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Original poster

Ex turning up at family funeral

246 replies

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

OP posts:
weekendninja · 18/09/2022 06:51

This is completely out of order and seems very controlling.

Funerals are for the living too and he is taking away from the grieving process you need to follow.

I'd leave your DC out of it and message him beforehand saying that if he attends the funeral you want no interaction with him.

fastandthecurious1 · 18/09/2022 06:55

My dad came to my maternal grandparents funerals ( he and mum mum were divorced a good few years too ) but he sat at the back and made a quick exit after viewing the flowers and coming to give me a hug etc.

Didn't approach my mum which I think was wise. My mum did not attend any of my dads family funerals so I guess it's up to the individual however he shouldn't be up front and centre with you putting on a show as such that's a very odd move...

User0610134057 · 18/09/2022 06:56

I think it’s weird. What do you think his motivation is? Do you think he’s doing it to get to you?
i agree I don’t think you can tell him not to come, but I think you could

  • ask your family not to share details with him
  • make arrangements so your dh can come
  • you can sit where you like so could get up and move, or make sure you take your seat late and sit away from him
StellaGibson2022 · 18/09/2022 06:58

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:32

We are all white British.

Is it really that normal to go to your ex wife's cousin's funeral when you've been divorced 20 years and only saw her once or twice a year in that time? And probably only 2 or 3 times since?

Nope.

Some people are just odd when it comes to funerals, I mean how does he cope when he isn’t invited to weddings etc?!

Also odd he hasn’t moved on in the 20 plus years.

I feel for you but maybe your parents could stop being so polite? They don’t have to be rude but something like ‘thanks for getting in touch about xxx’s send off. It’s just family but your interest is so thoughtful’ or similar

charabang · 18/09/2022 07:09

I think it's very weird. Whilst you can't control whether he comes to the wedding, and I think it's insensitve of him to do this, I would certainly would make sure he wouldn't be sat with me. Do your children have any sympathy for the way you feel and can they support you in putting some distance between you and EXH?

Sparkletastic · 18/09/2022 07:09

How very strange of him. At the very least he'd get a 'Why are YOU here?' from me if he turned up. I'd also pre-brief my parents about stopping the polite pandering in favour of ignoring him.

BadNomad · 18/09/2022 07:10

Bring your husband somehow. This is more a problem with your parents anyway. They're the ones who keep making him feel welcome at your expense.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 18/09/2022 07:22

I think I would say, but Cousin was encouraging me to leave you. I'm surprised you want to be at the funeral.

spiderontheceiling · 18/09/2022 07:39

Are your joint DC going? I could see how that could be quite helpful as he could focus his attention on supporting them and you could focus on your parents and other members of your family. It would also mean he could sit with your DC.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 18/09/2022 08:15

He sounds like an unhinged trouble maker.

What a horrible situation

Have you tried pointing out to him that it's weird and inappropriate to turn up to a funeral hosted by a mourning bereaved family he stopped being part of twenty years ago to 'pay respects' to people he never really knew.

He's clearly getting some sort of kick out of being a nob maybe one of your DCs could be the messenger to him?

My autistic dad travelled internationally to turn up to the funeral of my mum's best mate's husband which caused a lot of stress for mum 25 years post divorce but I got it as they'd all been teens together and spent many many holidays and fun times together in the decades they were married.
She decided to blank him and it worked

Trainham · 18/09/2022 09:12

I have been to 2 funerals were someone was not wanted and funeral staff were told and they said they would ensure it would not happen. They dealt with it quietly and professionally .so ask them especially if your family members are also uncomfortable with it

FloydPepper · 18/09/2022 09:28

I think him attending is fine if he knew the people. I’m VE been divorced 10 years and would probably attend funerals of my exes family.

however, I’d be discreet, sit at the back, not make a fuss. I think you’d be within your rights to ask him to do this, but not to say he can’t attend

Original poster
ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 09:41

Part of the problem is that I have been incredibly reasonable about this sort of thing for about 18 of the last 20 years because I did want to be the better person. I've allowed myself to feel guilty all this time about the divorce and I've wanted to avoid our DD's feeling torn between us. So I've sucked up all this nonsense. They think we get on better than we do.

Covid helped draw a line re appearance at family events but this feels like an opportunity for him to insinuate himself into the fold again whilst appearing to be caring and respectful. So I feel it makes me look selfish and petulant if I don't want him there.

