My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

Also check out ‘intentional communities’ of which there are several throughout the U.K.

@placemats you said
My son gets £250 per month, into his account as spending money - but he spends nothing -, on benefits plus his Pips which I get to help with the everyday costs.

Be very careful with his levels of saving. If they go over a certain amount, £6K to £16K, he could lose part of or all his means-tested benefits.
www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/how-savings-affect-means-tested-benefits/

My father gave my disabled DD some premium bonds when she was a child. She's late 20s now.
Therefore she is not eligible for any means-tested benefits and lives with me as she's not able to live independently.
She gets enhanced rate PIP both Daily Living and Mobility. My car is used for her all the time, so I pay no road tax.

I have only recently obtained prescription exemption charges for her (I wasn't aware she could be eligible, do check for your son if you don't get that already) and will be applying for a reduction in Council Tax.

Contact the 0-25 team at your local council so they can make sure you are utilising everything you're entitled to if you're not already under them.

Well that's the solution then. You sell up.and move somewhere you can afford and up your working hours until retirement. It's very good of his sister and partner to step in like that. Does his sister have the same Dad?

Sorry if this has already been mentioned. I can see you get Carers Allowance but do you get the UC carers premium? CA is good to claim for your National Insurance stamp, but, like you said, is taken off UC. The Carers Premium is not deducted so gives you the extra money to help with living costs.

Try here to start with if you're not sure about local services.
www.carersuk.org/

Really? Even where the father is very well off?

A adult social worker isn't there because of neglect OP. They are there to help you access support and help your DS live independently.

In our Local Authority you would contact the common access point for adult social care. They will then speak to you about what support they can offer.

It can be things like accessing appropriate housing, if need be help with money management such as a advocate. But you seem to do this so that's ok. It could be access to community services by 3rd sector charities and organisations to assist with supporting you and your son if you choose to live together.

I'll look into it. Thank you.

It's a lovely day. I'm going to enjoy mowing my lawn.

Thanks everyone for your help. A lot to take in.

It always is though. Getting the full SEN statement, otherwise he wouldn't have had an education. The DLA and now PIPs - his first PIP was taken to tribunal.

I have a degree, worked in high profile practices but now I'm on benefits. Thankfully I have a roof over our heads.

The op says she doesn't "want that" for her son - living in supported accommodation.

Why should her ex continue to fund that choice for ever?

Surely the best thing is to look to move him towards more independence rather than have his sister have to take care of him?

I was kind of nodding and in your camp until you said your plans are to pass him to your daughter and start your independent life.
Your daughter might think this is a good idea , but has she actually thought through the life-long commitment it entails. What happens if she wants a family ? What happens if he and her partner / husband part ? What happens if she becomes long term ill herself ?
If you no longer want the responsibility of him then you should contact whoever can facilitate him going into some form of assisted living.

How do you get free prescriptions @BlankTimes - I looked into it for my daughter as she has savings so not entiteled to uc but has higher pip mobility and daily living. We were told her savings excluded her

OP - on no account, would I give up a house I owned, for a rental! Have you read this for instance:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/aug/24/living-in-a-houseshare-council-flat

If he gets £250 a month why are you paying for everything? Could you set up a standing order for £150-£200 to cover contributions and travel to his GF?

I think your first priority needs to be financial, making sure you and he are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

Next you need to look at support towards independence/not living with family. You’re getting older and it’s not a fair or long term plan to expect DD to do full care.

This.

Where would this “ independent adult “ be if his mother didn’t feed, clothe, house and care for him ?

No doubt someone will be along to suggest that he gets a well paid job and a council flat. oh and a love in housekeeper .

So perhaps my ex could do that?

But he won't do it because it would, in his profession, be seen as neglect.

How is it neglect to support an adult to move towards some form of independence?

If there is a chance that your son could live independently of you in supported accommodation then you absolutely owe it to him to give him that chance. I'm surprised that you didn't know that this may be an option.
His dad is a tosser, I don't disagree there, but you need to advocate for your son to gain independence as he's now an adult. I wish you luck

I wouldn't be living in a rental.

I do have family who will happily have me live with them.

Unfortunately, while I don’t think you are being unreasonable to expect that your ex contributes, he’s not legally obliged to do so. It also has to be said, that neither are you. The fact that you DO, and do so much for your son, shows what a great mum you are. It sounds as if you really need to find some way of getting some respite. Does your son have a relationship with his father? Could you ask him whether he’d be prepared to take him in/ take over his care, for a couple of weeks so you can have a break? Partly so you CAN have a break, but also for him to get a better understanding of what you do, day in and day out, for your son.

Because they are all high earners.

They really do expect the wives to take up the slack, plus the ex wives.

@placemats it's not a question of your ds moving out into supported living versus you doing everything for him. He may be eligible for direct payments for a PA who would provide individual support for him living at home meaning you have some more flexibility.

The amount of money they earn has nothing to do with supporting an adult to move towards independence.

I understand this is from a place of perceived injustice but you can’t pass that to your dds and others to pick up the slack.

It’s too much of a burden for them when their lives are moving forward.

It is better to get more sustainable solutions for the long term

Is your son getting everything he is entitled to? If he is unable to work due to his disability he can apply for

Basic Universal Credit - £265.31
And the limited capability for work and work related activity - £354.28

This is in addition to the PIP.

He will have to apply for the limited capability for work element. And then will have to appeal as they usually refuse the first application.

Citizens Advice can support with the appeal.