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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex turning up at family funeral

246 replies

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

OP posts:
balalake · 24/09/2022 13:38

After the funeral I think you need to talk to your DC and let them know your feelings. If it was a funeral for a family member with whom he had retained contact with throughout these 20 years, reasonable to attend, but I think you are reasonable in your view.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 24/09/2022 13:51

balalake · 24/09/2022 13:38

After the funeral I think you need to talk to your DC and let them know your feelings. If it was a funeral for a family member with whom he had retained contact with throughout these 20 years, reasonable to attend, but I think you are reasonable in your view.

I would like to but don't think my DD's are ready for that conversation. They are very touchy about the slightest comment that might be perceived as even mildly negative.

JustLyra · 24/09/2022 14:17

Reallycomplicatedpants · 24/09/2022 13:51

I would like to but don't think my DD's are ready for that conversation. They are very touchy about the slightest comment that might be perceived as even mildly negative.

Show quote history

They might not like it, but they need to hear it.

if for nothing other than to make them think twice about boundaries in their own relationships in future.

AnnaMagnani · 24/09/2022 14:22

They are touchy because they know on some level it is true.

It's hard to love someone but also acknowledge they aren't totally the person you would like them to be.

forrestgreen · 24/09/2022 14:31

Block xh phone number on all your parents devices.

Tell them if he does ring, you need them to say 'your divorced from our family now, it's not appropriate for you to come with us to family funerals'

But tbh I'd ring him and say the above. And if he turns up tell your parents that you're not sitting with him and will move seats. And you expect their support.

forrestgreen · 24/09/2022 14:34

And tell your children that it's not your job to ensure your dh has a life. He's not part of your life anymore and you're not putting up with it. They sound older? And I'd tell them to stop telling him about your family funerals. If there's any that it would be appropriate for him, you'll be the one who communicates that to him directly. I'd make them come to the funeral and they can sit with him in future. Explain how it makes you feel if they're old enough to understand b

Ein · 24/09/2022 15:53

Wow, what a nasty controlling man. Well done for escaping him 👏

I would contact him - not verbally, instead by letter or email - and say that he is not part of your family, he is not welcome at your family funerals, that everyone in your family is talking about how pathetic and controlling it is of him to intrude on his ex-wife’s family in a time of grief, and that he is making himself look like a fool. Say that in future the family are making the funeral directors aware that there is an unwelcome intruder there, and that if he continues to turn up, he will be placed by the funeral director on a seperate seat at the back for non-family unwelcome intruders. (He may have a right to attend church but he has to sit where told if he does so).

Then follow through. As well as making the funeral directors aware, reach out to your family saying your ex is being controlling and using family funerals as an excuse to intrude into your life even though you have asked him not to, and you’d appreciate people supporting you by not acknowledging him or allowing him to sit with family if he turns up against your request. Remind them that he is there to try to upset you and get your attention.

cooldarkroom · 24/09/2022 23:41

No way would he be getting in the free buffet if this was me...
I would wait till he homed in to sit next to me, turn to him, & say "You are not a member of my family, you are not welcome here. You will not be admitted to the wake venue" then immediately get up & move to pre organized slot where he can't fit in.
Make sure he does not enter the hotel.

feckoffbrian · 25/09/2022 06:11

Have you replied to his email? This is an opportunity for you to set clear boundaries.

CornishTiger · 25/09/2022 07:07

I’d email him back with one of the suggestions wordings given and add this.

Most people send a card to express their sympathy at a death of someone but you had to go a step further. You’ve used this at an opportunity to gain an invitation to the funeral of someone you barely knew knowing that your presence would cause discomfort and upset to the mourners attending. There is no need to attend and if you so so it will show your true motivations and inability to let go of a marriage that ended 20 years ago. I wasn’t wrong to end it then and I’m not wrong to call you out on this behaviour now. Do not talk to me or try and offer unwanted comfort like you did at x’s funeral. It isn’t needed. If you feel it necessary arrange to see the children in the days before or after. My family can provide support during the funeral day. You aren’t welcome despite whatever invitation you managed to get when her daughter was deep in grief ( you odious vile manipulative man)

scrufffy · 25/09/2022 07:10

I wouldn't send him an emails or reply. Because that's just feeding it. I'd blank him and just tell the funeral director to sort it.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 25/09/2022 15:27

I'm not going to reply.

