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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DIL stepping back from us

310 replies

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:24

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

OP posts:
Chattycathydoll · 16/09/2022 12:26

She might just be working.

It might not be helped by you saying she is ‘working’. When I wfh I couldn’t entertain guests because… I’m working.

titchy · 16/09/2022 12:26

Why did you put 'working from home' in quote marks? Do you not think she is working from home?

Original poster
redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:28

I say 'working' because when she is not on calls she surely could come and say hi. She isn't always on calls.She has a job I do not understand so maybe not but as I say I think it's rude.

OP posts:
Chailatteplease · 16/09/2022 12:28

I would talk to her. Most issues are caused by lack of communication.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/09/2022 12:30

Why would you visit someone at their home during their working hours? Unless you are visiting your son who isn't working on that day - in which case why does she need to step away from her job to entertain you?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 16/09/2022 12:30

How does she interact on the evenings she is working on the visits?

Blueberrywitch · 16/09/2022 12:31

It seems strange to me that you’re visiting during the week when she is working from home? I don’t think someone needing their space is anything to worry about. Maybe chat to her about when she’d prefer to see you and make sure everyone is enjoying these visits!

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 16/09/2022 12:31

And are they visiting you or you visiting them?

Original poster
redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:32

This is when tehy visit us. Sometimes they will come down for a weekend visit on a Thursday as my son would rather drive down on a thursday. so they are 'working' on Friday from our home. She interacts when day is finished.

This isn't just about the working.

OP posts:
FlipFlops4Me · 16/09/2022 12:32

When I was wfh the level of focus and concentration required meant that no, I couldn't just pop into another room to say hello to someone (who would probably have wanted me to stay for 5 minutes or so). I'd have totally lost my concentration and rather than fuck up a series of spreadsheets I'd have to waste another 10 minutes getting myself back up to speed.

So maybe your DIL actually can't spare 15 minutes or so?

WhenDovesFly · 16/09/2022 12:32

Just because she's not on calls all the time it doesn't mean she's not working. My FIL used to drop in and expect me to be there to make him coffees and chat endlessly, but I had work to do that was computer based. Also, if I left my computer for too long, the status on Instant Messenger would switch to 'Away' and colleagues would know I was not at my desk. Only a percentage of my day was taken up on calls. You are v v unreasonable to think she can just take time away to entertain you.

What was the reason for your eldest son splitting with his wife? If he was at fault but you've sided with him anyway, then I can get a good idea why this fiancee doesn't want a close relationship with you.

Velvian · 16/09/2022 12:32

If she's WFH she probably can't step away from the desk, she is probably covering a phone line for an organisation. It is not rude. She may find it rude that you regularly disturb her at work.

I found it sensible to take a step back from my ILs when I saw how they treated my ex SIL. I think this could be a reflection of your behaviour to your former DIL.

Tierne · 16/09/2022 12:33

She doesn't owe you anything. What does "it got messy" mean?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/09/2022 12:34

If one of your sons was working from home, would you feel exactly the same way about how much they should interact whilst at work?

Hbh17 · 16/09/2022 12:34

I suspect there is another side to this, as there usually is.
Sounds like far too much "visiting", for a start off.

Original poster
redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:35

they split and his ex wife was convinced he was cheating. I don't believe he was.

OP posts:
Tierne · 16/09/2022 12:37

Yes your darling boy was probably only "cheating" 🙄

Original poster
redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/09/2022 12:37

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/09/2022 12:37

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Tierne · 16/09/2022 12:37

And what "work" do you do, OP?

Original poster
redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:38

I don't believe he was. Isn't it in a mother's nature to believe their children?

OP posts:
bbcdefg · 16/09/2022 12:38

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:37

@arethereanyleftatall my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'. SHe finds it easy enough to stop working if she has to go to an appointment my son tells me.

So my job isn't a proper job because I work from home?

heldinadream · 16/09/2022 12:38

Reversey McReverseshit!

yonce · 16/09/2022 12:38

On the "working" bit - you don't have to be on calls to be working, if she's working she is working and can't entertain. It hardly sounds like she's stepping back if they're coming to your house overnight on Thursdays?! Of course she can stop "working" for an appointment, she probably makes the time up later. Working from home is a proper job - sitting with you for a brew and a gossip isn't 😂

If your sons are insulting or being rude to her husband, of course she will stand up for him, they're married. If your eldest son got divorced as he was cheating on his wife (I'm sure in mummy's eyes he didn't 👀) and they were friendly I can imagine her not wanting to be best friends with him!

Tbh your OP post (and further ones) sound like a MIL from hell - if they have children she won't be making your son distant from his family - you'll be doing that with your attitude.