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Relationships

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Original poster

My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

338 replies

placemats · 17/09/2022 12:44

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

OP posts:

albapunk · 17/09/2022 12:51

Is your Son eligible for any benefits? Or is he able to work?

At 21 he is an adult, when do you expect him to be independent if he isn't already?

I don't mean to sound harsh just trying to get a better grasp of situation!

SausagePourHomme · 17/09/2022 12:52

this is going to be a really tough one for anyone to answer. Autism varies so hugely from person to person and many autistic people live independent successful lives (although it may take them longer to get there than NT people). There are many young people still living at home at 21 who do need that push towards independence by withdrawing some support, not cooking for them, not paying for their visits to girlfriends. Only you know what's possible for your son.

If your son genuinely cannot live independently it stands to reason that his father should continue to support him along with you.

RaininSummer · 17/09/2022 12:53

Your son needs to claim benefits in his own right or with you as his appointee.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/09/2022 12:53

I’m afraid I agree with your ex. At 21, he is entitled to the same support as anyone else. Is he claiming everything he’s eligible for?

SpinningFloppa · 17/09/2022 12:55

My daughter is autistic and ex has never paid a penny for her and she’s still a child so I think your ex has been pretty good to pay till 21!

Oojamaflipp · 17/09/2022 12:57

How responsible is your son with his own money? If your ex has a problem with the money coming to you, perhaps you could suggest he gives some money directly to your son, for example for clothes, toiletries etc that you would typically buy for him, and the money you save there can go towards bills?

That way, your ex doesn't feel like you're getting the money (assuming that's his issue), your son has some small amount of responsibility and you are not put of pocket.

Motnight · 17/09/2022 12:59

Do you work Op? What was the financial agreement when you divorced?

Theillustratedmummy · 17/09/2022 13:02

Its very difficult to answer without better understanding of your sons needs and capabilities. He may just need the push to independence that lots of young people need or he may need life long support. It could also be that you need to let go somewhat and I understand that completely its not a criticism.
Has your son had chance to explore independence.

Smartiepants79 · 17/09/2022 13:02

When WILL he be independent.
I would perhaps hope that his father would help out when required but there needs to be a better long term solution.
He is an adult. Have you claimed all the benefits and support he would be entitled to? Disability allowance, carers allowance??
Is there a point that you can see when he will be living on his own?? If he can’t cook a meal in a supervised environment like your home the it sounds like he’s a long way off being an independent person.

stayinghometoday · 17/09/2022 13:04

Is an independent life even possible? The way it reads it sounds more that your son will end up in assisted living or something similar. Why hasn't he claimed benefits? What's the plan when you die?

I don't see why your ex should still fund him, at his age he either gets a job or goes on benefits or moves to some kind of home if you can't cope anymore.

AndSoFinally · 17/09/2022 13:04

Autism is too varied a spectrum for anyone to comment meaningfully.

If your son still needs total support, is he not eligible for benefits?

DrDetriment · 17/09/2022 13:06

I'm with your ex here. At 21 your son should be receiving benefits if he has high needs and your income is low. Neither parent should have to pay to support him.

Wombat100 · 17/09/2022 13:07

I don’t think your ex is being unreasonable based on what you’ve said.

Your son is an adult now so surely can claim benefits? Is there a reason your annual household income is so low?

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 13:09

This thread is full of people who have clearly never tried to access so called support services and disability benefits. YANBU, your ex is a cunt.

daretodenim · 17/09/2022 13:10

Technically your DH is right.

He's still being an arse though.

Original poster

placemats · 17/09/2022 13:10

Oojamaflipp · 17/09/2022 12:57

That way, your ex doesn't feel like you're getting the money (assuming that's his issue), your son has some small amount of responsibility and you are not put of pocket.

I buy everything for him and I am his advocate.

To be honest, I want to sell the house and move on. I'm 61 years old. I get Universal Credit, I have carer's allowance, but this is taken from UC as it's deemed income, it give's me an extra £10 per month. I work when I can, but this is also taken from the Universal Credit - so far this year I have earned £470.

My son gets £250 per month, into his account as spending money - but he spends nothing -, on benefits plus his Pips which I get to help with the everyday costs.

His dad lives in a grade 2 listed house.

There's no way he can live independently though.

I would be so much better off if I sold and lived alone.

OP posts:

Puppers · 17/09/2022 13:10

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/09/2022 12:53

I’m afraid I agree with your ex. At 21, he is entitled to the same support as anyone else. Is he claiming everything he’s eligible for?

But what kind of parent refuses support to their vulnerable child - adult or not - when they are wealthy enough to do so simply because he’s not “entitled” to it? That’s so uncaring and the opposite of what any loving parent would do.

Original poster

placemats · 17/09/2022 13:11

ElizabethBest · 17/09/2022 13:09

This thread is full of people who have clearly never tried to access so called support services and disability benefits. YANBU, your ex is a cunt.

Thank you. x

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 17/09/2022 13:11

If your son claim PIP and Universal credit if he is not able to work , that could mean an extra £1000 + coming into the house. Your ex is not unreasonable in not wanting to support your son indefinitely. If he is not able to work then he claims benefits.

Puppers · 17/09/2022 13:13

I can never understand this MN thing of “once your kids are adults they’re on their own”. Thankfully I don’t know anyone like that in real life. Especially when we’re talking about an adult who isn’t capable of living independently. Lucky for OP’s son he only has one parent who thinks like that and not two, otherwise what on earth would happen if he had no advocate and no financial support whatsoever.

missbipolar · 17/09/2022 13:13

I would take the traveling to see his partner argument out of it. Also if your son isn't spending any of his benefits money he could be giving some to you?

yonce · 17/09/2022 13:14

I think it was good of him to contribute until the age of 21 - comparing your household incomes - are you including a partner of your ex in that? Or is 100k all of your exes earnings?

Your income sounds terribly low, are you totally unable to work due to your sons additional needs? At 21 (although probably a rubbish system) there's a level of benefits and additional help he'll be entitled to as an adult.

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/09/2022 13:15

Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year

is this just him, or is it non related adults?

why is your household income less than £10k? Do you work?

does he work? Why are you ferrying him hundreds of miles to see a “partner”? If he is capable of holding down an adult relationship why can’t he cook a hot meal?

bottom line is he is an adult, and should be eligible for DLA etc to take care of his financial needs. If he needs care you should be able to claim carers allowance. Neither you or your ex should need to support him.

how dependent is he?

Discovereads · 17/09/2022 13:16

Perhaps the son could go and live with his dad? I don’t think it’s fair that you’re carrying all the cost and caring responsibilities for a child of the two of you. Your ex shouldn’t be able to just abandon his responsibilities when he has a child who is not, and may not ever be independent. If he doesn’t want his son living with him, the least he could do is contribute to the cost of his upkeep. The fact he is 21 is irrelevant in the case of a profoundly disabled adult child.

altmember · 17/09/2022 13:16

Difficult to say without you even attempting to explain where on the spectrum he is. If he's able to have a relationship then surely he's also able to work?

What are you doing towards making him able to live independently?

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