My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

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Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

My father did this to my autistic brothers. Nobody speaks to my father anymore. Some people need a lot more time to get on their feet in life, particular those with autism. Maybe until 25-35yo. Your ex should pay. He is deluded if he thinks an autistic 21yo needs no further parenting/support.

I am confused. Why does your daughter now have to care for your son.

what sort of relationship is there between your son and his dad? Is there contact?

if you say your son can no longer live with you, would he be capable of independent living?

Why would his sister have to do this?

That is a huge responsibility for her and her dp

Basic payments per household per year is approximately £5000 per year now. I'm including other necessities such as internet, insurance, car, petrol. This doesn't include clothes or food.

There’s no way this should be your daughter’s problem to inherit!

That happened to someone I know, parents fucked off to France and left adult siblings to fill the gap they had created. The autistic sibling still hasn’t recovered and their standard of life is much worse due to the impact created.

If you want out, you need to contact adult social services and get something established that you and adult siblings can support, while not being primary care givers.

”Keeping it within the family” does more harm than good, as what happens when siblings have their own families and want to pursue their own paths but are in the unfair position of being responsible for their brother?

If only life were actually that simple; benefits easy to access, you were made aware of everything they may be entitled to and those benefits were enough to live on.
Unfortunately, none of the above is what life with a disabled, adult dependent is actually like. So I agree with the OP, both parents should continue to support their child. As the parent of someone who is unlikely to ever be able to live independently this is the reality.

If you are helping your ds manage a relationship then surely he can manage to make a hot meal? Surely you take board money off his benefits?

His sister and partner is happy to do it.

Oh and they are decades younger than me and recognise the urgency. My children are lovely. x

OP, could you give more details as to how your DS needs support / why he can’t get a job etc. Not to argue but to try to find out what he and you could be entitled to in terms of benefits and also accommodation (supported living?)

I’m also unclear about why you mention his sister and her partner, what is the current situation, do they live with you at the moment? Or have they said they would like DS to live with them?

Well yes this. Which OP hasn't answered. Along with a load of other questions that haven't been answered.

It may well be that the father is a total dick. In the other hand OP could well be making unwise choices and be relying on ex's maintenance to avoid having to make different choices.

So no one can really judge here.

My nephew gets benefits and carers allowance has done since he was 18 his mum is single and he lives with her. Have you looked at this?

You do sound quite down op which is understandable. You have had it tough im sure. I think now is the time for an overhaul. I'm not condoning your ex at all but it is what is happening and you can't change it. So your focus needs to be on chance for you all.
The current set up is not working.
Its an absolute shambles and a fight to get more than basic support, practically and financially but its not impossible. There are other avenues not just basic pip and CA. You need a savey person to help with this. Someone in the know, who has been through it. Can you connect with a carers group and ask for help.

You need to assess and be honest with yourself about what your son can realistically achieve, is it because he is comfortable with the current set up or is it because he really can't live independently. Could he and you see him in supported living or could he get his own place with light touch support from you or services. I understand your reluctance here but your not getting any younger and its time to face the facts.

Don't commit to actions while you are feeling hurt. Ds moving in with your ex may not be the answer as you would lose all your entitlements and may find it hard to get back to work full time etc plus its likely that will break down and leave you in the crap further down the line, same with his sister. Its not a long term solution.
Allow yourself to be angry for a while then use that anger to push on to finding more support and coming up with longer term plans. Although I do fully empathise with how exhausting that is.

I'm sorry but this isn't true. My autistic daughter can't make a hot meal, she even manages to burn herself using the kettle, but she is able to maintain some friendships and had a 'boyfriend' which was really just a friend but they put a label on it. Unless you live it, you have no idea.

This is not your daughter's burden.

What are your long term plans for your son's life - or was it always the plan to get your daughter to look after him? What steps are you all taking towards his independence?

Have you spoken with his social worker?

How long have they offered for?

As a couple they might be happy for a while, but may have dc at some point.

As the parent are you sure you want them to take on this without looking at other options first?

The relationship makes him happy. And they see each other maybe once a month. It's mainly an internet relationship.

I've been looking after him for 21 years, physically and emotionally and it's drained the life out of me. His dad was able to leave, because he was the high earner.

I'm being silly.

Of course I have dreams like everyone else and wish for a lovely peaceful retirement.

Perhaps I do have to carry on.

Thank you all for your responses. And support.

OP, does your son go out without you? Is he entitled to support workers?

Does he ever stay with his sister overnight?

Can you expand on what you have done to help your son become as independent as he can own so far?

Dh has an adult son with autism.
He lives alone off benefits but I am aware that benefits in the country I am in may be higher than in UK. Family members call around or he calls around to family members a few times a week to cook him food/feed him. Make sure he is washing, cleaning etc. The rest of the time he eats crap and sits on his computer but that's his choice and he is happy enough with that life. The plan was always to try him out living alone then if it didn't work out call adult social services but these things didn't just happen. He was helped to apply for benefits, where we are there are charities that help young disabled adults do this, then family found him somewhere to rent and moved him in.

We were told that he wouldn't be able to live independently but he is, would we like to live like he does? No but he is happy an d manages to feed himself etc for the most part.

Why would my son have a social worker when he's well looked after? He was diagnosed autistic at 3 years old.

OP, your son should have a social worker from adult services. They and you should be working towards getting him a supported living place, with appropriate support and benefits. No matter that your daughter would be happy to have him, it’s not fair to ask her to take on this lifetime commitment.

What support can you access for your son?

Are you sure you are claiming all he is entitled to?

Lastly. Please don't push him off to your daughter. That's not fair

OP I'm the same almost the same age as you and had to stop working 8 years ago to support my autistic dd (18) Her has df paid minimum and moved nearly 1000 miles away to start a new life when she was 15 so I have some understanding of your situation.
But there is also a great deal I don't understand. Firstly how you could possibly pass over responsibility to your dd, however lovely and willing she is. That is not fair on anyone.
You say say she is decades younger than you but that simply means the prospect of decades longer for her to carry that responsibility.
With your dd's support could you not focus on improving your ds's prospects e.g. through assisted living or reviewing his benefits with CAB or other disability advisory service

But what happens when your daughter and her partner AREN'T happy to have him? They may last a few months of him living there and decide that's its too much or want to have children

He should have an adult social worker to help with accessing support

No, your ex has been crap. Sorry.