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Original poster

Ex turning up at family funeral

246 replies

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

OP posts:
derxa · 07/10/2022 16:25

The OP isn't the host, she's a cousin of the host.

knittingaddict · 07/10/2022 16:28

derxa · 07/10/2022 16:25

The OP isn't the host, she's a cousin of the host.

And therefore had no power to ban him, although I 100% support her desire to not see him ar a family funeral.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 07/10/2022 16:40

He was here nearly 4 hours.

bingbummy · 07/10/2022 16:46

Is he of the mind that the deceased was part of his children's lives and his wider family (divorced or not) and thus he should pay respects on that basis?

If he's not causing trouble it just sounds like he's being respectful. But sitting with you and your parents, that's not necessary.

ItsaMetalBand · 07/10/2022 16:52

If you do decide to broach the subject with your girls, then as they are old enough to have their own relationships themselves you could point out the absurdity of an ex-partner of theirs turning up at every single family event belonging to them. Even better if you suggest a particular ex that they are keen to avoid where possible. And ask them how they would handle it.

They'll tell you that it's different because you were married or share children but it's really not. Co parenting is the only obligation that separated parents should co-operate on.

forrestgreen · 07/10/2022 17:46

I hope you'd already told your parents not to chat with him...

JustLyra · 07/10/2022 18:04

forrestgreen · 07/10/2022 17:46

I hope you'd already told your parents not to chat with him...

I would hope she asked her parents, rather than told them

Reallycomplicatedpants · 07/10/2022 19:54

They were polite but not over effusive. It wasnt as awful as I feared, I just didn't pander to him, l looked after my parents, cousin and myself first. He looked awkward at times but that was his choice to come and not my responsibility.

forrestgreen · 07/10/2022 20:28

@JustLyra she's already had a discussion about how unhappy she was at the situation. I'd expect my parents to prioritise me over an ex. And if it needs stating eventually I would.

forrestgreen · 07/10/2022 20:29

Reallycomplicatedpants · 07/10/2022 19:54

They were polite but not over effusive. It wasnt as awful as I feared, I just didn't pander to him, l looked after my parents, cousin and myself first. He looked awkward at times but that was his choice to come and not my responsibility.

Hopefully he's got the message that it's not a social opportunity for him

ihatesteve · 07/10/2022 20:52

You get invited to weddings not funerals (covid aside of course). Bit weird he sits with you though.

iRun2eatCake · 07/10/2022 21:15

He probably attends for the free food.

I still see my ex-inlaws and get along fine with XH but when the time comes, I'll still wait for a funeral invite, will sit discretely at the back and won't attend the wake.

It's not fair on the remaining family members to have me there when we haven’t had contact in years.

Isthisit22 · 07/10/2022 21:49

Why on earth do you even speak to him? Start just walking away or pretending you are doing sonething else. He'll soon stop coming if you stop being so ridiculously polite.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2022 01:41

He sounds like a sad man.
I totally understand your irritation.

oosha · 09/10/2022 06:35

I can’t believe some of these comments, it’s tantamount to harassment. Basically this is just f**king weird and given the persistence of the pattern, he is doing it on purpose to piss you off and make you feel awkward. Let him sit where he wants, then make a point of getting up and moving. I can’t believe your parents playing into this either by giving him the dates. The whole situ is crazy.

Novum · 09/10/2022 07:03

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 02:07

He will expect my family to fuss around and look after him on the day, because they are polite. I am getting myself irritated in advance. The day should be about my cousin and her husband, and he will be making it about him. And I think he's taking advantage of it being a funeral because he doesn't need a specific invitation.

His parents are very advanced in years. I'm sure if I bowled up to either of their funerals, without being asked and without letting him know in advance, it would cause awkwardness and embarrassment.

Can you not suggest to your family members that they ignore him, and arrange to go in with a group of them so you fill up the pew and leave no space?

Ihatemyroad · 09/10/2022 07:10

Why are you allowing him to sit with you and your parents? That is very odd.

How does he even know about the funerals? Your joint children are old enough to be asked not to tell him and to understand why, they’re not little and letting it ‘slip out’.

A funeral is a public event BUT you would be well within reason to tell
him IF he feels he needs to attend the funeral of someone he hasn’t seen or spoken to for years then he must sit at the back and not with the family as everyone is finding it increasingly uncomfortable and odd.

You CAN appoint someone in the family to stop him at the door and either ask him to leave (I’ve known this to happen) or direct him to the back. Maybe he will start to get the message.

Novum · 09/10/2022 07:12

Sorry, didn't realise the funeral had already happened when I posted.

Zonder · 09/10/2022 07:23

Did he maintain a relationship with your cousin? I'm guessing not.

I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you feared. Next time there's a funeral I would absolutely make sure DH can come and sort other childcare.

MerryMarigold · 09/10/2022 07:33

OP, this is very very odd. Just to reassure you it's not you. It's all on him. Can't your adult DC ask him not to come. Surely they just understand it's odd. When was the last time he saw the deceased person?

MerryMarigold · 09/10/2022 07:36

Sorry didn't realise it had happened

MILLYmo0se · 09/10/2022 07:39

Ihatemyroad · 09/10/2022 07:10

Why are you allowing him to sit with you and your parents? That is very odd.

How does he even know about the funerals? Your joint children are old enough to be asked not to tell him and to understand why, they’re not little and letting it ‘slip out’.

A funeral is a public event BUT you would be well within reason to tell
him IF he feels he needs to attend the funeral of someone he hasn’t seen or spoken to for years then he must sit at the back and not with the family as everyone is finding it increasingly uncomfortable and odd.

You CAN appoint someone in the family to stop him at the door and either ask him to leave (I’ve known this to happen) or direct him to the back. Maybe he will start to get the message.

How do you stop someone this passive aggressive from sitting in a pew without having a massive scene mid aisle? The OP has respect for her grieving family members, ex DH doesnt, that leaves her at a disadvantage unfortunately.
He rings her parents who are ridiculously polite and give him the information or he gets it from DC who see him as a poor lonely victim who behaves like this from the goodness of his heart. In this case the OPs cousins daughter 'invited' him, most likely he FBd her to say sorry for your loss and she replied politely.
Certainly at her own parents funeral the OP can give the undertakers the headsup re sitting him at the back, though i fear if either of her DC are single at the time they will want him to sit with them.

Nottodaty · 09/10/2022 07:44

My Grandfather passed away recently. Divorced parents for 20 years together for 22 years.

My Dad respectfully dropped a card of to my Granny and didn’t come to the funeral. He would have liked to from a respect point of view but would have slipped in and quietly left. But knew it would be wrong & my parents really don’t like each other!

No he shouldn’t come.

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 09/10/2022 07:49

I think it's rather nice that he still feels close to your family.
I think it's rather ridiculous that some posters can't see through this odious man's obvious self serving motivation to be the perpetual victim. He doesn't feel close to her family, he doesn't care about the deceased, he's determined to continue to punish the OP for leaving him 20 years ago.

That she raised her daughters to have a good relationship with their father is a credit to her. If his funeral behaviour is anything to go by then he must have been a fucking nightmare to live with.

GabriellaMontez · 09/10/2022 07:50

What a twat. He's made the last 20 years into being a victim. He sounds extremely thick skinned, taking advantage of the good nature of your family.

Did he really get an invite? Did you check with your cousin?

I'm afraid you're going to have to point out to your daughters just how inappropriate his behaviour is. Let them have a think about how other people feel. The cousin. Your parents. You. Trying to hold your hand!?

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