My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

And your ex husband is a cunt

They expect the wives to take up the slack.

You expect daughters to take up the slack.

I think it's important to note that 21 maybe seen as fully adult in most circumstances, but autistic individuals and others with additional needs are likely to take longer to reach their maturity. I don't mean "catch up" I mean that there may well be lots that could change over the next few years. E H C Ps can go up to age 25 which reflects this.
I don't know how independent my dd will ultimately be but I know not to limit her potential by comparing her to NT peers of same age. She may well stay at home longer but ultimately be independent.

I’m sorry OP, your ex is a cunt but you’re expecting too much of your family. You think your DS living with and being cared for by your DDs and you living with a family member is really better than supporting your DS towards more independence?

Have you considered taking him to his dad's and telling him he needs to help his son.

@Puppers what makes you think the Dad is wealthy?

we have no idea of his outgoings and other dependents vs his salary.

Our son does have his ECHP until 25. He did so well at school. His father is wealthy and can easily afford the extra few hundred per month.

OP I'd def be getting onto the council for vulnerable adult support, from there your son can be supported in assisted I dependant living, there are many options dependant on his needs.

A hot meal? Seriously? For an adult? I very rarely eat a hot meal.

I’m in a similar boat. My DS2 is 22 with ASD and hasn’t found work yet. It’s very hard to find something suitable and supportive though he is capable of some sort of back office job. He has a small inheritance which makes him ineligible for UC but he gets PIP. He is slowly reducing his inheritance by paying me some rent to make him eligible for UC. I work in a school, originally to fit around caring for him. His dad stopped any maintenance when he was 18. He will hopefully be independent one day, I am working towards it, but he needs a lot of support in the meantime.

I just feel that his dad has abandoned any responsibility for him. It may be legal but it’s not loving and it doesn’t seem fair. He left us to get free of the responsibility, he made that clear. He’s also in a high paying career while I did all the autism parenting classes and research and took on a low paid term time job because suitable childcare beyond school wasn’t available. So I have a lot of sympathy for you. I can’t imagine withdrawing love and support for my DS. He’s my lovely boy, now young man.

Are you expecting you ex to fund your choices for your son for the rest of his life?

Our son does have his ECHP until 25. He did so well at school. His father is wealthy and can easily afford the extra few hundred per month.

So get his future care needs fully assessed by soc services, get the support in for him and his father can pay towards it. Anything else is only a short term solution.

What does your ex want for your son OP? Perhaps he wants to see him live more independently. I asked before but you haven’t answered.

It's not an immediate plan and we are all in favour of multi generational households. Obviously that would mean 9 people.

My daughters do not want children.

Why would their lives be impacted and not mine? Makes no sense.

If he has an EHCP bring this up at the next Annual Review.
What provision does he currently have?

Well if he wanted him to live more independently then perhaps he should sort that out. I'd happily discuss it with him.

This is quite a strange thing to say. So just because they’re high earners, your son shouldn’t learn to live independently? How bizarre.

I’m trying to ascertain what he envisages for him. So has he not discussed this with you? Does he have nothing to do with him? Have you have any meaningful discussion with him?

Your life has been impacted, he is your dc

It isn’t right to then impact theirs too. He is not their dc and the burden isn’t theirs

You need another plan

If they don’t want kids why would they want the responsibility of their brother? How is that relevant.

I don't know. Talking to him puts me on a knife edge.

If I say the wrong thing that offends him, and we don't talk often at all, it's always remarked on, then he takes offence and it will be a punishment.. This is the first and second time I've been in contact since lockdown.

I did say the wrong thing I think. Why did I do that?

Just looking for advice on how to get him to continue support for his son.

No, he hasn't been good just because yours has been totally negligent, he's done the bare minimum.

Look, OP, you're not getting any younger. Now is the time to properly plan for the future, and in my view it doesn't mean expecting your daughter and her partner to have him living with them long term. She and her partner may well say that they wouldn't mind, but do they realise the reality of it? And their circumstances may change if they want a family of their own, or to move away, and what then? Your DS would have nowhere to go. I am a kind person but I know the realities of life and honestly I would feel forced into saying yes to an older relative asking me if I could take over the care, knowing full well that they'd had enough. I wouldn't want to do it though. Clearly you have had enough, so surely you could understand how it is rather mean to expect someone else to have to shoulder the burden of care for many years to come.

It IS time to look into independent living for him. You HAVE to prepare now for the life he will have when you are no longer on this earth. The sooner you can do it the better, while you are young and fit enough to help him adjust to it, o teach him those life lessons, how to clean and shop etc. You can visit him weekly (or more often if you can) to check up on him. You simply cannot ever be in the position where you live together and you're at an age where you are struggling yourself because then HE will feel the burden of having to look after YOU.

The reality is you need to bite the bullet, OP, surely you know this. I would imagine that your ex might be more amenable to providing SOME financial support straight to your son if your DS was helped to live independently.

Op just to add to the comments in this thread, I agree with the suggestions in the thread about referring your son for a social work/social care assessment (under section 9 of the Care Act 2014) from Adult social services in your local authority. They will ask about his consent to the referral though so do speak to him about it, as adults can refuse assessments (capacity dependant). As others have pointed out a disability doesn't automatically entitle someone to social care support, any eligible needs will be determined through the assessment process.

You should also be aware that you are also entitled to an assessment as a carer (under section 10 of the Care Act 2014). If assessed as eligible, there may be some services/ wellbeing provisions that can be offered to you to help support you in your role. Although these would be services to help you rather than your son.

I'm a social worker specialising in working with adults with learning disabilities. Although my role now is primarily in education and research.

I read this thinking your ex is a dick for wanting to cut your son off financially but from what I understand, you essentially want to do the same. Is that the case? If so, can you not empathise with your ex's decision?