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Original poster

Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

183 replies

Catastrophejane · 18/09/2022 22:54

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 03:40

Hawkins001 · 19/09/2022 03:02

Takes two, to tango and if men are bad for having an affair, then surely the same with the women that have them ?

Show quote history

If a man is ‘bad’, as you say, for having an affair; it’s him who has cheated on his partner, not the person who he has the affair with.

And vice versa.

Its not just for the woman in the situation to be expected to do better.

Hawkins001 · 19/09/2022 04:02

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 03:40

If a man is ‘bad’, as you say, for having an affair; it’s him who has cheated on his partner, not the person who he has the affair with.

And vice versa.

Its not just for the woman in the situation to be expected to do better.

Show quote history

Fair point, I was doing the devil's advocate on that part.

jewishmum · 19/09/2022 04:05

Hawkins001 · 19/09/2022 03:02

Takes two, to tango and if men are bad for having an affair, then surely the same with the women that have them ?

Show quote history

Of course. But those men took an oath to commit to their wife. Why bother if the sanctity of marriage is meaningless to you?

Muddays · 19/09/2022 04:17

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youlightupmyday · 19/09/2022 04:30

I was.unhappily married for a long time. We were just not sexually compatible and eventually our marriage was sexless. Over the last seven years, I had two one night stands and left after an emotional affair which gave me the confidence to go. Also, I just didn't want to be the person I was in that marriage, it was awful. I am now with someone much more compatible and there is no way I would cheat. I love him, and our faults are ones that I accept, not ones that destroy our relationship.

If we did start to break down, then there still wouldn't be an affair. But we are not tied in the same way, we don't have children together and I am financially independent. Society wouldn't be as judgemental about 'breaking up a family' and that keeps people in unhappy marriages for longer. Staying wouldn't be the easier option like it was in my marriage

marblemad · 19/09/2022 04:49

Didn't necessarily have an affair, I was with my ex for over 5 years, he was very toxic and abusive. I regrettably started speaking to an ex regularly on and off about 3 years in, on a trip back to my home town at a do I visited him at his place, he plowed me with alcohol and other substances I can barely remember anything except telling him no repeatedly and running out crying. I genuinely thought we we speaking as friends nothing more as he had 2 kids and a partner I knew! And to this day cannot clarify if he r*ped me or not. I split with my ex around 18 months later and now 18 months on from the split regret going there in the first place but also not pursuing the others I was interested in at the time as my ex was such an a hole!

Kerrrmieee · 19/09/2022 04:54

Journo?

Because I could. I was in a 6 year relationship, not married or living together.

He'd been married for 10 years.

Both starved of affection. Both went back to partners.

15 years later, both back together now the children have grown up.

Why? We loved each other from day 1.

Kerrrmieee · 19/09/2022 04:58

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I'm not entirely sure about that if you're talking sexually about a man in his 50s and a woman , the same age.
A lot of male problems post 50 -ED wise.
Very disappointing for a woman who's just set herself free.

christmas2022 · 19/09/2022 06:01

Shabar · 18/09/2022 23:55

I had an affair (man) because it was offered on a plate and I fancied her. I wasn’t even unhappy. Didn’t get caught and put it to bed when it ended. Mates have done similar. Men don’t need much to get them interested !

I think this is nail on the head stuff here. Probably an indication as to why the wife was a so shocked to find out in situations where the marriage is solid. The man just can. Thinks with what's in his pants.

Fatballs · 19/09/2022 06:26

Of course. But those men took an oath to commit to their wife. Why bother if the sanctity of marriage is meaningless to you?

What if they are not married, just in a relationship?

XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2022 07:18

Exit affair , been married to dh 3 years now together 5. My dd's dad ( who I cheated on ) is lovely , caring , reliable and didn't deserve to be cheated on. He can't look at me the same now and I still feel shame.

The reason was because I felt useless and unwanted ( crap excuses). I had lost two babies and felt like a failure, ex dp wasn't one to let his feelings out and I needed help building me back up ( which he couldn't do). New dp found me and love bombed the shit out of me , made me feel amazing. Quick proposal and wedding.

Sometimes I don't know whose / what life I should be in tbh: feel a bit lost.

Oopsiedaisyy · 19/09/2022 08:18

I had an exit affair, and while i would have preferred my ex husband not to have found out - no regrets.

My DP had an affair too due to lack of intimacy, although his wife did the pick me dance it ultimately failed. People need what they need in relationships, you can't force yourself to be someone you're not. We both left marriages because our partners couldn't give us what we needed.

Jewel7 · 19/09/2022 08:32

I think it’s possibly different for women and men in a lot of situations. Underneath it all is there unhappy people and then your head turns. I think being married doesn’t switch off attractiveness for others. It’s whether you choose to do something about it. Some people lust is to much. Some people married to young. Toxic relationships. Others love the chase but can’t have that at home. Everyone is different. For me there has been moments of temptation due to a toxic relationship but I knew in the end that I needed to put myself first. Deal with the real issues. An affair would have made everything so much worse in my situation.