I've made a certain rod for my own back. Until relatively recently he used to come to family events where the adult DD's were coming. One of them doesn't drive, lives fairly near him. No public transport options so she used to rely on him for a lift. The other DD lives in a different part of the country, and I live somewhere completely different again. If I wanted to see her at family things, it meant him coming.

Two things finally broke the pattern - a) covid b) she has a lovely new girlfriend, with a car.

Now he knows there are no invitations coming, it makes the funeral option even more delicious.

I have tried having a conversation with the DD's previously but it went badly and took a while to regroup so I'm nervous of that option.

I've let myself be walked over for years, basically, it's been very enlightening to hear your thoughts.

SleepingAgent · 25/09/2022 15:42

billy1966 · 18/09/2022 10:16

He sounds utterly repulsive.

Of course he is doing it to fxxk with you.

Odious man.

Stop with the politeness.

He's using it against you.

Tell your parents that you would prefer that they not speak to him.

Warn your family that he is only doing this to annoy you.

I would cease to tolerate him.

As for your own parents, when that day comes tell any funeral director to block his entry if that's what you want.

After this length of time explain to your daughters you have had enough of him.

He sounds like an utter creep.

All of this.

He needs to be told to do one.

And honestly, move on mate. It's been 20 years. That's pathetic from him.

AnnaMagnani · 25/09/2022 17:26

I shouldn't be too worried that the first ever time you brought it up with your daughters it didn't go well - after all it was the first time, and you had been hiding your true feelings for most of their lives.

I also wonder if, like their dad, you allow them to walk all over you, just a little? Effectively as soon as they were upset you completely backed down.

A new conversation shouldn't be long - 'I've made a lot of effort over the years to accept your father at family events for your sakes, but it has been long enough. I do have feelings too, he and I still do not get on and it is very upsetting for me to spend time with him.'

If they get upset, don't explain or back down, just keep repeating that you divorced a long time ago and while you expected to have to interact with him for parenting, you did not expect it to last a life time and you have hidden your hurt feelings for many years.

Jewel7 · 25/09/2022 20:16

Could your husband come for “support” could you arrange childcare through friends for your twins. Would your husband speak to him. You need to voice your opinions more clearly and maybe your grown up children need to not tell him. Maybe he feels as you were married a long time, it’s the right thing to do?

Reallycomplicatedpants · 07/10/2022 14:54

Well I'm here and he's here. I've been polite but luckily there wasn't room in the pew for him. He's currently sitting next to my DF at the hotel, eating scotch eggs.

billy1966 · 07/10/2022 14:59

🤢🤮...side eye him filthy looks any chance you get....without getting caught 😒😁

Shinyandnew1 · 07/10/2022 15:05

Reallycomplicatedpants · 07/10/2022 14:54

Well I'm here and he's here. I've been polite but luckily there wasn't room in the pew for him. He's currently sitting next to my DF at the hotel, eating scotch eggs.

Are you the OP with a name change?

Fraaahnces · 07/10/2022 15:06

Tell him that the only funeral you want to see him at is his own.

Fladdermus · 07/10/2022 15:08

He's unhinged.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 07/10/2022 15:11

Shinyandnew1 · 07/10/2022 15:05

Are you the OP with a name change?

Show quote history

That's me! Actually told me he didn't recognise many people. Well, no.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 07/10/2022 15:39

Turning up is ok but sitting alongside you and immediate family is SO weird. You have a bew partner now. He is being gross. I would get a babysitter and have current partner sit with me and tell him to sir at the back. Grim.

rageapplied · 07/10/2022 15:51

What a dick he is.

derxa · 07/10/2022 16:01

OP you are totally unreasonable. You can't bar people from funerals

Svalberg · 07/10/2022 16:07

derxa · 07/10/2022 16:01

OP you are totally unreasonable. You can't bar people from funerals

You can bar them from eating scotch eggs, at a private function, in an hotel afterwards!