DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

Do you work, as you don't seem to understand that working from home means that your DIL will be logged onto her laptop, whether or not she's on calls! Her company may be monitoring her usage to ensure she's actually working, so she can't be distracted by you all the time. Youre lucky they can come over to stay regularly around their working day. You sound very needy.

Also if your son cheated on his wife and your DIL was good friends with her, then I too would also be distancing myself from you if you support your cheating son and have cut off his exwife.

my other sons do proper jobs out of the house. only she and my middle son can do this 'working from home'

That is really bitchy!

You stood by your son when he was cheating on his wife (your daughter in laws view of it). I suspect she has been reminded that even though you enjoyed a good relationship before, you are the mother in law and if the same thing were to happen to her, she would not be supported by you.

Not saying you're wrong either, it's your son, she's just seeing her position in your family differently now I think.

I think it’s fairly obvious why she’s pulling back. You don’t think she has a proper job, you visit in the middle of the work day and you think your sons can do no wrong. I know someone exactly like you and she’s unbearable to be around. Thinks the light shines out of her sons’ arses and no girl is good enough for them.

You don’t have to fall out with them but you don’t have to take sides either? Were there kids involved?

Oh come on OP 😂 I had sympathy but you’ve lost it now.
My sons will always have my loyalty, but it would be naive to blindly believe everything they say just because they’re my sons 🤦‍♀️

Bloody hell OP I was CONVINCED this was a reverse! Can you really not see how badly you're behaving towards her?

OP, when DIL is working from home she is not "working", she is working.

What you are doing when you expect her to leave her desk to come and host you is the same as if you were to show up at her office during working hours and expect her to come and make chit chat with you. She is at risk of getting in trouble with seniors, as a lot of companies can monitor their employee's activity while working from home. Why do you feel so entitled to her time during her working hours? Is it because you feel she hasn't got a "proper job"?

I couldn't fall out with my sons for weeks no matter what happened

Really. So even if they were found guilty of violent murder, you'd still be there wiping your tears away going "poor love, hes not a bad boy our Jason"?

Btw as an unemployed person you dont get to make judgment calls on the value of other peoples work

no kids no

You sound very confused. On one hand you can go online, use a search engine, set up an account on Mn and post a thread about your DIL .

Yet you don’t understand how someone can work from home using the telephone, computers and the internet.

You clearly parent differently to me. I will ALWAYS have my dc back if they are in the right, I will fight tooth and nail for them. Simultaneously, it's my job as a parent to help them see if they're the ones in the wrong.
They do not have my carte Blanche support regardless of their actions.

If she's coming down after she's finished and interacting normally, then there is no problem. When she's working, she's working. When she has appointments, she has appointments and as someone else has pointed out, anyone would have to book time off for appointments. All normal. You are imagining she's hiding from you, but it doesn't sound like it from what you've described. Just because you didn't learn about her job at school doesn't mean you can educate yourself about it now.

With regards to the ex, I doubt she'd invent cheating. There's a difference between supporting your son and blind faith. Also between supporting your son and being unkind to or about someone else. I also doubt she's trying to turn your DIL against you, or that she would be successful if there weren't other issues. You say her issues with your other son are about how he treats her H. Why don't you listen to those issues?

She hasn't involved herself any more than you have - by blindly backing your son you've involved yourself and basically stuck two fingers up at his ex wife. If she was already friendly with the wife, of course she's naturally involved in the situation.

You've got issues that are your internalised issues, your DIL isn't doing anything wrong. You will push her away is this thread and your responses are anything to go by.

You're being SO unreasonable to assume that someone who is working from home should stop their work and come downstairs to entertain guests who presumably she didn't invite considering she's working? This is her job, you need to be more respectful.

And well, she sounds like she's friends with your son's ex and is standing by her friend. Nothing wrong with that, at all. Just like how it's also fine for YOU to choose to take your son's side. It's literally no different. If your son did something shitty to his ex and you took her son's side, she might be feeling a bit wary of getting close to you because MILs who do this sort of show the other DILs that they're not really valued members of the family and are disposable.

I think you're making a bit of an issue out of nothing.

you took YOUR son's side, sorry. Not HER son's side. Oops!

So you only think manual jobs are real and don't understand what part of a job could be working when not on the phone? And you seriously believe your eldest didn't cheat? Or don't care what your sons do as they are boys so should be in charge?
You think the problem is her getting involved with your family but at the same time it is her not being involved and pulling back? She sounds very tolerant, most dil don't do overnight visits to pil often if at all.

My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family?

It sounds like she is friends with the ex, rather than ‘influenced’ by her! If your close friend had a husband that cheated on her, how would you respond? Would you still see and support her? She doesn’t have to stop being friends with her just because it doesn’t suit you.

I expect if you carry on defending cheating family members and acting like your daughter in law doesn’t have a proper job, she will want to have nothing to do with you in future! That would be very sad for your relationship with any future children. How much does that matter to you?

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

I sincerely hope OP is on a wind up. "Working from home", proper jobs?

Just in case you're not, stop belittling your DIL's work. Why are you turning up for visits during the working day?

As to whether your other son was cheating, who knows, but I suspect his ex has a better idea than you do. Either way, I'd discourage you from making it a bone of contention with DIL. You are allowed to love and support your son even if he might have acted badly- in fact, I hope you will. That's not the same as sticking your head in the sand.

There, right there, is your problem. You don’t understand her job so you belittle her and it. If she sees half of what you have posted here, quite frankly you are lucky they ever visit.

She is AT WORK.
You expecting her attention when she is 'working from home' is exactly the same as you storming into her office (if she had a 'proper' job) demanding the same.
No-one can be this thick, surely. So I wouldn't be surprised if this is a reverse, as pps have said.

The work thing was just supposed to be an example of how things have changed,

OP, you are the problem. It’s very clear just by reading your posts. You obviously don’t see it this way, it’s very common for a toxic MIL to not find fault in her own behaviour so I suspect that yes, if they do have children, you will probably see her wanting to pull back even more. I don’t blame her at all.

everyone thinks I'm in the wrong and I can't say the full story but I get that maybe I need to think about this. Don't want her to feel like this.