TangointhePark · 19/09/2022 08:34

Many years of a sexless marriage (10 years plus) left me vulnerable to the attentions of another man. It highlighted just how much was missing in my marriage - not just sexually - and gave me the courage to leave. We still have a fwb arrangement but we won’t be together in a more settled relationship because neither of us want that.

I had tried everything to try and get my relationship with ExH back on track, to no avail. I don’t feel shame or regret, I gave him many years of my life while not having my own needs met - it was time to end and the affair gave me the courage and impetus to do that.

Linzi8 · 19/09/2022 08:49

Loads of reasons people have affairs but it I think it basically comes down to poor decision making and lack of responsibility in creating what you need in your life. When you get to the stage where you believe an affair makes your life easier then you have fucked up massively somewhere along the line and lost what is important. It is a symptom of a serious misjudgement and deficiency somewhere. Your perspective is way off. Because a hidden affair is never a good choice.

Sally49 · 19/09/2022 09:00

I have just found out my DH of 20 years (we've been together for 30 years) has had an affair (apparently only emotional and mostly over text/calls). We have three DC.....why would anyone deliberately/recklessly set out to risk everything for a bit of attention? There have been gifts, love messages and so on but apparently it wasn't "real"......I just don't get it but have gleaned some insight here. We were ostensibly happily married. Covid/lockdown was tricky but things had been so much better over the past 12 months. That said, his comms with OW were ramping up until I found out some 4 weeks ago.

WingBingo · 19/09/2022 09:01

@Catastrophejane Yes we are still together, 10 years now.

Knowil · 19/09/2022 09:50

For over 20 years, dh never giving me any compliments, but giving them to other women and checking them out Infront of me. A form of control. Me always initiating sex and feeling rejected and resentful. That's why I am tempted to have an affair.

XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2022 10:09

I feel like there are many reasons people have affairs and before I had mine I was of the opinion that there's never any excuse for it and once a cheat , always a cheat.

However when I had my affair it was not fun stringing two guys on. I was genuinely stuck between a nice reliable man who was the father to my daughter ( and scared of breaking the family unit ) and the new guy that I had fallen in love with. I was so depressed and then so relieved once it came out.

5 years later I still feel shame and I don't think the stigma will ever go away , I was a cheat... however it helped me to understand why I did it ( explained in my previous post below).

There are cheats who cheat all their life and love the buzz .... and In my case there are cheats who found themselves stuck in a horrible situation that don't enjoy it.

In hindsight I should have probably worked through the issues with my ex , but we were both grieving the loss of two babies and had drifted too far apart to help each other. The affair partner ( my now dh) lifted me up again.

It was a horrible situation and 5 years on I'll always wonder if I made the right choice. My ex will never see me as anything other than a cheat :-( but the love I have for him ( I don't fancy him anymore ) will never go away.

It's a sad situation really and has made me more understanding. Like I said though , I do know men who just shag about behind their partners back with no intention of leaving them so that's why I think there are two types of cheats.

layladomino · 19/09/2022 10:36

Rarely ends well for you ladies, blokes tend to have a longer physical expiry date once you have wasted yours.

I can't agree with this comment. Look around you - an awful lot of attractive 'middle aged' women whose husbands look (and act) like old men.

Original poster
Catastrophejane · 19/09/2022 11:52

@XJerseyGirlX I agree with you that people have lots of different reasons.

as PPs have suggested, it basically comes down to your needs not being met.

not feeling loved and supported while going through a tough time feels like an understandable reason.

my ex- H had an emotional affair, but I wasn’t actually that hurt as I knew that if someone else had caught my eye (or chatted me up), I’d have done the same. Our marriage was awful ( though I maintain through his behaviour)

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 19/09/2022 12:16

@Catastrophejane Thankyou for your understanding. It was a tough time and I'm still not over it. I think if it was him that had cheated I could get over it quicker than the guilt I have being the cheater.

Huiyt · 19/09/2022 14:57

@Catastrophejane

i think for men it’s often more about opportunity.

samyeagar · 19/09/2022 15:43

My ex wife had them because she could. Her arrogance led her to believe that she would never be caught, and that if she was caught, that I'd never have the balls to leave her. She also believed that even if she was caught and I wanted to leave, that I never would because of the children.

She was wrong on all accounts.

McPaininthearris · 19/09/2022 18:38

For me it was love, pure love that I'd never felt anything like, before or since. AP is the love of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that he feels the same about me. We ended it last year because he isn't ready to make the move (young children) but is unhappy and in counselling. Who knows what the future holds.

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