Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

[Catastrophejane]

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

@XJerseyGirlX im sorry to hear you still carry all that guilt. It sounds like you were in a really awful place. No one is solely responsible for a marriage breakdown. i hope things work out for you x

@Huiyt I find it really interesting to see the range of responses… definitely think some men just do it because they can but so many others start for good reason.

im in my 40’d and know quite a few people who’ve had affairs. There are a few who’ve behaved terribly to former partners and families, but the vast majority have felt unloved or been treated badly.

I suppose I’m really surprised that people are treated so harshly for having an affair. There is so much worse you can do to a partner.

but then I read stuff on mumsnet and I’m horrified. I mean, if I was caught having an affair I’d admit it- not gaslight my partner.

I suppose it’s less about the affair and more how people deal with the fall out that separates the decent human beings from the dick heads 🤷‍♀️

I find situations like yours @Sally49 the most difficult to comprehend.

that someone could be in a good relationships and risk it all seems crazy.

I hope it all works out for you. Sending you love x

I cheated on a partner. We weren't married but it was a long term relationship and we lived together. He was a cock lodger and a man child. Didn't want to commit to any meaningful life plans with me but was happy to coast along. I told him many times how unhappy I was with this and I felt the relationship needed work. He never changed. Then someone at work gave me the eye and the rest as they say is history.

I don't regret it at all. The guy at work didn't work out either but it gave me the push to get out of a situation I would have carried on plodding along in otherwise.

I don't condone extra marital affairs for a bit of have-your-cake-and-eat-it fun but it's not always like that and not all people who cheat are bad. I should have found the strength and motivation to end things in a better way but I've learned from the experience and am well shot of the ex.

I did because I had such low self-esteem and wanted someone to want me. Backfired completely because I fell in love with him and he didn't! I was totally selfish and karma came back to haunt me. Never again. Each day is a struggle and I will never feel the same again.

I can't agree with this comment. Look around you - an awful lot of attractive 'middle aged' women whose husbands look (and act) like old men.

Ive been out and about over the weekend and there just as many ( if not more ), fat and grumpy middle aged women about with bored husbands who have clearly checked out.

@Linzi8 "Loads of reasons people have affairs but it I think it basically comes down to poor decision making and lack of responsibility in creating what you need in your life. When you get to the stage where you believe an affair makes your life easier then you have fucked up massively somewhere along the line and lost what is important. It is a symptom of a serious misjudgement and deficiency somewhere. Your perspective is way off. Because a hidden affair is never a good choice."

I would agree with this.
Also entitlement issues, poor coping strategies and communications skills, and a total lack of empathy, come into play.
Having an affair in an attempt to solve relationship issues creates problems where none existed and complicates those that do.

Thank you for your empathy. I am really struggling to understand it too. Why spend so much money on gifts and send messages of total love when it wasn't real and there was nothing physical going on?

Other messages:

"Thought you might like some colour and fragrance And it seemed like a good idea And I, well I kind of, you know, well I don't have to say really do I"

And "I figured that your dining table needed some more colour. And well you know, Always xx"

These were sent with flowers. He's deleted all their Whatsapp and text convos but said they were banal.....

What he is telling me and the bit of what I've seen just don't add up at all. Do people really have emotional affairs for that long (ramping up in the last year) without anything else going on and with it just being a fantasy? I just don't get it at all and the insight on this chat has been of some help I guess.....

My opinion is that men have affairs because they can, women because they are in an EA relationship and meet someone they connect with emotionally.

I've cheated quite a few times in my younger years. It's complicated and simple at the same time. I wanted my cake and to eat it too is the easiest way to sum it up.

For the attention of some of the posters in this thread - calling it an 'exit affair' doesn't make it any better morally

Do you honestly believe this is true? You think men don't want to connect emotionally when they look outside their marriage? That is absolute nonsense, men crave emotional closeness in their relationships just as much as women do.

Maybe not, but it is part of recognising that there are several different types of affairs. As much of the literature on the subject describes.

He is lying and it was real. He is minimising to make it seem like it was less of a sun than it was. It was an affair / emotional and/or physical- it was still an affair

That is very true and they also can connect emotional fulfillment/ intimacy much more with sex.

