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Original poster

Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

183 replies

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 22:54

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

OP posts:
Totalityloss · 01/10/2022 12:52

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 29/09/2022 22:27

The abused women I've known would never have dared cheat for fear of repercusions, to cheat whilst still with someone could have landed them in hospital.

That's such complete shite. Abused women come in all shapes and sizes, and not all abused women are these frail vulnerable creatures who would never dare do wrong. It's narratives like that which convince women it's not really abuse - they were bad too, after all, they probably deserve it etc etc. It's such a toxic idea - you have to behave a certain way to be "allowed" to count as a victim.

I agree with this. Its the pernicious idea that abused women must be capable of no action other than being abused. If they are commit any other action, they cannot be victims.

girlfriend44 · 01/10/2022 21:06

lightisnotwhite · 18/09/2022 23:20

I know someone in her 40’s currently having a relationship with two married men. One sexual the other at dinner and dates. There have been others too. From what she says it’s clear that they just see it as something different to their daily lives. They just can’t resist the thrill of a new woman. She is attractive, articulate and well off. She’s never been married and never had children. It starts as a bit of flirty banter, they carry it on and there you go, it’s an affair.
We’ve had chats about the morality of it (I’ve been cheated on and I think it’s a dick move);but her thinking is quite mumsnet in that she’s single and can do what she wants and it’s the men at fault. She likes the pros of a relationship but not looking for long term commitment. Interestedly it’s always the men asking if they can leave their wives and move in whilst she’s adamant that she won’t do long term.

Very dangerous. If the women found out she could be inline for a load of trouble.
Best if she sticks to single men.

Ithurtbad · 03/10/2022 01:28

I have cheated on my ex partner in the past. It was because I never feel enough.

I realized we were only got together because I was grieving the loss of my baby. He took advantage I think at the time don't even think it was love tbh. I just got attached to him wanting him rescue me from my pain. Then had child with him it was too late and stuck.

Then when I did sleep with another man I confessed I was guilty but apart of me had tried and tried. He tried to forgive me but couldn't ended it but we continued living together for 2 years more and left.

It was only when I got friendly with an older man online he made me see you was grieving. He also said why don't you tell him to f off.

I wanted to hold my family together for my son when I left felt I failed when it was both. He was financial abusive too.
Loved to buy things that was not needed and we struggled with money. It was horrible.

I also been the OW first was not intentional didn't know until I see a wedding ring on his finger in a photo. Confronted him he explained she brought him here from another country basically sounded like he used her. They were apparently separated and he told me while after that he was going home to work things out.
It was just sex with him.
Another man stupidly got involved with he was very married told me he drank because of his wife. Again I ended as very close to home. He was a neighbour yes very messy. Later found out a lot of bad stuff about him.

For me I was reacting to the break up just making things worse for myself.

TopG77 · 02/12/2025 13:54

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 22:54

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

No. I never have and never would. If I am in a relationship and unhappy enough to consider cheating, then I put on my big girl pants and leave.

Changenamenamechanged · 02/12/2025 14:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Sugarfish · 02/12/2025 18:32

I cheated on an ex many many years ago. He was emotionally abusive and I wasn’t strong enough or in the position to leave.

I cheated on him with a friend of a friend. He was single. He was also someone to confide in and he gave me my confidence back. I eventually left my ex. For me. Not for my affair partner. I always knew we would never end up together.

It was basically my own form of revenge, like in my head he could treat me like shit but I felt like I had the last laugh because I was secretly shagging someone else. As I said I was young, but it made sense to me at the time.

hadtochangetothisone · 03/12/2025 19:51

I’m having an affair with a man who is divorced. My husband is a chronic alcoholic and I would tell him in a heartbeat and leave him except now he has alcohol induced dementia and I am the only person he has. I feel no guilt. Literally EVERYONE in my world knows. Our kids, my siblings , my friends, work.. and I have had nothing but understanding and support. My AP is incredibly understanding and supportive. If he was 85and the dementia just part of age then it wouldn’t have happened - but I have had 9 years of a sexless marriage until I met my AP .. I’ve wasted a decade on a man who broke our marriage vows because he said he would forsake all others.. except he didn’t. His true love is alcohol. I resent him. I want to be with my kind supportive partner.. but instead I get a part life caring for a man I have to watch die before he is 65.

Vernony · 11/04/2026 14:05

We like to think of ourselves as not animals but we are , stil animals, albeit intelligent ones. Nature never intended us to have just one mate .That does not mean that you have to leave the person you are married to, just do it, enjoy it, its not cheating at all it is life as nature intends it to be . So keep it a secret because it will do more harm than good to admit , sex with one person eventually becomes mundane after a while , as it will with your affair , then it will all be over with no harm done

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