Ex turning up at family funeral

[ItsnotaHenryMoore]

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

How does he find out about the deaths and funeral arrangements

I assume the DC tell him and he calls my parents for details. They don't like to be rude.

What's his heritage? I ask because I'm mixed race and neither of my parents are English and in both of my parents cultures it would be expected and frowned upon if he didn't attend. Children of all ages also attend in both cultures too.

I don't think it is weird. Often acquaintances attend funerals to pay respects so someone who knew the person for years is not that strange. Divorce doesn't remove the fact. Yes it is awkward but so are many family events.

Funerals are public events so you can't ban hin, although you could ask him not to attend.
Why would he be sitting with you and your parents though?

We are all white British.

Is it really that normal to go to your ex wife's cousin's funeral when you've been divorced 20 years and only saw her once or twice a year in that time? And probably only 2 or 3 times since?

It is only a funeral. Be polite and gracious. It's no big deal. Don't allow this to concern you. Be the bigger person.

Because he will just come and plonk himself there. He'll only know a few people (and all of them will be my family!)

If he knew the person then u have no say
also he could be there to represent his children same way you do
u don’t have sit next to him

No I know, but he's unlikely to give me any choice in the matter, if previous funerals are anything to go by.

If white British tbh it's a bit fucking weird. Was he controlling when you were together?

Could you ask someone to be an usher?And show him to his seat. If he tries to sit next to you they could step in and say those seats are allocated. Unless it is a very long pew you could put reserved for signs on the seats.
It is a weird thing for him to do.

No, I wouldn't say that he was controlling during the marriage. This is him still demonstrating that he was completely blameless for the separation and divorce and therefore he is entitled to have a relationship with my family.

I’d just fill up the pew and make sure there is no space for him.

@ItsnotaHenryMoore no, you’re not being unreasonable, he sounds like a freak show to be honest. Ask him not to come in future because it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he doesn’t care that it makes you feel uncomfortable then why on earth is he there? If he says it’s for other family members you can tell him that they would rather you be comfortable at a time of grieving.

Ask your children to stop telling him. They're old enough now for you to do that.

I'd also be looking for childcare so my husband could attend. Sitters dot whatever perhaps if you don't know anyone who could help

He will expect my family to fuss around and look after him on the day, because they are polite. I am getting myself irritated in advance. The day should be about my cousin and her husband, and he will be making it about him. And I think he's taking advantage of it being a funeral because he doesn't need a specific invitation.

His parents are very advanced in years. I'm sure if I bowled up to either of their funerals, without being asked and without letting him know in advance, it would cause awkwardness and embarrassment.

@ItsnotaHenryMoore seriously he’s so out of order on this, and he’s relying on you feeling too awkward to make a fuss, you need to make it clear you do not want him there, ever again. You divorced him, he needs to go away now. It’s passive aggressive in the extreme, especially if you’re not on particularly good terms generally (after the falling out).

@ItsnotaHenryMoore maybe you could have your husband have a word with him, he’s less likely to push his boundaries I’d imagine, it might embarrass him into backing off.

Just tell your kids that it’s not appropriate and ask them to tell him that he’s embarrassing himself, and that THEY would be happier if he didn’t come.

Ah yes, fair enough.
Shame you can't have too many people on the front row for him to sit with you.

You divorced him but you can't stop him paying respects to people who have died.

Get a grip. Someone has died, and you are expending a lot of energy on the matter. Attend the funeral and know that you will leave and that is it.

It's a weird little power play and YANBU. I think you should tell him in advance that you don't want him there. Tell other family members you have said this to him. Then you have at least made it very clear to everyone he's out of line if he turns up and sits in the same bloody pew as your family!

Who old are your twins? If you have daughters in their late twenties I’m guessing they’re unlikely to be preschoolers. If they’re old enough to sit still for the service then bring them and your husband. Then your ex will have to sit by your daughters and you won’t feel like he’s pretending he’s still married to you.

I would definitely consider your DH and children attending with you.