Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex turning up at family funeral

246 replies

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/09/2022 10:16

He sounds utterly repulsive.

Of course he is doing it to fxxk with you.

Odious man.

Stop with the politeness.

He's using it against you.

Tell your parents that you would prefer that they not speak to him.

Warn your family that he is only doing this to annoy you.

I would cease to tolerate him.

As for your own parents, when that day comes tell any funeral director to block his entry if that's what you want.

After this length of time explain to your daughters you have had enough of him.

He sounds like an utter creep.

StClare101 · 18/09/2022 10:38

Your children are adults and need to tell
him it’s creepy and weird and not a single family member wants him there.

gogohmm · 18/09/2022 10:49

I go to my ex's family events, I sit next to him, they didn't stop being important to me because we split. I'm sitting on a wedding invite currently, dp is included on it, not sure what to do, exh is fine with me going (knowing I would then bring dd who lives full time with me and is resistant to seeing his family) but I'm not sure, might go to the church and meal but not drink leaving after the first dance (which dd would prefer)

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 18/09/2022 10:52

My exh turned up at a family members funeral and they all welcomed him and snubbed me! Wonder what crap he had filled them with? He also went to the funeral of my old boss!!
Attention seekers imo.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/09/2022 11:10

I would contact the funeral directors and see if there is any way that they can arrange to have him removed from the funeral.
Usually something like "Funeral private - immediate family only" might get the message across. If he shows up, they can ask who he is and how he knows the deceased and so long as you've prepped them (though he really shouldn't be showing up to a funeral of someone so wholly unconnected to him unless he is a grief magnet or a professional griever) they may be able to refuse entry or get him removed from the venue.

Then you can contact him one last time saying that he is not welcome at a family funeral and if he should decide to show up again to one, you will take the next steps which I think would be to get a barring/restraining order for harassment.

Herejustforthisone · 18/09/2022 12:19

This is absolute madness. What the fuck is wrong with him?

EmmaH2022 · 18/09/2022 12:22

billy1966 · 18/09/2022 10:16

He sounds utterly repulsive.

Of course he is doing it to fxxk with you.

Odious man.

Stop with the politeness.

He's using it against you.

Tell your parents that you would prefer that they not speak to him.

Warn your family that he is only doing this to annoy you.

I would cease to tolerate him.

As for your own parents, when that day comes tell any funeral director to block his entry if that's what you want.

After this length of time explain to your daughters you have had enough of him.

He sounds like an utter creep.

This.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/09/2022 12:23

He will expect my family to fuss around and look after him on the day, because they are polite

Will they fuss around him? I can’t imagine my parents doing so. Mine are polite and would say hello and goodbye to an ex of mine but if they clocked it was making me uncomfortable, they would stop there and certainly wouldn’t fuss.

CornishTiger · 18/09/2022 12:31

You and your family need to get some boundaries here. I’d speak to them and ask them to stop the fussing and just do basic civil.

Let the funeral director know he is NOT family and not really welcome so if he does come they can tell him you weren’t expected. Please sit at the back to give the family they need to grieve together.

Travellingwomble · 18/09/2022 13:05

Don't give him the pleasure of knowing it bothers you. Be polite and walk on. It might be just why he goes because he still wants to irritate you for leaving him. Do your children tell him it annoys you, if so nip that in the bud.

Stressybetty · 18/09/2022 13:23

My exDH tried this. We'd been divorced for years, she never liked him anyway and he acted really badly and showed absolutely no respect to her or my DF when we split up. Found out from our DD that he was posting on Facebook about how affected he was about her death and was asking her about the funeral arrangements. I shut him down straight away, was so angry at the CF

Brigante9 · 18/09/2022 13:57

Tell your parents to shut him down and not tell him details in future. If he turns up, tell him in front of your parents (at an appropriate time) that he is unwelcome and it’s weird and creepy to turn up at your ex of 20 years’ family funerals and he is not to come again. Tell your dc it’s inappropriate, particularly when he barely knew your cousin.

Original poster
ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 14:02

My DD's are very protective of him because he hasn't had a single relationship since then. Poor chap, all on his own. Doesn't want to be a burden...(that's a quote!)

So I feel I need to tread a very careful path....but as a lot of posters have commented, my boundaries have not been firm enough all along.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/09/2022 14:44

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 14:02

My DD's are very protective of him because he hasn't had a single relationship since then. Poor chap, all on his own. Doesn't want to be a burden...(that's a quote!)

So I feel I need to tread a very careful path....but as a lot of posters have commented, my boundaries have not been firm enough all along.

Perpetual victim.

Easy to understand why you left.

One thing to slip into the back of a church to pay your respects to an ex family member that you remember fondly etc.

His insisting on sitting with you and your familybis creepy.

