DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

She wants to talk to her because she feels she is pulling away and making excuses not to see her how hard is that to understand

You obviously have not read the thread properly the daughter-in-law goes to work from home when she visits the mother-in-law Which is stupid and rude

I’ve only read your posts op.

it’s common sense that a mother takes the side of her child - and even if the mother acknowledges her child was wrong it doesn’t mean she will abandon that child or fall out with him and go and align herself with his ex wife!

this means trouble on the cards for me because I will be responding by standing by my children in future splits but of course delivering a piece of my mind in the situation if they didn’t act properly

op unfortunately you have come on to a board full of daughter in laws many who don’t get along with their MiL so you should have realised you’d get flamed

I have worked from my in law's house. I stay in my office, they bring me drinks and food at lunchtime, a snack in the afternoon. I don't interact. I will say thank you but not stop to chat. I'm working.

I think this is probably the problem. She now knows that she isn't really family, and that you would drop her like a hot potato if they split.

I’ve worked from him when visiting people before. It means that I can travel earlier. No one has ever thought they could interrupt my work, that’s so weird.

Thing is she doesn’t owe you a close relationship, assuming she has her own mother for that. She’s also allowed to be friends with the ex. Maybe she’s pulling away because she’s realized she doesn’t like you all that much? It’s not unusual. It was the opposite for me, I pulled away from my mother in law at first because I come from a toxic family and didn’t know how to navigate the relationship. Now I realize she’s just a lovely woman who wants to spend time with me.

The secret of being a good mother in law starts with letting her use ur house for work (as u allow ur son) and treat her as part of the family.
that means everyone has flaws and makes mistakes and u accept them but don’t automatically make anyone that’s ur son guilty

"She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it".

Why would you allow toxicity to grow between siblings? I can assure you that there is a lot of harm in you doing this.

OP,

I am in my late 50's and from reading your situation it reminds me of something similar that happened my friend years ago.

Her husband's brother behaved badly, had an affair and his marriage broke up.

My friend was appalled at her in laws and how they moved forward, supporting their son and his new partner, whilst making no effort whatsoever with their ex daughter in law and their grandchildren.

My friend said it was a huge wake up call for her.

She actively supported her sister in law, whom she wasn't very close to up to that point, and she pulled back MASSIVELY from her inlaws.

She told her husband that the ease with which they had abandoned their previously lovely DIL was not something she would EVER forget.

She told me that she hadn't a notion of running around after them going forward.

She still remained polite and respectful and kind, but she really no longer intended to invest in the relationship.

Her ex sister in law remarried within a couple of years and moved a small distance away with her children who didn't see their grandparent's more than once or twice a year and 15 years later they are not close.

Her sons new wife never had children.

My friend has left things completely in her husbands hands since and never got involved in their elder care.

You have shown your daughter who you are.

That is, a woman who would support a sons poor behaviour ahead of the woman he married.

She does not like what you have done.
She no longer respects you.

You have shown her how you might behave if it happened to her.

Like my friend she has decided to pull away and no longer invest in the relationship.

In your place, a good woman would reach out to her ex DIL and explain that whilst you love your son, you do NOT support his behaviour.
That you want to support her in any way you can.

If you don't do this, and your future DIL was MY daughter, I would be very unimpressed with you as her prospective in laws.

I would be very disappointed at my child marrying into such a family and I would advise caution.

It sounds like your DIL is a bright woman.

YOU have shown her who YOU are, by your behaviour, and she doesn't like what she sees.

You need to focus on YOUR behaviour and your unswerving support for your precious son, and how that looks to others, if he has infact behaved very poorly.

Stop focusing on her and start looking at yourself and what she sees.

If you don't, YOU will be the loser in this situation.

Goid luck.

No, you are the one who needs to read the story - the DiL has to WFH at the MiL's house solely because the son wants to travel on Thursday night.

If I were the DiL in this fiction I'd simply stop going, thereby saving the MiL from being offended by my being busy at work.

Oh and your son also behaves poorly towards her fiancé?

IF she marries him, I suspect you will see VERY little of them, and any children they have going forward.

She will simply not wish to be around you or your other son.

You will be someone she does a duty visit to once or twice a year.

As his wife she will not tolerate her BIL's behaviour and you condoning it.

