My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

She didnt say when it was last reviewed, she was asked about that. She also said its in place until he is 25 but is a misunderstanding about SEN so doesnt convince me that its current

I work with children the vast majority (because of the cohort) have EHCPs

What she's said is that he still has an ehcp for education only. But given no details beyond that.

It doesn’t matter when it was last reviewed, although legally it must be reviewed at least annually, if he wasn’t in education or in advanced education the LA would have ceased to maintain it. OP says he has an EHCP, she would know if it had been ceased.

Im not convinced that she would know because she has very little knowledge from other things she has said about his support, but either way neither of us is going to know because OP hasnt been back and probably wont

You may want to keep his care in the family, but you need to also look at plans that don’t involve family members providing care. If you leave it to your daughters and they either refuse or can’t cope, your son could end up in a worse situation than if you’d actually prepared.

Your two daughters not wanting children is irrelevant. He’s not their child, and not their responsibility. They have their own lives to live. You say they’re happy about it, but I wonder if they actually are, rather than letting you believe that in order to avoid the fallout if they say no. Have they been raised to consider this their responsibility? Have they been subject to pressure from you?

Of course she would. She/DS would have had paperwork if the LA had ceased to maintain. We don’t need OP to come back to know whether he has an EHCP, she has already said he has and it covers education.

Ultimately regardless of the right and wrongs of the OPs future plans for her son, there's a lot of unfair judgment towards the OP about her employment situation.

Ultimately regardless of the right and wrongs of the OPs future plans for her son, there's a lot of unfair judgment towards the OP about her employment situation

o/p hasn’t given enough information to judge fairly.

she refuses to say how much care her son needs. If he’s relatively independent as per previous threads, or in some sort of education or training plan, then her working situation is unreasonable. She says 6k is her income including benefits, so her ex is contributing more to her household than she is.

if he’s completely dependent then she is less able to work that’s fair enough. But again her son should be in some sort of program or education/training plan, and she refuses to say whether he’s at home all day needing care, or she has effectively chosen to be a sahm.

My dad stopped when I turned 18 I think. I then went onto claiming PIP as I'm quite low functioning so unable to work. I can't imagine many fathers contributing til the age of 21 to be honest

@Reallyreallyborednow the fact that her son receives PIP and she gets carers allowance is a massive indication the government has assessed her son as needing a significant degree of support / care. I don't think anyone would suggest in the current political climate its easy to get those benefits without going through significant hurdles.

@BlankTimes that's amazing - thank you so much

I'm sure this has already been suggested and I also have a child with additional needs who is nearly an adult now.

Ido not expect his sibling to be his carer. They have their own lives to live

I do expect to support him to live independently. With some support. I can be part of that transition for as long as I'm healthy enough to do so. But there will also be paid care around him going forward.

Social services will be able to help with this. I have seen people be cared for by aging parents and then having to deal with their grief when they have died and then moving and being thrusted into independence. In my opinion this is cruel

I as my son carer will not always be able to do it. Or be around. You talk about wanting space for yourself. Then you need to start planning how the future looks for your son and how that can be achieved. If family are happy to be involved in that so be it. But I would be considering a mixture of family and paid care if your son has high enough needs.

I am so saddened at the volume of posts in support if OP's ex here.
Jesus he is a parent here too- just because a child hits the age of 21 autistic or not he is not suddenly absolved of responsibility here. Why should this all fall on OP?
Anybody with even limited knowledge of the disability/benefits system knows being entitled to benefits never equates to feasible or adequate support.
Appalling. OP YANBU at all!

I am so saddened at the volume of posts in support if OP's ex here
Jesus he is a parent here too- just because a child hits the age of 21 autistic or not he is not suddenly absolved of responsibility here. Why should this all fall on OP?

I do not support anyone who leaves and refuses to help their child/children and I doubt anyone does.
The OP has very clearly indicated that he is only responsible financially and this should continue no matter what. The OP seems to want to control her childs situation rather than having worked towards a level of independence all these years. Passing the care to her daughter. (what was that about 'wives'?). Keeping it 'in house'. Who does that benefit?
The level of bitterness because makes me wonder if it has been all about the money. Also makes me wonder if the father ever tried to assist and came up against that 'control'. Way too many unanswered questions and no way to know the 'real' situation. 🤷‍♀️

*I am so saddened at the volume of posts in support if OP's ex here.

Jesus he is a parent here too- just because a child hits the age of 21 autistic or not he is not suddenly absolved of responsibility here. Why should this all fall on OP?*

i don’t think there’s been a lot of support for the ex? Mainly because o/p hasn’t given enough info on the circumstances.

most of the posts have been supportive to o/p, with advice on how to get support and which agencies she can contact to assist her adult son with his independence, and reduce the burden on her. Which she doesn’t seem to want to hear.

regardless of the exes behaviour o/p needs to access help and support. If she doesn’t she’s going to be in this situation indefinitely, and her ex is contributing nearly half her income.

I don’t think many have been supportive of the dad?

people have tried to understand his involvement, tried to understand what limitations the adult son is facing, tried to understand how much care is required.