Original poster
ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 19:06

Thanks for your support, reassuring to think that most think I'm not being unreasonable - going to have a think about my boundaries!

OP posts:
Hopeandlove · 18/09/2022 19:29

Get someone to look after the twins take your Dh to every single one no room for him then

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2022 19:37

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:32

We are all white British.

Is it really that normal to go to your ex wife's cousin's funeral when you've been divorced 20 years and only saw her once or twice a year in that time? And probably only 2 or 3 times since?

No. It's a power play

And your parents shouldn't facilitate it

Make sure there's nowhere for him to sit with you

whythou111 · 18/09/2022 19:53

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 14:02

My DD's are very protective of him because he hasn't had a single relationship since then. Poor chap, all on his own. Doesn't want to be a burden...(that's a quote!)

So I feel I need to tread a very careful path....but as a lot of posters have commented, my boundaries have not been firm enough all along.

@ItsnotaHenryMoore how horrible of him, he sounds so very committed to be your victim. I wouldn’t put it passed someone that passive aggressive to stay sing out of pure spite!

Your children are grown, but you have at least one valuable lesson left to teach them- that it’s okay to be “the bad one” to protect yourself. This is what was never really taught to many women, we suffer the consequences, and we also suffer the guilt of letting it happen to us. Time to be calmly cruel and unrepentant, even cheerful about it.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 23/09/2022 23:59

Grrr. I'm the OP.

He's just emailed to say he will be there. And 'assumes he will see me there too.'

Well, yes, as it's actually my fucking family.

Rogue1001MNer · 24/09/2022 09:43

I'm really sorry @Reallycomplicatedpants/@ItsnotaHenryMoore
At least if you know he's going to be there you can involve other people and ensure he doesn't come and sit with you?

Reallycomplicatedpants · 24/09/2022 10:21

Thank you, at least I'll be prepared this time. The whole thing just makes me feel incredibly ick and awkward, but I also do need to remember it's about my cousin who has died long before her time. And her grieving family. I'll have to sit in between my parents like a 10 year old. My sister and her husband are coming and they don't have too much time for him.

At one of the last funerals he came to, it was the DH of a very good friend of mine. It wasn't unreasonable of him to attend but he literally kept trying to cry on my shoulder and attempted to hold my hand at one point.

billy1966 · 24/09/2022 11:03

Reallycomplicatedpants · 24/09/2022 10:21

Thank you, at least I'll be prepared this time. The whole thing just makes me feel incredibly ick and awkward, but I also do need to remember it's about my cousin who has died long before her time. And her grieving family. I'll have to sit in between my parents like a 10 year old. My sister and her husband are coming and they don't have too much time for him.

At one of the last funerals he came to, it was the DH of a very good friend of mine. It wasn't unreasonable of him to attend but he literally kept trying to cry on my shoulder and attempted to hold my hand at one point.

Lord help you.

He sounds truly odious.

I love that @whythou111, he's committed to his victimhood.

We call that, a bit of a "persecution complex"🙄😁

LookItsMeAgain · 24/09/2022 11:11

Ok - so now you know he's going to show up.

Be prepared.

Have a quiet word with him outside of the church/funeral home and say that you no longer require his "support" at a family funeral as he is no longer your husband, he's no longer family to your relatives, and this is the last funeral for your relatives that he is to show up at. Say this quietly but directly to him. Look him in the eye to show that you're serious about this.
Have a tissue handy so that you can talk to him and pretend to cover your tears/mouth as you are talking to him.

Leave him under no illusion that you do not welcome (whatever anyone else might say), as he was your husband and he isn't that anymore, that he fulfils no function at this funeral. You can console your adult children. They can console you. HE needs to leave.

Then after the funeral you have to have a frank and honest conversation with your parents about how he is no longer in your life, and you need their respect and support in that matter. He can't be invited to "family" events unless it is specifically for the children you created together. Nothing else. They are being disrespectful to you too, by including him at this stage.

Sending you lots of support to get through this.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 24/09/2022 11:23

He says my cousin's daughter invited him directly (I can imagine the smug smile at this).

I suspect that he found her facebook via my DC's accounts and messaged her his sympathy, and she responded politely.

It's just reminded me how he went through my address book 19 years ago and copied everything down. He was most offended when he found an old school friend of mine had moved house as his Christmas card was returned undelivered. He wanted an update as he was convinced she would want to hear from him. I declined, he was very put out.

I don't think this will stop till he dies. Most of the time its harmless, albeit weird, but at funerals, and I guess there will be more coming, it's going to be a constant theme. When it comes to my parents I won't be frightened to take firm action.

Lovetogarden2022 · 24/09/2022 11:26

I absolutely don't think you can stop anyone from attending a funeral