DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

No I didn't mean it like that. Injust don't understand their jobs. My husband was a brickie and one of my other sons is. Their jobs are not ones I learned about at school so I don't understand them is all I mean, but they're very good jobs and I am very proud of them.

another reverse?

I am not mother in law from hell, I am very good to her. Not overbearing. Thats why I'm so sad about this feeling of her pulling away. Maybe I will have to talk to her or my son about it.

Talk to her about what exactly?

I can't see what she has done wrong?

sorry not a reverse, I haven't explained things very well

Wow, you sound a bit ridiculous the way you describe the others jobs as “proper jobs” vs “this ‘working from home’”. Very patronising. I suspect she may well be pulling away, but that it is probably for good reason.

So you dont work then.

It's rude of you to go to her house when she's working. Would you turn up at her office and expect her to greet you?
Being flexible around appointments is different again, she's probably blocked out her diary.
You sound a bit over involved with your children's lives with a dose of selective objectivity thrown in.
Supporting your kids is one thing, turning a blind eye to poor behaviour though is a bit of a cop out.

Errrr, I hope this is a reverse. Certainly sounds like it.

You are unreasonable not to accept that her working day is her working day. You wouldn't turn up to her office and expect her to leave what she's doing. And I'm not sure why you think someone is only 'working' and focused on what they're being paid for when they're on a call.

How can you improve things? It's hard to say without knowing exactly what transpired between you after the other brother's split. Yes, of course you'll be biased towards your son, but it's also okay to listen to and try to understand the other partner's issue, as not bad mouth them.

My MIL earned my undying respect and love, by treating me with her natural warmth and kindness. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone, and she was absolutely accepting of me and my decisions. I'm sure I wasn't the perfect DIL, especially in the early years. I was very introverted and would spend a fair bit of time reading in the bedroom when we stayed with them. Looking back they must have found that very odd, as it absolutely wasn't how they would ever be. But if she thought less of me for it she never showed it.

So yes, communicate warmly and with acceptance. And if there's anything to do with the ex that you should apologise for, or at least express regret about to the DIL, do so, and without caveats.

Maybe she's concerned that you automatically decided your other son wasn't cheating and took his side no matter what, and she finds that unsettling. It doesn't sound great, I think parents shouldn't blindly believe their children.

You clearly don't believe that people who work from home are really working, or that they have proper jobs. If your DIL senses that I fully understand why she's pulling back a bit. I WFH and am full on at work all day. Of course she can stop working for an appointment - that's what people have to do (even brickies stop for doctors appts I'm sure!). Would you turn up at a building site and expect work to stop so you can have a chat? Your DIL work is no different to that.

At a guess, it sounds like you're from the generation who suffer enormously from internalised misogyny. Caused from growing up in a patriarchy. This will come across, I'm afraid, even if you don't intend it to, and she will despise you for it.

Given your subsequent posts, she possibly isn't working, but hiding.

I not exactly sure what she’s doing wrong re the working.
You say yourself you don’t understand what she does. Treat it as her being out of the house in working hours and don’t have any expectations on her during her work hours.
But she may have realised on the back of the split between your other son and his wife that she isn’t family and her sons will always come first.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn this is what I think is the problem. but surely she should never have really thought my sons wouldn't?

i would love to hear this from her point of view.
MIL says I don’t have a “proper job”
Turns up at my house when I’m busy then gets difficult when I don’t interact.

I understand I am reading the working wrong, thanks for pointing that out. I will worry less about that.

You sound patronising, belittling, and as t

I always find it annoying when parents fail to see that their children can make mistakes or do things that hurt other people.

My eldest son cheated on his girlfriend and behaved appallingly. I was very disappointed in his behaviour and we fell out for a short while (weeks). He denied the cheating for the most part but evidence on social media meant he had to admit it.

It is incredibly painful for the wronged partner to be basically called a liar by their ex's parents. Your other son's fiancee is obviously supporting your ex DIL, and also, no doubt, finds your attitude upsetting. She probably feels that if anything were to happen between her and your son that you would also blindly believe him and take against her. Therefore, she will view you indifferently now. She can see that, really you don't see her as someone you can support, as you don't support the ex DIL.

I am still friends with my son's ex and these days, he is also on speaking terms with her and they are both getting on with their lives in a grown up manner. She is welcome here anytime, although it is taking, understandably, her parents a bit longer to reconcile with him.

So, your son & DIL come to see you and she wfh at your house? If I were DIL, I'd solve the problem of you being put out that's she can't just drop everything to chat to you when she should be working...by just staying at her own house and working.
Poor woman. I'm sure you would be pissy with her if she wasn't working and expecting your son to provide for her.

Though you've given your sons a god complex because mummy will always believe them.

No wonder she stepped back.

I think your son was most likely cheating if his wife thought he was. Do they have children?

Speaking respectfully of your son's ex wife will go a long way with your other DIL. If she and your son have children, that is even more important.

Some people are able to work from home. At those times, they are paid to work, not socialise with in laws. Yes, they are allowed time off for appointments, as they will have cleared it with their manager. But that still does not mean they can take time out to socialise with in laws. These appointments with be essential things. Socialising is not essential and can be done later, which you have already said she does.
You may not mean to, but are coming across as very snippy. If you are not careful, they will be distancing themselves far more.
Just be nice, pleasant, kind. No undertones of being neglected because she has to work when under your roof.
And it's work, not 'work'.

And the best advice I could give is to keep reading here about MIL issues, so you know how not to behave.

I don’t know. My mum supported my SIL ahead of my brother when they split as his behaviour caused it. They’re back together and she has a lovely relationship with both of them. But there are kids involved. She is also in contact with his first way and eldest son and he is not.
I also think I’ll maintain a relationship with my MIL if I split from her son for the sake of the kids.

I couldn't fall out with my sons for weeks no matter what happened. I want them to know they always have me. Surely people understand that whatevery happened between my son and his ex its none of my business and shouldn't be any of hers, she's invilved herself and I think thats caused nastiness.