My ex is stopping money for his now 'independent' autistic son.

[placemats]

Bit of a mix here, but I know that if it was posted on AIBU, I would get roasted.

So my ex is now stopping payment for my autistic son because he's 21 and of an age of independence. The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner.

He's got a one off child payment which amounts to £2,500 now he's 21 because of a child savings we set up when he was born - obviously it was a post university account but our son didn't go to university. He lives with me, I support him day to day. The household has an income of no more than £10,000 a year, but I do own the house. Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year.

I just feel this is unjust and he should pay until our son is fully living an independent life. Am I being unreasonable to request that he keep the not very substantial monthly contribution on? I find it most egregious given the cost of living crisis.

How good is your relationship with your ex? Can you explain the situation? How about suggesting he moves in with ex?

If DS is not able to live independently then PIP points should mean he has a decent income. Particularly if he doesn’t spend very much.

Also, if being DS’s carer means your income is so low, could you contact adult social
care to help arrange for actual carers to be employed so you can go out to work a few days a week (as a start) to help increase your earning capacity and to reduce the burden on you?

It is impossible to say what is fair without knowing the full situation. You say you own a house outright, did you ex leave you the house as a part of divorce settlement instead of splitting it 50-50? Why is your income only 10k? Does your son's disability prevents you from working, I. E. He can't be left unattended?
If your son is that disabled he should be entitled to a significant level of support.

I get where you’re coming from. Your son is still dependent on you, dependent on you to supply transport, emotional support and practical support I.e you’re doing all the work. Would it hurt your ex to make a monthly contribution for your son that could pay for a cleaner, or someone to do the ironing or pay for taxis for him —- probably not, but men like to see a finish date for child support ime.

I’m just a few years older than you and there’s no way I could physically do what you’re doing so I think you have to think more about yourself now. Could your son live in supported lodgings or a supervised flat? If that’s not achievable have you looked at specialist care homes?

Sadly, I can’t think of a way to persuade your ex to pay unless you now say ok have it your way, the next x number of years are yours as his carer.

@SpinningFloppa

The OP’s ex isn’t good for just doing the basics, it’s just that yours is shite - I am very sorry that’s the case, but male parents don’t deserve a pat on the head for doing what they should do.

OP - given your son is 21, do you think he’ll ever be independent - or do you mean you move into assisted living? If you are hoping to sell then I assume it’s assisted living you are hoping for.

I think you need to go to your ex with a clear plan, and yes he should be contributing and helping your son find somewhere to live.

I don’t think you should be driving your son hundreds of miles to see his partner. It’s very nice of you but there are limits.

It most certainly isn't.

Your ex is a twat. No loving parent would stop supporting their disabled child just because they hit adulthood if they have no realistic means of ever providing for themselves!

However, since he's a cunt you are going to have to try your best without him. Check he is claiming everything he's entitled to. I have 2 sons, both autistic. One of them will never live independently. He lacks capacity in both finance and personal care needs (in the legal sense. He has had assessments) He will always need 1:1 support and 2:1 at times when he is especially agitated and when we can no longer care for him he will need to move to a group home.

If this sounds like your son then the following is what my son gets and you should help him apply.

He gets enhanced rate pip for both daily living and mobility for 'an ongoing period'. This happens when the person is so clearly not going to ever have fewer needs that there is no point doing any more than checking in every ten years or so.

That is just under £630 every 4 weeks.
He also gets universal credit of about £620 pcm.
Works out about £1300 pcm for him.

Additionally, he gets direct payments to fund a personal assistant/PBS specialist two full days a week.

The other option for you if your son will never have capacity and you cannot afford this is to talk to his social worker and tell them that he needs to move to a group home now that he is an adult, adult services have a duty of care.

Ex has a household income that is above £100,000 a year. is that his income. You have to ignore anyone else in thr household, they are not responsible for your son.

I agree he should be contributing. He doesn't legally have to but he clearly has no intention of caring for your son himself.

