Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

[Catastrophejane]

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

Yeah. I do.

@yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah do you love each other?

Well said.

He's very important to me and I believe the feeling is mutual.
But I am not in love with him. (I believe this is also mutual.)

This is true.
My ex cheated because we didn't have enough sex to be brutally honest.
I cheated because I wasn't appreciated

@Oopsiedaisyy
Id say people happy in their relationships don't cheat, so either leave or work to fix the issues.

I would agree with this in part.

My exH was happy in the marriage - as long as I did all the domestic duties, paid bills, put up with bad sex, his moods, being treated like a skivvy, and asked for nothing.

I wasn't happy but I didn't cheat.

One day I grew a backbone, and told him I wanted a better deal and he needed to pull his weight.
His response was to start an affair with a girl from his work. As soon as it all came out, I divorced him.
The sad thing was, that if he'd have put as much effort into the marriage, as he did pursuing her, I might have had a better deal.

@feckoffbrian Ok, so are we going to stop being sympathetic and supportive of women who post on this thread when their partners cheat? Are we also going to stop calling the men names who cheat, double standards as always on this thread.

Grow up.

Yes I cheated on the cheater... and married the affair partner . Still together after 15 years..

What an intelligent reply 😆

Two decades, fuck that's along time.

Would you be bothered if your husband had an affair, because from what I,ve seen many of the cheaters seem to require a monogamous partner at home.

That's some cruelty you're dishing out there, why on earth don't you just get together with the ap, or are you not up to his standard for a wife ? just a shag.

And no, it really isn't special, loads of women could have done this, so many opportunities and unbelievably gorgeous women that could have ten men on the go for well, indefinitely but they don't.

Not because they can't it's because they really couldn't hurt another human like this.

Seriously what is wrong with you.
You've wasted 20 year's of your husband's life.

I would bet money that if her DH cheated she would go apeshit

This is interesting. I had one a long while ago now and gave myself permission by telling myself I couldn't not. E.g. I thought of it like being on a roller coaster I couldn't get off once it started.

Of course, that is total bollox. The truth really is that I wasn't scared enough of the repercussions for them to outweigh the excitement of what I was feeling.

Having gone through it, I 100% know I would now never do it again because the angst of it all and the emotional torment/ guilt etc was completely awful and not worth it. I wouldn't put myself or my partner in that position.

@MatterOfThyme - are you still with the same partner?

Yes I am. He knows everything and I would have fully understood if he left me,but he chose to stay on the agreement that I stopped absolutely all contact with the OM. Which I did and have had zero contact, including online etc, ever since.

Thank you ❤@Ameanstreakamilewide

It still seems to be the case that the other woman is the most maligned and ostracised. And the man forgiven, even when predatory eg very young "mistresses" No excuse for sleeping with a married man and not all other women are vulnerable.
But the double standard still applies.

@Coffeeandcake15

for Millenia and still today we have a society that has a gross double standard in favour of men cheating being somehow ‘natural ‘ whilst women are seen as abhorant and horrible
The man who cheats is called the stud by society , the woman called the slut
Many married men are addicted to porn , sec workers and then ON TOP of that there are affairs

If you feel there’s some type of double standard on MN I sure hope you are in all the sex sites where married men are boasting about affairs and message iga ex workers and no one says anything. Also hope you say something to all the married men out there hitting on young women whilst their wives are at home !??????
I’ll bet your hit huh

If there’s a double standard in MN good !!! It might help to make a tiny bit of balance to a world where men cheating is seen as normal and men are considered to ‘need variety ‘

Its pretty sad that someone would even need this pointed out to them really

Try actually reading the posts. Woman posts man cheats, he’s ridiculed. Woman post she’s cheating, she’s supported. If you can’t see the double standard in that, that’s your problem.

Why would I be on sex sites? Why are you on these places where all these men are ‘boasting’ of their affairs?
Why would I say something to married men hitting on young women when I haven’t seen it personally myself? You are assuming a lot which is really quite odd.
Men cheating isn’t seen as normal, most women leave their cheating partners when they find out.

