflection showed me that i was being unfair to DW, the AP, my family and myself. i ended the EA.

Several months after that, my DW found some old messages to AP, and it all came out.

DW and i were extremely honest with each other about everything that had happened, and we agreed that we both had so much love for each other, we decided again to re-commit to our marriage.

6 years on, and our experiences have made our marriage much stronger.
We are much more open with each other about our frustrations and challenges (which still occur, obviously), but we face them together.

I do not recommend the path we have taken - we have hurt each other hugely. But we each recognise this, and both work hard to ensure we appreciate and support each other.

How did you manage to move on from such a foundation of deceit? Genuine question!

honesty, and mutual commitment.

we'd been together since we were teenagers, had 3 beautiful, happy DCs by that point.
both had good jobs, a nice house, 2 cars etc.

we had a lot to walk away from.

through (sometimes brutal) discussion, we both agreed that we'd lost sight of what we had together, and could still have together.

i think crucially, this wasn't one of us persuading the other.

things will never be perfect, but we are much more open with each other, and much more aware of each other's state of mind. we have been together so long that we can tell if something is up with the other.

so we have the conversation (as difficult as that can be sometimes), and resolve the issue.

i'm under no illusions - it's still entirely possible that when the youngest DC leaves home, DW will turn to me and say "i'm done now - i only stayed for the DCs".

that would be devastating, but i can't live being scared of that - if this is to work, i've got to be committed, and believe that she is too.

i currently have no reason to think otherwise (and haven't for several years now).

we feel closer, and more affectionate than we have previously too.

i'm aware things might change for me in the future, as they might for her (or anyone in any relationship) - but for now we will keep doing what we're doing. it seems to be working!

Because I could. And I wanted to. DH is a perfectly nice person, and a good father.
But... just want some excitement.

We are very careful about communication and it's been going on for over two decades now. DH and his DW have no clue.

Both of us are happy with the situation and neither of us want more than we have. We aren't horrid people, as much as mumsnet would like us to believe that we are.

😂

@Itsthesamehere have you tried dating women? Maybe you should

I had an affair as I was very unhappily married, exh was abusive & in the last month of out marriage he raped me. Just messing around one night I set up a profile on an online dating site, a man 14 years younger than me messaged me, we met & fell in love, I left exh & had a 5 year relationship with him until he sadly passed away age 34.

20 years? Gosh that's a long run!

No judgement from me, as I said on my earlier post I'm 1 year into an affair. Like you, we don't want anything to change, neither of us want to run off into the sunset with each other. He has his life with his family, I have mine and nothing overlaps. We don't 'intrude' on each other's family time and when we're together, it's because we would be away from home anyway. There is zero chance of us being found out.

I love my husband but there are many issues with our marriage. Having said that, there are very specific reasons I don't leave him - nothing I care to go into on here but reason enough that I have to stay (nothing financial). Sex life at home is almost nonexistent... birthdays & Christmas as the saying goes! My sex drive is sky high, always has been.

Nothing excuses an affair and I'm aware we're being totally selfish.

I don't know what long term looks like, but for now this is where we are.

I'm glad you escaped your marriage, you sound like an incredibly strong person. I'm sorry for your loss 😢

What’s happened to Mumsnet, this page is normally full of women posting about cheating men but now there are women gloating about cheating on their husbands and women not saying a word. What double standards there are on here.

I can't see anyone gloating - if anything quite the opposite.

I don't say anything because I'm not going to spend time talking to people whose morals I ultimately disagree with, or feed the trolls (of which there are many), who come on to talk about their long affairs with little remorse. I used to try to get into a discussion, but it wasn't and isn't worth it. What's that saying? "never roll in the mud with a pig. Because you both get covered with mud — and the pig likes it.” It's a bit coarse, but adequately shows how I feel about the subject.

Besides any argument turns it into a 1000 post thread, and nobody wants that, do they? 😁

Well look again..I am just glad I’ve got enough self-respect and higher standards than these women.

No gloating whatsoever. But the OP asked for insight and I've given my unfiltered experience which may help them to understand.

It’s the double standards. When a woman posts, she’s told to LTB and the guy is called all sorts of names, women come out in solidarity. I just wonder how a woman would be attracted to a man who they know is willingly being deceitful to his wife and vice versa but as I said some women have very low-standards and yes you’re right, don’t feel the trolls 🥱

Because I was a narcissistic idiot who didn't realise what was at stake.

Kudos for your renewed self-awareness though @LaChatte !