Came here to respond to the thread so please don't give me a roasting.
I am having an affair with a MM at the moment. The situation is that he was separated when I met him but his marriage wasn't completely over in that there was no official separation or divorce. His wife moved out with their child and they had space from each other and that just continued for an extensive period of time. I met him from a dating app and he was very honest from the start.
I decided to see him to see how it would pan out, we had several months of bliss, it was a really beautiful relationship.
His wife decided she wanted to reconcile the marriage and move home. He told me straight away and was devastated. We continued to see each other until D Day and then it just hasn't stopped. We still talk to each other every single day and have met up several times.
I don't feel it is sordid or dirty - but I know the facts will say it is as it is an affair.
I don't feel bad at the moment because I am single. I know he has no intention to leave his wife because he doesn't want to be a part time father or have a costly divorce. His marriage is also sexless and they essentially co-habit (I do believe this)
These aren't excuses for why I am seeing him btw, just giving you context.
Maybe one day I will regret it, but at the moment it's a piece of happiness I have in my life that's mine and mine only and I know that sounds selfish.

Depends on the context though doesn’t it? I know a guy who serially cheated for years and years on his partner when medical issues meant she could no longer have sex. He had been with her less than a year when her problems started. Thing is, she bravely initiated a discussion about the lack of sex and her reassured her he still wanted to be with her. She thought he was one of those rare decent men who chose to forego sex to stay with the woman they love.

They weren’t married and when she finally found out about his string of long term affair partners, after well over a decade together, she found herself firmly middle aged and homeless. She then understood why he avoided buying a house with all those years. He kept himself secure, in case she found out about the cheating, at her expense.

Selfish and extremely foolish @Everytime12 since you are investing your efforts into a guaranteed zero return!

Not really. I don't want him to leave his wife. It's not about "return" for me.

Why do it then, if you get nothing in return @Everytime12 ?

I’m certain my DH had an affair years ago, he denied it and I’ve never had proof than it was more than an emotional affair at the least. I’ve never moved on from it, why do I think it all started? I was the tired mum at home and she brought something different to his life, maybe escapism. I don’t think much of women that go after married men either.

I've been a OW
It was basically because I wanted to hold all the cards for once. It's a very long story as to how I ended up in that mindset, but it suited me at the time.
I firmly believe EVERY man has the capacity to cheat, and it really is opportunity.

@Sally49 I had an emotional affair with a man much older than me. It was before the times of video calls etc but we would chat in chat rooms/text/call/send photos/videos/ letters and presents etc. I was single and fell in love with him. He said he loved me too.

It lasted 9 years and we lived 2 hours apart but never met - that was my doing. He'd have met me in a heartbeat. He'd had a few physical affairs before me that he told me about. I ended it having got bored and fed up and the age gap meant that I was early 20's and him late 50's.

My only regret is that I put my life on hold instead of getting out there. I was young and immature when I 'met' him and was literally swept off my feet.

I had an affair for three months which culminated in me leaving my husband, who was a manipulative alcoholic. I don’t feel particularly bad about it and am not moved by moral censure. I wouldn’t cheat on my partner now because I value him and wouldn’t want to lose him - I didn’t value my husband. I wouldn’t stay with him if he cheated because I feel it’s pointless - having an affair is a clear sign you don’t want to be there, for whatever reason.

I fell for a colleague. It wasn't meant to happen. Felt a gulf at home, as if shut out. Anger , control, I wanted an exit afair and the guts to break away. after years of unhappiness. Thinking of myself in desperation, not of my childrens stability. or of how much it would hurt my partner. I tried to sleep with the woman I wanted to use as a way out. As soon as we were in bed she asked me about my wife. There was no way I could get it up. My penis was trying to completley disociate itself form me and run the other way :-) .

I realised I couldn't have sex with someone else however mush the idea of it had been a turn on. I wondered if this made me more faithful than I thought, some how still a better person than I was being!. I still told my wife because I felt so strongly attached but intead of leaving her I broke it off with the other woman. A wiserr man would probably not have said anything and just sucked it up but she would feel something.

It turned out the other womans husband was still with her and was hurt whereas she had presented it as all but over. I think we were both trying out fnatasies together. It is the harshest and most poignant experience I can imagine to speak to a man with a family whose marraige you have infected. I could have crawled under any rock and stayed there. Nothing fixes it but I was not perfect and things were not perfect. If I eventually learned anything it is that your emotional life matters, that you have to be responsible for your own feelings as part of your living truth even if they don't keep people happy. I am glad that younger people are brought up with more emotional intelligence now. Everything clear and pure I had felt for the other person, the respect and the admiration, curiosity and connection was cut off. I feel bad that that was lost, that there was not a way to allow that without risking a romantic journey. I might have been missing soemhting simple.

probably a journalists thread but this one is not for your story. sorry it is a bit raw. no consent to publish anywhere beyond this message board.