He wasnt controlling but always did a masterful line in pass-agg!

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 18/09/2022 09:51

If he comes to the front just say loudly " I'm sorry but the front is reserved for family, please find a seat at the back"
If he ignores repeat "you are not family. Please go to the back"
Stand up for yourself!!!

AsterixInEngland · 18/09/2022 09:52

@ItsnotaHenryMoore no it’s nit normal to turn up a funeral of EOW,e he hasn’t seen for 20 years and are his ex family.
If he had kept contact faut enough. But that’s not the case so he is doing that to punish you.

You need to start putting boundaries.

Yiu can’t stop him from being there at the funeral. But he has no right to sit with your family. Say NO. Tell him the place is reserved fur someone else and send him at the back. If he insists and says he should, remind him you’re not married anymore. He is welcome to pay his respect. Not to barge in your family.
Don’t make small talk, ignore him. Your dcs are adults and they can talk to him if they want (or nit. They are adults. They can chose).
Tell your parents to stop ‘being polite’. They don’t have to keep the pretence if a relationship that doesn’t exist.

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 09:55

He's trying to control you. My ex did this.

For one funeral of my parent I actually had to tell the funeral director to ask him to leave.

I feel for you. It's awful.

And I know. Funerals are public and you can't stop him etc but it's so so weird and controlling and distressing.

My ex found out from the local newspaper when the funeral was.

holidaynightmare · 18/09/2022 09:57

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:32

We are all white British.

Is it really that normal to go to your ex wife's cousin's funeral when you've been divorced 20 years and only saw her once or twice a year in that time? And probably only 2 or 3 times since?

I mean I think it's a bit odd
I would send a card but I certainly wouldn't attend

I get the impression he's doing it to make a point - I'd write to him and politely ask him not too

Original poster
ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 10:01

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 09:55

He's trying to control you. My ex did this.

For one funeral of my parent I actually had to tell the funeral director to ask him to leave.

I feel for you. It's awful.

And I know. Funerals are public and you can't stop him etc but it's so so weird and controlling and distressing.

My ex found out from the local newspaper when the funeral was.

I guess this is also part of my underlying fear - my parents are obviously getting on...the idea of him hovering around like Banquo's ghost at their funerals is horrifying.

OP posts:
AsterixInEngland · 18/09/2022 10:01

Part of the problem is that I have been incredibly reasonable about this sort of thing for about 18 of the last 20 years because I did want to be the better person.

Nope. He has spent 20 years walking all over you and punishing you in a PA way. It wasn’t being the biggest person. You let him walk all over the sake of your dcs. It’s time to put a massive stop to that. And have a chat with your dcs about his behaviour and the reality of you relationship.
A simple ‘you are adults now. I don’t wish to continue having a relationship/talking/seeing him’ should be enough.

maddy68 · 18/09/2022 10:07

Why is that weird? He was part of the family and is there to show his respects atvtheir funeral. It's perfectly normal. For ex's to attend

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 10:09

@ItsnotaHenryMoore I hear you and I feel for you. It was awful. He stood outside my house when he was dropping the kids off and loudly and forcefully told me he was coming whether I liked it or not and I couldn't stop him because funerals were public occasions and he had a right to attend.

Thank goodness for small towns and the fact the undertaker knew who he was. They told me not to worry about it they wouldn't let him in to the crem (where the service was). I know he was there because I saw him as we came out but he wasn't in the actual service.

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 10:10

maddy68 · 18/09/2022 10:07

Why is that weird? He was part of the family and is there to show his respects atvtheir funeral. It's perfectly normal. For ex's to attend

Not if they've been controlling and are carrying that on. Not if they haven't been friendly. And not if they aren't wanted.

mamas12 · 18/09/2022 10:11

Oh god yes stop it
talk to your children and try. D arrange childcare for your twins and then I would have a quiet word with the church/Crem wherever you’ll be they will put reserved for family notices on the seats at the front and let them usher him to a seat nowhere near you

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 10:12

At least. I don't think he was in the actual service but he might've been at the back. The undertakers certainly didn't let him near me.

Original poster
ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 10:15

bbcdefg · 18/09/2022 10:12

At least. I don't think he was in the actual service but he might've been at the back. The undertakers certainly didn't let him near me.

That was so selfish of him, intruding into your grief, just to make a point. Sounds like the funeral directors handled it brilliantly.

OP posts: