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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex turning up at family funeral

246 replies

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 18/09/2022 01:12

Been divorced 19 years - my choice and I've remarried.

My exDH turns up at family funerals and it's causing me increasing discomfort. He was there at my uncle's a few years ago, I didn't know he was coming until I saw him in the car park. Now one of my cousins has passed away. My own DH won't be coming because he is holding the fort at home with our twins. My exDH will sit with me and my parents and act like we've been married the whole time. It's so uncomfortable.

His family haven't spoken a word to me since we separated yet he expects to come to my family things because it was me who left him - therefore, in his eyes, he's entitled.

We have got on ok over the years but politely fell out a few years ago and haven't really spoken since. (Our 2 DC's are late 20's) so its going to be doubly awkward.

I suppose because it's a funeral, I feel I can't really say anything or ask him not to come but its causing me additional stress at a very sad time. I wouldn't mind if he sat at the back and nipped away before the reception but it's very unlikely. He'll make a day of it. He wasn't that interested in my family before we got divorced!

Is he being weird? Am I being unreasonable? Should I speak to him in advance? Or have I just got to suck it up as it's a public event?

OP posts:

Ebony69 · 10/10/2022 00:02

OP please don’t flame me. But did you end the marriage after an affair? Is that why you feel uncomfortable in his presence in public at these events and why the ex in laws don’t speak to you?

TheLadyofShalott1 · 10/10/2022 00:02

Ah, @CheesyBeans1 thank you so much for not reposting it - it was getting more than ridiculous 🌻

Ebony69 · 10/10/2022 00:07

Ebony69 · 10/10/2022 00:02

OP please don’t flame me. But did you end the marriage after an affair? Is that why you feel uncomfortable in his presence in public at these events and why the ex in laws don’t speak to you?

BTW I meant affair by you and not him.

Reallycomplicatedpants · 10/10/2022 00:14

Ebony69 · 10/10/2022 00:02

OP please don’t flame me. But did you end the marriage after an affair? Is that why you feel uncomfortable in his presence in public at these events and why the ex in laws don’t speak to you?

Yes, that's a fair summing up. Hence all the guilt.

It became very obvious that my exh was, in reality, very uninterested in me, and always had been. I had actually thought there was something fundamentally unattractive about me - all the way through my 20's and 30's. Makes me so sad thinking back.
He hadn't had so much as a single date since then, has no interest in sharing his life and really shouldn't have married me in the first place. He hid long hours at work and I was very lonely for years.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 10/10/2022 00:31

Thank you so much @ItsnotaHenryMoore / @Reallycomplicatedpants for your kind response to my very long post. I hope you understand that I did post it with good intentions, but I am now going to try to avoid the particular path that is paved with good intentions, as I am not too keen on it's final destination ... But please accept these as a token, because unfortunately I cannot send you the real thing 💐

Cavagirl · 10/10/2022 09:15

@Reallycomplicatedpants I had the same question... so if I can venture another...
What was your parents' reaction to you ending the marriage having had an affair of some sort?
I'm wondering if their appeasement of him in these circumstances is linked to some guilt by extension?

Reallycomplicatedpants · 10/10/2022 12:07

Cavagirl · 10/10/2022 09:15

They were surprised but very supportive once I had talked about some aspects which I hadn't previously shared with them. I suspect there's a bit of appeasement but I think it is more because they thought it was generally a positive thing for everyone to get on well, mostly because it would make things easier and less awkward for the DC's.

ShinglesThinBonesWhiskersBunions · 10/10/2022 15:23

@TheLadyofShalott1 please don't shut up. I was not being sarcastic or facetious.

If you are able to summarise your thoughts I might be better able to help if I understood your main concerns.

GabriellaMontez · 10/10/2022 17:12

Ahh I see. He thinks because you did a bad thing he is entitled to punish you for it indefinitely.

What a dick. I can see why you left him.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2022 17:29

Frankly, I think the circumstances in which the marriage ended are irrelevant. The point is that it did end, and no one should be expected to carry the guilt of that situation for eternity. It's been two whole decades, and still this man is making you pay in about the cruelest possible way. For someone to use the funerals of another person's loved ones to assert his unwanted presence and continue punishing you 20 YEARS after the marriage concluded is about as low as it's possible to sink.

I suspect he's also coopeted his own children to this end, by painting himself as the injured party.

He's repugnant. No wonder you divorced him, and I blame you not the slightest for seeking consolation and a better life elsewhere.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 10/10/2022 21:46

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2022 08:37

It sounds as if your dd’s have been thoroughly groomed by your ex. As they are adults, I think you should discuss this with them. If you can’t do it verbally, perhaps in writing in a nice card each to them. Something like:

‘It is so sad that dad hasn’t moved on from our marriage and I do feel terribly sorry for the way life has turned out. His attending family funerals is very distressing for grandma and grandpa as well as our much loved family members grieving losses.

