Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

[Catastrophejane]

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

Or leave the person who is abusing you and set a standard for your children. Why do you need a man to give you confidence to leave?

If you were a man saying what you said, you know that you’d get a totally different response on here. Look at the posts where women post their husbands have cheated, they’re full of anger and hate (rightly so) and we don’t even know the reasons behind it, the instant response is, he’s a prick, take his pension etc.

I think you’re the one who has comprehension problems, I was talking about double standards on Mumsnet, lots of people say it. NOT sex sites 🙄
I am also basing my claim on the majority of women who leave men who cheat, based on the posts on Mumsnet by women. So stop bringing sex sites into it.

and where did I say I was against women seeking support, stop making up your own narrative, Jesus…

and again, two wrongs don’t make a right.

Or leave the person who is abusing you and set a standard for your children. Why do you need a man to give you confidence to leave?

They don't need a man to give them confidence. They just need confidence from wherever they can get it.

Is it really too difficult to imagine that someone who has been controlled and abused, in whatever form, may have also been led to believe that nobody else will ever want her. If she leaves him, she will be alone and miserable forever. Somehow they find themselves in bed & in a relationship with another person, who makes them feel like a person again and strong enough to end the abusive relationship.

And again, this isn't my situation, I'm not using this to defend my actions. But this is the reason you see posters supporting these women. Not double standards, just empathetic people who are able to see that sometimes a black & white mentality doesn't work.

But the guy is just looking for a shag and taking advantage of her insecurities. How is that going to boost someones self-esteem who is in an abusive relationship? Clearly if he’d wanted to help the woman he’d help the woman find refuge. That’s like saying a woman is dependant on a man. Why not leave the relationship and stop putting yourself and modelling this to your children.

Again, two wrongs don’t make a right and we can’t pretend that they do and yes Mumsnet is full of double standards when it comes to cheating.

On Mumsnet, marriage is often talked about as a financial contract rather than anything else.

Because Mumsnet features RL experiences. I couldn’t give a hoot if you didn’t agree with me about it being double-standards either. You didn’t talk about experiences here, you brought up men gloating on sex sites and basically said the ‘double standards’ was a good thing, you can’t have one rule for one and not for the other. Instead of venting at me because you’re clearly triggered by my response, go onto the sex sites you mentioned and scold them there. I really don’t care about looking into statistics, the whole point of my post was there are double standards on MUMSNET.

Also would you think it was right if your son (regardless of whether you have one) had a wife who cheated on him? Would you tell him it’s ok because there are double standards and you don’t give a damn?

I wouldnt personally tell either a son or daughter that . However I think others have the right to offer whatever support to whoever they see fit without being hauled over the coals and told what a double standard it is in a world where the VAST majority of concessions and support for affairs are given to men.

The reality is we live in a world of human beings and human beings , male and female are fallible . Women for far too long have been treated far worse than men for the same mistakes or ‘offenses’

i also think it’s unfair to come in start screaming double standards when there are so many more double standards benefitting men

So what if someone you don’t know offers support to someone you don’t know . Does it hurt you ? Or I ? i don’t think it does .

You might not like it just like I don’t like all the double standards that benefit men but at the end of the day like I said , no point going on mens forums and telling them off , we are all human and people will support them go they choose to

Btw I deleted that past post not because I disagree with anything in it but because I wanted to simplify it . Seems you read it , so no point
your very wrong in assuming I’m ‘triggered ‘ I simply don’t understand your anger over women recieving suport on one website like mn when it happens so many other places for men.
i think we are best leaving our conversation thete because the crux of it is I do not understand why you would care about one website that offers support to women and not about all those that offer the same to men

You are reading what you want to read and choosing to ignore the other points. I do not agree with cheating, men and women both cheat, when a female posts her husband is cheating she’s offered support (quite rightly) when a woman posts she’s cheating, there is a general attitude that it’s either the husbands fault or it’s considered ok. I am not the first poster to say this, read the posts on here and you will see that what I’m saying about this on Mumsnet is accurate. Why get angry about men cheating, why not get angry about women cheating too, they’re both the same, lack self-respect and deceitful. It doesn’t make it ok for women to cheat because more men cheat, regardless of sex, all cheaters are the same.

So men cheat for pleasure and women cheat for nescessity.

The abused women I've known would never have dared cheat for fear of repercusions, to cheat whilst still with someone could have landed them in hospital.

I think women who cheat to help them exit a relationship are confusing support and gaining confidence to transition, so much easier to leave when someone is waiting in another bed. You see it on here all the time, women who are in dull marriages relaying their future plans to divorce and pull the husband down and cheered on to live a single life.
Overly confident about the separation and happy to leave, ignor the ex and be single, soon after they happen upon the love of their life.

Amazing and convienient, people are not stupid in RL and on here, yet there seems to be an unspoken hush of don't mention that it could have been going on whilst married.

I always take the strong as an ox posters who are uphoric to leave their abusive husbands with a pinch of salt. That may be wrong of me and expect to get slated but yes I agree some women are supported when in fact I believe they have been abusive themselves.

I've worked with abused women and for most the ending is traumatic, yes they had to leave for their safety but most of them loved their partners deeply and wished there was any other way, they were certainly not bouncing around onto the next partner straight away. They were too deeply traumatised to trust again so soon, many of them had such bad self esteem issues that they considered themslves ugly and undeserving of anyone finding them attractive or loving them.

