Why did you have an affair? Do you regret it?

[Catastrophejane]

Question inspired by other threads.

been reading about women finding out their partners have cheated. And the cheater has rolled out ‘ the script’….

but I wondered why people cheat? (particularly men)

i get that people drift apart, but I’m surprised by number of posters who are shocked when their partner has strayed. They obviously think the relationship is in a good place.

is it boredom? Or did you secretly ‘settle’ for someone and decide to leave a stable relationship for a ‘better offer’ ?

Bane changed.
I had an affair for the last year of my marriage.
I was deeply unhappy and although I don't think exh knew, I c

@Everytime12 did you post on here at the time? When he said he was thinking of reconciliation? Your story sounds familiar? Not going to give you a roasting! You sound sad. I hope things work out for you. X

@yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah 20 years? How on earth do you manage it?

I’m in my mid 50s and learned long ago not to judge people on an Internet forum btw, so really just fascinated by how you manage it! Do the two of you have mutual friends?

Posting fail!! I had an affair for last year of my marriage. I don't think exh knew, but don't know for certain. He wouldnt have cared
I had an affair as I was deeply sad and lonely and he (ap) was a predator and took advantage of that.
I see that now but didn't at the time.
It carried on for another 2.5 years until his partner found some evidence that suggested he might be playing away.
He dropped me like a hot potato and I was broken. Since then I've witnessed him trying to pick up with someone else.

both my exh and him are very happy with their partners and I'm very lonely. So karma came my way and I have to deal with it.

I don’t think it’s double standards, just the plain truth really, women do cheat, but as the user base of this site is probably 95%+ female, posters are not going to advertise this,
I think the accepted stats always used to be that men cheat more than women, but looking at this thread I would guess that women cheat a lot more than is reported and are probably better at hiding it as well.

Wasn't appreciated and got fed up. Her parents moved in which killed our sex life, our child was young which didn't help either, she was bullied at work and took it out on me. I avoided being at home and then avoided being together.

She had an affair and I responded in the same way whilst co-parenting from different houses. Her affair partner committed suicide - he had told her a string of lies that he couldn't deliver on and turned out to be married. Eventually we got back together, life isn't perfect but we don't argue (not like we used to anyway), understand each other better, have managed to find some happiness and are committed to each other.

Double standards as in if a female poster posts that her DH is cheating, the majority of women support her, offer advice, tell her to LTB etc, here that’s not happening here. That is double standards.

@Coffeeandcake15 oh yes, completely agree.

@W0tnow absolutely not, we have absolutely no connections at all (beyond the obvious).

Would be interesting to split the responses between male and females. I think men think with their dick and will go where the opportunity arises. Females probably need more of an emotional connect.

Can I ask, those that are cheating on their husbands, what would you do/say if your grown-up child came to you distraught and told you that their wife/husband was having an affair. Would you say, it’s ok for them to have some excitement, would you tell them to leave, tell them to stay? What would be your advice, knowing your doing it/have done it yourself?

Id say people happy in their relationships don't cheat, so either leave or work to fix the issues.

You are being horrid though.

You've taken away the agency of your partners so they can't make an informed decision.

Their mental health and confidence would be completely fucked if they knew you'd been doing this for 20 years.

And that risk is worth it for you to have your cake and eat it too, rather than be honest and leave your partner so you can shag whoever you want.

It's unbelievably selfish and horrid.

Your partner could have spent 20+ years with someone who didn't lie to them, have sex with other people and treat them like a back up plan.

If you want to shag people who you aren't in a monogamous relationship with that's absolutely fine.

But pretending to be in a monogamous relationship, to the person you're pretending to be in one with, while shagging someone else, is so cruel. It's

I wouldn't TELL them to do anything.

As any parent would do, I would listen to them, let them cry it out, rant it out and guide them to making a decision that's right for them and their family.

I would obviously have a perspective on it that they wouldn't expect, but I wouldn't force that on them.

And to another PP who says just leave your partner if you're not happy. That's a very easy statement to make, but (in my case) leaving is impossible for reasons I won't go into here. The marriage will never change, never improve, but I cannot leave it. (And no, I don't mean financial reasons)

Very sweeping statement! I'm female, I haven't gone looking to fill an emotional need. It's primarily a sexual connection.

Slight correction.
I haven't put another woman through anything. My AP is married to her, he's the one who made vows to her.

But of course - I'm putting my own husband through it, and yes that does make me an incredibly selfish person. *
*
I'm certainly not proud, but I also wouldn't say I'm 'messed up'. Just in an odd marriage that can't be changed and so I've looked elsewhere to fill a need.

I think cheating is far more common than people imagine and most of the cheaters are not evil people, sometimes its just life. As bad as it sounds, shit happens!
I think it’s either those people who just can’t be in a monogamous relationship or those that are just missing something from their current relationship. And most of the time just leaving is not that simple, whether it’s financial, kids, house etc. it’s harsh but I think in the real world that’s how it is.

I hope you're out of the relationship with your husband , and happier xx

You are part of the deceit, so you are also contributing to that. Find some respect, leave your husband so he has a choice whether to stay with someone that is deceitful, you have a choice, your husband does not and find a man that doesn’t have a wife, it’s not hard.

Then find a relationship where both partners will be happy to have a non-monogamous relationship. So people have to live with deceitful and dishonest partners because that’s just how it is, how about giving people a choice?

TBH I think there are plenty of readers who are just rolling their eyes at the sheer level of selfishness and entitlement on here and can’t be bothered to comment.

Its clear that most people commenting are absolutely happy with their awful choices and are finding any old excuse (tiny violin playing), which is absolutely typical of cheats.

Then you get the ‘no judgement’ brigade who sure would have judgment if it was their husband being used as sexual balm for someone else’s ‘poor’ marriage!

It’s grim.

Actually, what really gets my goat on these threads are people who are so judgmental and like to tell other posters that they are mean people (or worse). It derails the threads.

I am not condoning affairs, but I am
curious in peoples stories and genuinely want to read the responses.

But people are less likely to respond to the questions that the OP asks when people just call them horrid names.

I feel your pain, Mc.

I hope you both find each other again...

Do you really? I don't.

There are young children involved here which just makes the whole situation even sicker.

Anyway, statistically it is very unlikely that this "pure love match" will get together and last the pace. So, there's comfort in that anyway.