Sometime in the not so distant future, one of the funerals being held will be for one of your grandparents. It would be devastating for grandma or grandpa to have to face your dad at the funeral. Everyone has been polite to your dad for your sakes for the past 20 years despite his presence adding to their grief. However, our bereaved family members and especially your grandparents, are the ones, who must be prioritised at future funerals.

Dad saw very very little of my family when we were together and he had only ever met (the name of person, whose funeral has just taken place) 2 or 3 times. For this reason, I am asking you to tell your dad the next time there is a family funeral that he should not attend as he is upsetting your grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, who are grieving a much loved family member. They are the ones, who must be prioritised always at a time of great grief.’

If they come back angry, you could tell it to them straight that he is doing this to try to hurt and control you and that he treated you in this way when you were married and this is why you left him.

Great advice!

Wheredoallthepensgo · 10/10/2022 21:54

IVbumble · 09/10/2022 11:22

It's important to tackle the subject of his behaviour - even if your DD's don't like to hear it. They really need to understand that women no longer have to pander to men - which is something they are already doing.

Yes this. Your daughters deserve a strong example of not putting up with manipulating idiots.

IVbumble · 11/10/2022 07:34

I have always tried to be kind and compassionate because it was my decision to leave

Remember we all have the right to end a relationship at any time & we don't need to persecute ourselves because we were the one that ended it.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 11/10/2022 13:26

@ShinglesThinBonesWhiskersBunions
Thank you very much for your lovely reply and concern.

Your name here suggests that you and I have had at least some shared life experiences - I have had Shingles twice, my first time was when I was a teenager, and before they had the anti-viral medication that can help lessen the symptoms of any Herpes infection. The Shingles was horrendous. The second time (was when I was in my 50's, and I was able to take the Acyclovir, and apart from tiredness hardly suffered at all). As I am quite a few years post menopausal now, it is not surprising that I have thinning bones, and I quite enjoy having my individual whiskers tweezered out of my chin(s)! No sign of bunions yet, but there might still be time for at least one or two...

Dear Shingles, I think that I have already taken up enough space on the OP's thread, so I don't think it would be fair on her, or the other readers here who have no interest in my potted history - not that I can "pot" unfortunately - to be repeated, and as I just tried to intimate, I really can't summarise well enough to make my original post on this thread much shorter, or indeed, more comprehensible.

Also, the OP has replied to my first post, and put my mind at ease that I cannot help her with my experiences in life, and others have more bluntly said the same thing to me, so I don't think they would appreciate my rehashing any of it. But you have said one of the nicest things to me ShinglesThinBones than anyone has ever before, when you said said when you said "please don't shut up..."
as it is nearly always the other way around!

NB. See, even my short reply to you hasn't turned out to be...
... but many thanks again for asking xx

RealityTV · 20/10/2022 09:47

@ItsnotaHenryMoore, why are YOU continuing to entertain him? How is he finding out about these deaths? Why don't you have people sit beside you so he can't? There are so many questions here. I would NEVER let someone sit beside me that wasn't welcome! I would MOVE! The fact that YOU allow this speaks volumes! Have you spoken to your family to ask them NOT to allow him to do this? It is EXTREMELY disrespectful of him to come and pretend he is still family! It is also disconcerting as I'm sure that he has seen other people during the time you've been divorced. The fact that you allow this is problematic and you need to put your foot down AT THE EVENT and switch seats with someone and stop engaging with him! He does this because YOU allow him to & he has faced no discomfort! You should also get a sitter for the twins AND BRING YOUR HUSBAND! You don't have to be near your ex UNLESS you want to! He is stalking you, however infrequent, and it isn't OK! Act accordingly!

handyandy1 · 20/10/2022 10:17

Me exH does exactly the same thing, he was at a family funeral of my Uncle, who he hardly ever saw and had not seen in 10 years! Bizarre, but I think that it is just an old fashioned obligation of respect. I feel uncomfortable, but put up with it as I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers me!!

AllyArty · 05/12/2022 19:43

I guess you can't stop him attending especially if its in a church because a church is a public place. But you are perfectly within your rights to ask him not to sit up the front with you and your family. Its a bit cheeky of him if you ask me.

Original poster

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 23/12/2023 08:56

Well, his mother has recently sadly died. I have sent a polite condolence and been supporting my DD's. And no, I shan't be attending the funeral.

OP posts:

Zonder · 23/12/2023 09:32

Good response OP.

Original poster

ItsnotaHenryMoore · 23/12/2023 23:14

I'm hoping it might model some behaviour around inappropriate attendance!

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 23/12/2023 23:27

My parents have been divorced for 25 years and have each attended funerals for significant losses for the other.

They are both comfortable with it though and neither behaves weirdly, sitting next to each other etc.

It is obviously different in your circumstance, he seems to be doing it almost as a last point of control?

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