For rule of thumb I've usually found whoever is devasted about the ending of a relationship is the one who has been putting up with a load of shite already and can't quite believe being dumped on further by someone cheating on them.
Cheats will use any excuse to minimise their hurtful actions and to use abuse as a get out clause really is a bugbare of mine.

There are many kinds of abuse and levels of abuse, there are many kinds of affairs so each situation has to be evaluated singularly.

But I've never known an affair help any ending of a relationship without hurting someone deeply in the process.
And usually there are third parties who are injured through no fault of their own.

It's a dodgy subject, talking about who we support and don't support, each reader takes on their own stance and views but to blanket view saying all women should be supported because they are the weaker sex is wrong as it would be for men stating they are the stronger sex so shouldn't expect any sympathy or support.

I particularly don't like liars and they can come in the form of men and women.

The differences between men and women when it comes to infidelity are probably miniscule. Some have exit affairs, some are serial cheats, some fall into limerance and fantasy, some keep up a business like arrangement for years, some are eaten up by guilt, some rationalise away their behaviour. And these variations apply to men and women of all ages.
When it comes to lying, denying, gaslighting, rewriting history - all the same.
The only small differences I've noted (not very scientific tho) is men are slightly more likely to be promiscuous cheats, and women are better and not being caught.

In what world do men only boast, or elicit support from other men regarding affairs or conquests solely on porn websites?
It happens in real life, all the time.

Get a certain type of man in a group and they rev up others. Leaving a social group I've been in for over 25 years because instigator of this attitude has joined and paired up with similar guy. Plus spread rumours amongst the men re affair.
After a couple of months, he then posts publicly disrespectful comments about me on shared WhatsApp. I mailed a male friend in the group, who I thought was neutral, re background, suspecting that he already knew. I bit, my mistake, at one comment, would have other wise seemed innocent. And stupidly tried to explain over reaction. No reply.
Pretty sure the men in this group know what happened. What they didn't know was how abusive, this relationship which I was ashamed of, and had kept a secret, had become.
Was very vulnerable at the time, no excuse, and drunk, on prescription meds, generally out of it, when at first a friendship started. It then then became physical and progressed to no sex no conversation.
Now he is claiming that I miss rehearsals due to being drunk, never allowed to be ill.
And tbh wonder why I've kept this secret for so long when his male buddies seem to know. Not sure if his wife does.

She knew about 3 of his affairs. Both quite vulnerable and to him, and others of his ilk, just a shag with a slut.
Still with his wife and he does provide financial support. She knows about many of the affairs, but not me? In spite of his friends knowing.
She asked me directly if anything had happened. I denied it.

No need for the missus to know, but gossip with male friends. Feel really awful about what I have done. Kidding myself re lying. She needs his income. But saw myself as a womans woman.Thought lying was the best thing for her children. But more wanted to protect my reputation and job, which I could have lost if she found out.

The abused women I've known would never have dared cheat for fear of repercusions, to cheat whilst still with someone could have landed them in hospital.

That's such complete shite. Abused women come in all shapes and sizes, and not all abused women are these frail vulnerable creatures who would never dare do wrong. It's narratives like that which convince women it's not really abuse - they were bad too, after all, they probably deserve it etc etc. It's such a toxic idea - you have to behave a certain way to be "allowed" to count as a victim.

@sunshineandstrawberryjam

Thanks for reducing my post, I did actually say there are many types and levels of abuse as there are many different kinds of affairs and those affairs have different uses.

I wouldn't dream of minimising abuse, but I will still say some men and women use abuse as an excuse, to excuse their affair.

Affairs are abusive, you can try to quanitfy how much abuse is necessary for an affair to be exempt from morality if you want but I don't believe any abuse should be used as a get out clause.

I simply stated that the in most extreme cases of abuse, there tends not to be exit affairs as they can be highly dangerous.

If you are suffering any kind of abuse it is always wise to leave before starting any kind of relationship.

If you are suffering any kind of abuse it is always wise to leave before starting any kind of relationship.

And if you're in that situation, you naturally have a very clear head and can make a 'wise' choice... 🤔

Of course - nothing excuses an affair, but surely it can be understood that not everything is black and white.

And if you're in that situation, you naturally have a very clear head and can make a 'wise' choice...

Indeed! I have vivid memories of all the wise decisions I made during that time of my life.

FWIW my partner did hospitalise me. He also choked me out and left me for dead and on another occasion had to be dragged away by the police from my front door with a knife in his hand. But apparently had @PineOrange known me then she would have been, like a number of my alleged "friends" back then, one of the people who just didn't believe me because I wasn't quiet enough, didn't look tearful enough or vulnerable enough or small enough to be a "real" victim.

An additional note - you can tell me that being hospitalised doesn't excuse having an affair if you like. I don't agree with you, but I won't argue with you. You're entitled to your opinion.

I just really object to being told that the fact I did have an affair means that the abuse doesn't count/wasn't real which seems to be @PineOrange 's implication.

I would like to have an affair

if you want to get out of a truly abusive relationship by having an affair with a single man, then I don’t judge.

BUT I find it massively hypocritical when women choose to get out of ‘abuse’ by helping their ‘saviour’ affair partners abuse their wives!

This thread was so sad to read.

There will never be an acceptable reason to become entangled in an affair. And deep down, we know this. And yet, the affairs will never stop.
An affair is nothing but selfishness, deceitfully disguised as an acceptable reason.