Its actually not sad to point out, it often gets pointed out on here.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Both sexes who cheat are equally awful.

There is a double standard because it’s not a level playing field between men and women. Men can’t get pregnant. It’s a poor system of child maintenance. It’s Disney dads every other weekend.It’s the way when a mum goes out, some people still refer to fathers as babysitting when they stay in.
A single man having a relationship with a married woman is likely to have a different dynamic from a married man having an affair if only because of how much everybody wins or loses from the relationships.

Having said that, my female friend has multiple affairs holding all the cards. Own house, no kids and self sufficient financially. I feel a bit sorry for the current married guy. He’s fucked up his marriage and young family for someone who really doesn’t care.

I read your post and understand exactly what you are saying
‘. Woman posts man cheats, he’s ridiculed. Woman post she’s cheating, she’s supported. If you can’t see the double standard in that, that’s your problem’

if you cared to read my post you’d understand that my response to that is … so what
if it balance the mysogyny that goes the other way 99 percent of the time I could t care less . 99 percent of the time men are given all types of excuses and supported and women are ridiculed

also if you read what I wrote you would understand that at no point did I say you were on sex sites . Nor did I say I was on them although in my days of studies I did see a lot of how men behaved on such sites !
I simply questioned why if you feel the need to complain about one site where you think women men are ridiculed and women are supported why don’t you go complain on the 99 percent of the sites where men are excused for cheating and women are ridiculed
whether or not men and women cheat and how bad it is has nothing to do with the fact that we still live in a society that sees women who are sexual ( whether affairs or not ) as sluts and men as stud
that definitely translates into how men who cheat are excused
please provided statistics to back up your claim that most women leave men who cheat
that’s simply not my experience and I’ve worked in that field
men in fact are more likely to leave women who have cheated from my experience

and btw if you havnt seen married men hitting on young women it had it happen personally I’d say your very very lucky

Woman posts man cheats, he’s ridiculed. Woman post she’s cheating, she’s supported

But read the posts again. The women on this thread who have been supported have been the ones who have suffered at home, been abused, been controlled.. and they've found relief with someone else which has given them the confidence to leave. Fuck yes, I'm going to support that person 100% - be they male or female.

I'm well aware that I'm not in this camp. I've admitted, it's totally selfish, no excuses for it and I'm not proud of it. But I'm not seeking, and (rightly so) haven't seen posts supporting me or others who have candidly discussed their experiences.

Well if you want (and you’re telling the truth) to spend time on these sites where men gloat then that’s up to you but we're not talking about sex sites, we are talking about Mumsnet, I’m also not going to believe something someone says on here as fact just because it’s their experience, stop comparing the two when my post was based on double standards on Mumsnet and yes you’re making a lot of assumptions.
I think both men are women are both equally awful for cheating and again row wrongs don’t make a right.

Yes I agree and that’s the other point
men it seems tend to have affairs for the sake of sex or just because they can
many of these women ( not all ) but many it seems have experienced being mistreated ignored and treated as second class citizens by their husbands for years and only THEN go on to have an affair
not saying that never happens with men or that this is always the way with women but the trend and the research supports that it’s often the case
Of course in a ideal world people would leave and not have affairs but imo having an affair just for ex tra sex or ‘ because the chance to bed someone comes up ‘ is a lot less forgivable that being miserable for years and ending up in an affair because your vulnerable to it following years of bad treatment

I didn’t ask you to believe me and not am I going to just believe what you said
I asked you to back up your claim that women usually leave , which you can’t
you seem to have an issue with comprehension . I didn’t say I ‘want ‘ to spend time on those sites I said I had as a consequence of my past studies

and yes women are totally entitled to support whichever women they like
im sorry your so judgemental against women getting support when it happens so infrequently trt seem to ignore the vast support cheating men Chet from society