OP has docked a lot of questions just instincts the ex should continue to provide child support and her daughters should take over Care - and provide housing for her.

expecting child support indefinitely for a man who is entitled to benefits is probably unrealistic. Perhaps the dad should be sharing the caring burden - but it is impossible to comment as we have no idea what the adult son wants, needs or is currently receiving.

OPs posts are confusing and evasive. Her ex could be reasonable or he could be a shit. None of us know.

I'm sorry you got a hard time op. I haven't any advice but I've felt the way you have before. It's really unfair, it really really is. People want you to shrug it off but these people wouldn't be able to cope calmly with the unfairness of your situation either. Sounds like you have very supportive family, at least they've got your back.

Nobody is saying her situation is fair, people are trying to actually help but OP keeps dodging questions about her sons capabilities.

She is obviously worn out and stressed but its not her ex husbands job to support his adult son and ex wife - realistically how long can this go on for?

Get the son in a supported living environment where he can thrive and learn life skills. With this set up the daughters and OP can all thrive as well and not feel like the need to spend the rest of their lives as carers- most people on this thread have been very supportive towards the OP but tbh she just keeps ignoring questions about her son and instead focusing on her ex husband and his money.

So what to actually do, @placemats .
Your ds has PIP set up and you are his appointee? He has an ehcp so is not at university but is he still studying? He gets £250 into his account “to spend” but doesn’t. You receive benefits and your household income is 40% maintenance payments from your ex husband.

Is all the above correct?
if so, Does ds receive UC? If not I would suggest you help him apply.

Does he have a blue badge?If not I would suggest you help him apply.
does he get help with prescriptions/dentist/opticians?If not I would suggest you help him apply.
does he have a free bus pass?If not I would suggest you help him apply.
when was your last ehcp review? You can ask for review if appropriate now and provide evidence of what would help him?
have you investigated direct payments for things like clubs/activities/enablers?
He is an adult now and entitled to support.

Just looking for advice on how to get him to continue support for his son.

With all due respect OP, nobody can advise you how to do this, because your son is an adult and your Ex is not responsible for him, financially or otherwise, any more than you are.

This is why we have all advised you to seek help from adult social services and other professionals to ensure your son is claiming all the benefits he is entitled to, and to access the support he needs to become as independent as he can. I have already posted links above about reviewing the EHCP and tightening it up.

You can also get advice here with regard to benefits, social care assessments etc :

Carers UK - www.carersuk.org/
Contact - contact.org.uk/advice-and-support/social-care/
Disability Law Service - dls.org.uk/

You really need to look at the bigger picture here. The family continuing to care for your son instead of letting him become independent/semi independent is not doing him or the family any favours.

I’m in a similar position to this sister, or rather I was. I have a DB, who has complex needs. He’s also been diagnosed as autistic, but I suspect he also has cPTSD, as a result of childhood abuse (which my DSis and I have been diagnosed with).

He’s now 54 and hasn’t been able to hold down a job during his whole adult life.

My DM has always cared for him and she used to look to me to be there for him as well. And my DH and I used to have him stay with us regularly and visit him in his flat. But then we adopted our 2 DDs (now 13 and 10) with their individual needs, one of them having SEN. It became like having another child with SEN to have my DB stay with us. He also shouted at our DDs sometimes.

The upshot was that I had to say no to being involved in my DB’s care. It wasn’t easy, but it was the only decision for my family.

The OP’s DD might find it too much, looking after her brother. She and her partner might well want to have their own family, they might not even stay together.

If he is 21, and you are on benefits and receive UC for him, why ask his "very wealthy" father for money?

Or, as another way of looking at it, if a "very wealthy" man has an SEN child who can to an extent live independently, then why is the state still funding said 21-year old?

Can't have it both ways...

I think his father has been generous supporting him until this point. Clearly your son does need to begin the process of separating to an independent life. This needs to happen for him and also because you are 61! My eldest son is 42 and is autistic with an IQ in the bottom 3% of the population. He has his own flat, he drives and saved thousands to buy the car. He cooks healthy meals every night etc - salmon, prawns, chicken etc
So you need to make up your mind where and how you are going to live in retirement and not build that around a 21 year old adult who is travelling miles at your expense to have sex with his partner! My own son cannot hold down a relationship but he has things in his life to give meaning.
Get some applications for housing into the system and contact social services for advice and guidance.

Or, as another way of looking at it, if a "very wealthy" man has an SEN child who can to an extent live independently, then why is the state still funding said 21-year old?

If DS has an EHCP, then he must be in education? An EHCP can run until 25 or even longer. In that case, it’s no different from parents being expected to provide the assessed parental contributions to their children at university, until they are 21, 22 or more (language courses are 4 years, and medicine is what 5 or 6 years)?

The state may fund a person with ASD for the rest of their life - being able to live in a flat and cook their dinners, is not the same as handling all the complexities of independent living. Hence the need for supported living.

“He is now in a mencap shared home. He is the happiest he has ever been in his life, living with friends and says he wants to live there for the rest of his life.“

This. Your obsession with your ex is preventing you from seeing clearly. You need to be helping your son towards some sort of independent living in every way you can.
perhaps your ex can see this and is trying to force you to see it too by withdrawing financial support.

you really can’t expect your daughters to take responsibility. You are burned out after 21 years. What will it do to them after 50/60 years?