Perhaps OP isn’t claiming everything her son is entitled to?

Obviously this won’t apply to everyone but we have a young person with additional needs in our family and he is entitled to and receives significant benefits and support.

It’s difficult to comment any further when we don’t know how much additional support OP’s son needs, though given that he’s able to hold down an adult relationship would suggest to me that he is independent to some degree.

Even if your son is entitled to benefits etc, I think it’s a pretty cold and callous man that COULD afford to contribute to making your sons life more comfortable, but chooses not to because legally he’s allowed to opt out now.

He’s a dick

Not every disabled person can claim pip. It's not income either and for many of us, being disabled is expensive.

I did suggest this but he has a new family now and it simply doesn't fit in with his current lifestyle.

I agree that the ex sounds like a bit of a dick, however DS is 21, surely it would be better to get the finances sorted now and see if there’s anything extra. What happened if your ex died, can you make up the income? Will it have a significant impact on your DS’ standard of living? I think it’s worth looking at because you need to prepare your DS for a time when you are totally unable to help him in the way you currently are.

Fascinated to hear the "let him eat benefits" argument from so many. I assume you all abandon any support for your DC when they hit 21 even if you can easily afford a bit of help now and again?

Some people seem to have a wildly unrealistic notion of what people have to live on if they are dependent on benefits and carers allowances.

Your son could take him to court under one of the children's act sections I forget which one, if your ex is not in agreement going forwards. I think you can do this up to the age of 24. You could get some legal advice. If your son claims PIP then he is entitled to legal aid. It's hard carrying all this by yourself OP your ex is disgusting.

I agree @itsjustnotok

Think it might be better for me to sell the house, give the down payment for a rental, his sister and her partner can live with him and for me to just do what I want to do. I honestly want to leave a legacy, but of course that isn't going to happen. My home is my legacy. I owe it to myself.

He would be well taken care of with his sister and her partner.

But it would be a benefit home, rent paid for through benefits and all the while his father is a high income earner.

Confused as to why it is his sister’s responsibility. He’s 21. What is he capable of? If you sold your house and have a deposit on a rental who would pay the rent? Who is this Partner of his 100s of miles away?

Please don’t sell your home to provide for your ds. Idk what the rules are for HA or assisted living but for normal rentals, you only need a week’s rent these days, which is paid into an insurance policy, in lieu of the much larger rental deposit.

Can you talk to your ex about giving your ds a chunk of cash to set him up?

Son should live with Dad.

"The reality is he still needs me to cook a hot meal for him, get him to appointments and travel hundreds of miles to see his partner."

Why should his sister and her partner take this on? What if that arrangement breaks down?

You should perhaps be looking at ways for your son to achieve more real, lasting independence, perhaps in a supported setting (I know they are not easily available)

What’s the £250 a month spending money he doesn’t spend? What is he able to do for himself? Would his sister do for him what you’ve done for him?

*Does your son's disability prevents you from working, I. E. He can't be left unattended?

If your son is that disabled he should be entitled to a significant level of support*

I think this is key. We don’t know how dependent he is- although if he is in an adult relationship that o/p terms “partner”, indicating more serious than a girlfriend- that doesn’t fit with living a completely dependent life.

o/p does seem to have missed out information, he may live in a listed house and his household income may be high, but is he a high earner or has he moved in with a new partner who owns the house and has a high income?

if DS moves in with his dad o/p will lose all her benefits so that may be counterproductive. She’ll need to get a job- and if the dh does have a high household income someone will need to give up work to accommodate his needs. And by o/p’s own stance she should be contributing financially. Overall a loss.

so how dependent is he o/p? He can hold down a relationship, what about a job?

Me too - why on earth should his sister and her parent have to take on this caring role?

There seems to be a lot of information missing here.

It’s not a race to the bottom though!

comparing every father to a deadbeat dad doesn’t mean every father is fantastic!

I understand that this is a really difficult situation but it's not his sister's responsibility. What would happen when her and her partner want their own house?