Ex turning up at family funeral

[ItsnotaHenryMoore]

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

No, but I will request he sits quietly at the back and doesn't come to the reception afterwards.

It's the entitlement that infuriates me; and I know it doesn't come from a good place.

I’d be tempted to go into your parents phones and block him every time someone dies. You can unblock him after the funeral. And get a babysitter and take your dh with instructions that on no account can ex sit or stand next to me

Good!!

👏👏👏👏

OP, what does your DP say about this?

I ask as the wife of a DH who STILL has to navigate his ex-wife at EVERY event no matter the size or occasion.

It's hard!

Speak to the funeral director. I'm sure they'll be able to manage this for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it's rather nice that he still feels close to your family.

My husband's ex wife attended his aunt's funeral around 40 years after she and my husband divorced.

She had stayed in contact with my (her ex) mother-in-law after the divorce and is the mother of one of her (MIL's) grandchildren. The aunt had never married, and my husband and his mother were her closest relatives.

Husband's ex doesn't drive, so we collected her from the station (about 100 miles from where she lives). She then sat with my husband, their son and his mother in the official car following the hearse while I drove our car. A bit odd, perhaps, but I suggested it as it made the most sense practically.

We are all white British.

That would be OK if OP's family still felt close to him.

OP clearly doesn't, her parents are doing it out of misplaced politeness, OP's siblings and partners aren't close to him either.

Their daughters are but he seems to be maintaining that by master manipulation 'poor dad who needs support and looking after'

To turn up and sit next to OP who divorced him 20 years ago is beyond rude.

We were at a funeral a few weeks ago and a cousins ex was at the funeral. It was her mother's funeral. It was very, very weird. It was my husband's family member who ended the marriage decades ago and they both have new relationships. No children involved. We knew him fairly well and I personally think he has the self awareness of a knat.

Oh and the funeral was a considerable distance from where he lives. Just odd.

He is sick to the back teeth of it, but will support me.

Got it in one. It is entitled and manipulative.

Is it a church service or in a crem?

Thanks for your kind thoughts but they are alive and well - it's just making me think ahead a bit!

Crematorium with hotel reception afterwards.

I would contact the funeral directors or crematorium directly and ask if it is possible to exclude someone. I know it might cause some issues with your children, but they need to understand your point of view too. If they can ban him and you can face doing it, I would let him know prior to the funeral that he won't be welcome.

Can you tell that I'm sick to death of the entitlement of some men.

Definitely have a chat with your parents and sister today to tell them how uncomfortable this makes you and ask that they help you keep your distance from your Ex.

If you haven't yet replied to the email I'd let him know you will of course be there, but would rather you attend and sit separately after his inappropriate behaviour at previous funerals and your past disagreement.

Your daughters might also want to consider that there may well be very good reason that no other woman in the last 19 years was willing to take on his nonsense after you saw the light and left him.

I would stop being polite. Tell him firmly to go away. Or at least sit at the back where an ex/vague acquaintance belongs.

Sorry, I forgot to say, I think you have more chance of excluding someone from a crem than a church funeral.

Tell him that cousin partner has requested close family and friends only, as can’t cope with anything else. Make sure dd’s know. Block his number at your parents house.

I'm not sure OP could ban him from her cousins funeral given that he already elicited an invite from her cousins daughter, and she herself is attending as a guest rather than next of kin. Unless her cousins daughter/partner asked them and it's unlikely OP would want to ask that of her at this stage.

He really is an emotional vulture.

Condolences on the numerous family bereavements you have suffered. It's outrageous that already difficult times are being made worse for you by his behaviour. 💐

First step - get your parents on side. Make it clear that you have been putting up with his shit for 20 years too many and it is ENOUGH. The time for polite humoring has long been and gone.

If possible get him blocked on all their phones and social media.

Second step - your daughters are old enough to have adult information about the truth of your relationship and why you split up. Be clear that you have put up with him for far longer than you should to try not to upset them but it is now having a massive impact on you and you can no longer bear to be around him.

True. I overlooked that. Not much you can other than to refuse to sit with him. I would make that clear beforehand too.

I sent my DM a copy of the email with one of these faces 😶.

She just phoned me and said, 'when I read that I said to myself, I knew Pants would be furious, he couldn't resist getting in the fact he inveigled an invitation'

They know how I feel and they have really reined it in since I had a good talk with them a few years ago. He sends them anniversary cards, FFS. I need to be clear he showed little interest in my family till we divorced.

I won't make any scene on the day obviously, for my cousin's family's sake but if he's expecting a warm welcome, he's going to be mightily disappointed.