DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

Omg how did I not know that?? 🤯
I’ve wasted hours of my life scrolling through these threads for updates 🙈😂😂😂

Not on the app their isnt

There's a different way to do it on the app. But I don't use it so can't advise. Maybe someone else will?

To read all posts from OP on the app you just press the bottom at the top right of the thread that looks sort of like a funnel, then select OP's name.

You can't filter by other users unless a premium user but anyone can filter to see all OP's posts

I’d say there’s a couple of things going on here. You set her very high standards and expect her to treat all of you as family but you’ve exhibited exactly the opposite to your other DIL(when she got hurt, you dropped her, there was no sticking by family). I’d imagine as you spoke to your son about her seemingly being able to go to appointment at a moments notice, that she has seen that you are trying to divide her and her husband too, so she likely is keeping you at arms length. If you are speaking about her behind her back to her husband, I would expect she’d distant her future kids from you, as no one wants to be bad mouthed to their kids.

There’s no smoke without fire, so if your other daughter in law suspected your other son was cheating, enough to leave him, she must have had cause. My mother didn’t blindly agree with me when I got divorced and my ex abused me. His mother didn’t blindly agree with him. Both our mothers stood by us but they called us out for what we’d done. I suggest you do the same, otherwise how will your sons grow and learn to be happy?

it sends a very uneasy message:
I want you to be close to me, because you’re family but if you break up with my son (regardless of what he’s done to you) I will drop you faster than a ton weight.

I think the work situation has been covered here: I work from home occasionally and it is a real job, it can involve high pressure and busy schedule. She may not be able to talk to you when she’s working. Appointments may be urgent and unavoidably scheduled for the work day.

I think you need to reevaluate your boundaries and expectations of others.

I'm chuckling to myself at the fact that the rest of the family have 'proper jobs' while those who work from home must not have 'proper jobs'. Do we think some people just luck out and manage to get 'work' where they stay at home but don't have to do anything? Ah wouldn't that just be grand 🤣

I've read all of OPs posts but not the rest so clearly others have picked up on this already but as someone who has worked from home - no quotes needed - for about 10 yrs now in incredibly demanding jobs there is nothing worse than people who think you have fewer responsibilities or a meaningless job just because you don't leave the house for work 🙄

Also almost undoubtedly other son was cheating and as DIL has seen how you protect your own without question, she has good reason to pull back

U Literally just said what I said

Classic nightmare MiL. If I was your DiL I wouldn't be 'stepping back' you wouldn't see me for dust.

I don't think OP is E V E R coming back. So either a troll or real and she did not get the answers she wanted to hear....! But to the DIL (if real) I say this. You go girl. And if your DH ever sides with MIL over you pulling back despite knowing why, drop him like a hot and mouldy potato, the mummies boy.