My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

Hmm I can see your ex's point. He didn't cut it off at 18 when he became a legal adult, he's continued to 21 a reasonable age for independence.

I think what you need to look at really is how do you now begin to prepare your son for a independent life.

He should be on high rate PIP plus also UC and the not capable of work category. He should also be receiving the disability premium due to being in receipt of both of these.

Would you consider your son moving into supported accommodation and begining to live independently?

Because he is now an adult and there isn't the same expectation on parents to provide 24 hour care as when he was a child.
I'm not deluded in the ease of accessing support but that's the path you need to look at rather than keeping it in the family. Your ds needs an adult social care assessment and perhaps your dd could help you navigate that ?

Your ex is right. Your son is an adult and you Aswell as social services need to work out a plan. There are places with assisted leaving available and also getting him all the benefits available.

you wanting to swan off and leave him with his sister is just as bad as his dad leaving him. I’m sorry but you chose to have a child and not every child is perfect. You can’t ditch him now without a plan in place. My brother is severely autistic and the thought my mum would dump him on me is disgusting. He’s not my responsibility as I’m not his parents.

speak to social services and get the ball rolling.

If you're 61 you've still got a few years until State Pension age and you'll be getting full contributions because of the Carers Allowance. If you sell up and go ahead with the sister/partner idea, all your benefits will stop and you'll be living on diminishing capital. Obviously, you may have ample left to buy another property and fund those few years, we don't know.

Perhaps you could make a short/medium term plan that means your son will be properly sorted out to be as independent and secure as possible when you are at or nearer State Pension age? I'm sure your daughter and her partner are indeed lovely, but this is a massive, massive commitment and circumstances can change very quickly. I'd start with a serious talk with your sons social worker.

Its time for your son to go live with his father.

With all due respect, I don't want this for my son.

Nor does his sisters.

He has two sisters.

My experience is extremely limited, but the 28 year old daughter of a friend of mine is autistic, and will always be very dependent upon carers. She has lived very successfully in supported housing (Croydon LA) for the last 3 or 4 years. She's able to travel on public transport, shop, cook, look after her flat herself and engage in hobbies and group activities, but she always has the support of the carers/social workers and her peers in the supported housing. It means that her family have been able to work overseas, go to university in a different city, knowing their relative is safe.

I know it took a long time for this housing option to become available, and I've no idea, obviously, how it differs from LA to LA - but might this be an option for your son?

I was told (by a senior social worker) my daughter wouldn't be able to access an adult social worker without having additional mental health issues. Never used one as never needed to. Then people say you need one for support services but clearly that's not the case.

Are there actually any social workers on this thread? Or just people spouting rubbish for the sake of it.

Can you get your son assessed for/name down for supported accommodation? What is the long term plan for developing his independence skills?

What does he spend his days doing? Does he go to a day centre?

There's 2 separate issues here. His dad stopping supporting him financially but also planning for DD's future care needs, his sister may not do this forever

@AMindNeedsBooks what the heck are you having a go at me for?

I have had an adult social worker myself if it's any of your business.

To access support services. And I don't have additional mental health needs beyond being autistic and having physical disabilities.

Fuck me like this place is nasty when I was only trying to be helpful
To the op

Apologies, I did come across badly there. I know I quoted your post but I was meaning generally with people saying 'get a social worker' as if it's that easy.

I think I am just feeling frustrated as now my DD is considered an 'adult', there isn't any help. Sorry for being dickish @bbcdefg, clearly this thread has touched a sore point!

His father swanned off when he was 9 years old.

@AMindNeedsBooks there's an assessment process to determine who gets support from adult social care. My dd is on that transition pathway now.
It's not automatic and not necessarily essential but to suggest it's not worth considering is false information.

You can’t repeat that with your daughters though. He is a brother not their dc

Would supported living be an option for him? I have a family member in supported living and she really enjoys it. It's a small setting with live-in carers who teach the residents life skills like cooking, using the bus, going shopping etc.

@AMindNeedsBooks I'm an HCP not a doc worker.
If your DD has a disability and has care needs she is entitled to a SE assessment of her needs

It depends on your son’s capabilities. Has he stopped you from working? I struggle to reconcile that he’s independent enough to have a GF but not independent enough to allow you to work, even if he doesn’t work himself.

What does your ex envisage will happen to him? Is he trying to encourage independence whilst you’re not?

There are so many variables, there’s definitely instances where your exDH would be BU but also many reasons why he might not be.

That's very interesting.

I'm going to be honest here and have not known about adult social workers.

Who should I contact about independent living?

I don't live in London.

Thank you for this info. I can only speak from my own experience and would never tell anyone not to try anyway. I've been a bit of a dick as this is a sore point for me, so I'm going to bow out so as not to derail.

@placemats the role of a social worker doesn't only involve when a child is neglected?
I don't mean to sound blunt but you sound burned out. Are you registered as a carer with your local carers service and have you had a carers assessment to see what support is in place?
Your son is entitled to an assessment of need by Social Services. They are likely to know of programmes to get him living independently, other services available to you both and respite for you - possibly even a payment package for a personal assistant to be recruited to perform some of his support needs.
It's lovely he has two sisters- but if the long term care plan was to change, what then? Get the support that's out there.

*social work assessment

@AMindNeedsBooks I hear you!

@placemats in reply to your latest- quickest way to start accessing things is via your local carer support service.

That's very helpful. Thank you.

I understand that there's lots of useful information on here. I have myself worked in social and care work pre pandemic.