OP I only read first page of comments but you seem to be getting a bit of a roasting! The “working” comment seems to have been jumped on when your issue looks to be bigger than that. My only advice is try and talk to her, sometimes clearing the air is all it takes.

No it’s not. I do it. Most colleagues and friends do it. Travel to parents on a Thursday night, work on Friday and then have Friday night with the family rather than travelling then. Means you get more time.

Also restricting visits to when you can take leave would mean less visits which would probably annoy this MIL more as she will say she is not seeing as much of her precious boy

Oh op. What you are telling her is she’s only ever going to be ‘provisional family’, someone that can be ditched at a moments notice. I have one married brother. If he cheated on his wife, He’d still be my brother but I’d be calling her n him, saying if there’s anything I can do to help and I’m here for you, and it’s been 20 years you will always be family, I’m sorry he’s a douche.

i work from home, in finance. I’m at work whether I’m on a call or not and if you looked like you didn’t believe that I’d think you were pretty stupid to be honest, it doesn’t seem complicated. When you do an online form on the computer eg apply for a credit card/ something about your pension / even just the grocery shopping, it’s doing something whether or not you are talking to someone on the phone. It doesn’t seem hard to understand at all. We all need to get to appts at various times, and would have to do that even if we were at the office. Going to an appt doesn’t change whether you are working or not. She does not have to feel or be tolerant at all of your inability to comprehend this, that’s on you not her.

However wrong OP might be, this thread has become poisonously spiteful and aggressive.

There are many posters here who have come across as awful people themselves. I really hope that OP left reasonably early in the thread. No-one deserves this.

You were doing quite well until this point. You over-egged the pudding. 3/10.

I've read up to page 4 and im not sure if this is a real post? I was wondering how old are you OP? Because your attitude sounds very old fashioned. I have 7 dc and most are with a partner guess what I treat them all the same like they are all my dc. I dont take sides because hey I wasn't there so im only hearing from their point of view. I wouldn't think bad stuff about them if they are working and I don't understand what they are doing. If one of my sons was cheating on their partner I wouldn't take sides it doesn't mean I dont love my son it would be because its wrong and hurtful

So if you ‘wfh’, that isn’t a proper job? I can probably work out why DIL is distancing herself if this kind of attitude is how you’re like with other stuff.

Hi there OP

I have no suggestions, but have a thought on the working from home situation

Sounds like your DIL is a contentious employee IMO

My PIL chose to visit during a weekday when I was working from home , and I found it annoying to be honest, and a tad unthoughtful of my situation.

Employers want employees to have a quiet space to work from or they do not allow WFH. Additional background noise of conversation, moving around, doors opening and closing etc is pretty annoying and can jeopardise a job

I would not visit a house during someones working hours

Not your decision to make on someone else’s behalf. Your family is hers by marriage (and tbh I don’t agree with you anyway) and she is entitled to be friends with and support your ex-DIL. Your ideas totally lack objectivity or nuance.

I’m sorry but you are very wrong here. Your eldest is not her family. She is allowed to disapproved of his actions. You may not believe his ex but she (her friend) clearly does and she rightly wants to support her. She doesn’t owe your ds anything.

Also, after the first lockdown my dpil took to visiting us during working hours simply because we were home. At first I accommodated them but that meant me then having to spend two or three hours in the evenings catching up on all of the work I’d missed entertaining them in the garden. Dh was no help so I told him in no uncertain terms that if they couldn’t go back to visiting on weekends (as they always had previously when we were at the office) then he would have to deal with them alone because I was busy working (actually working, not ‘working’) and I didn’t want to lose my evenings because they preferred not driving at the weekend. I stick to my guns and would nip in to say hello then go back to work.

Ar first they had a clear lack of respect for my job and similar nasty attitude to you - lots of digs about how busy ‘poor’ dh was but he always has time for family - but that was their problem, not mine. Anyway dh clearly didn’t look after them as well as I do as after a few weeks, they went back to visiting at the weekend. They thankfully haven’t asked to visit midweek since.

So very well said, 100% agree with your point of view.

I haven't read the full thread but you could start by not pestering her at home when she is working. Would you go to someone's office for a social visit when they are at work? It's no different.

The daughter in law is the one who goes to the OPs house and WFH there. For reasons that become apparent if you actually DO read the whole thread.

At last read all the OP's posts then. There's a handy 'see all' button below the OP to make it easy