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Original poster

DIL stepping back from us

310 replies

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:24

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/09/2022 13:13

So you think that she shouldn't be friend's with your ex dil?

How does it affect you?

Does she bring her along to your family events?

bbcdefg · 16/09/2022 13:13

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:58

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

Wow. No.

saraclara · 16/09/2022 13:13

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:58

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

And this attitude is exactly where you're going wrong.
Your other son isn't her family. Or at least not at this early point in the relationship. And of course you don't abandon a friend whose relationship is falling apart. You should think less of her if she did to be honest.

I do trust you that you want to make her feel better, but you have to be less black and white about things. You're not prepared to see the other side of anything at the moment. Your son is whiter than white and this woman should give up her friendship now that she's 'joined the family'? You sound like the mafia..

eskappe · 16/09/2022 13:17

'Proper jobs working out of the house' - wow wow wow!

OopsAnotherOne · 16/09/2022 13:17

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore

In this statement, you've highlighted that your family is you and your sons. The wives of your sons aren't considered proper family, which is why you dropped your son's ex as soon as they broke up. I am not surprised that from this, your current DIL no longer sees you as consider her as family and has therefore, sensibly, taken a step back.

saraclara · 16/09/2022 13:19

she has twice criticised my sons

So she IS acting like family then! If she's family, she gets to be honest with them, because that's what 'siblings' do.

Or maybe you don't want her to be family then?
You seen really confused. You can't cherry pick and impose the responsibilities of family without the straight talking of family.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/09/2022 13:19

Work is work. It pays the bills. Chatting to you doesn't. Not all work is physical or calls, unless you think typists and secretaries etc don't work. Which says a lot about you, none of it nice.

Believing your son didn't cheat because he said so versus an ex wife who said he did and probably has proof says a lot about you, none of it good.

Saying family matters the most, over friends, when family has shown they aren't behaving well says a lot about you, none of it good.

No wonder dil is distancing herself. You aren't a nice person.

knittingaddict · 16/09/2022 13:20

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:38

I don't believe he was. Isn't it in a mother's nature to believe their children?

No not necessarily.

Cherry55 · 16/09/2022 13:20

This post makes me glad I don't have a MIL anymore. You are making my ex one, who was awful, look like a better. She took her cheating son's side now hardly sees her grandchildren because her own son can't be bothered with her and I was the one that facilitated all her visits.

She respected my "working from home" job though!

Careful of the bed you're making for yourself!

GreySeat · 16/09/2022 13:21

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:28

I say 'working' because when she is not on calls she surely could come and say hi. She isn't always on calls.She has a job I do not understand so maybe not but as I say I think it's rude.

Some people really can’t leave and come say hi, just like if you called into their office! FFS

OopsAnotherOne · 16/09/2022 13:22

I'm begging this is a reverse but on the chance it isn't, OP please listen to what people are saying. You state you don't consider your DIL to have a "proper job", and that she's "working" rather than working.
You have shown her with your actions that you don't consider DILs to be proper family and that you would not be supported by her if she and your son had trouble, or split up.
She is responding to your actions, her pulling away is caused by how you have made her feel.

Gotmynewshoes · 16/09/2022 13:22

Bookworm20 · 16/09/2022 13:11

Yes, all this.

You obviously want to defend your son. But the woman he cheated on was a friend of your other sons fiancee. And probably hearing you going on and on about how untrue it is and what a poor little lamb derek is for being accused of cheating, when lets face it, he probably did, has likely royally pissed her off.

She also sees how quickly you can turn your back on a family member not related by blood, blindly backing up your son simply because he is your son. Your view of not getting involved and letting them get on with it, fine. But you have totally outcast this other woman and she likely realises now that you would do the same in a heartbeat to her. You seem loyal only to your sons. Thats a very clear message she has received.

She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance)

So, she was backing up her fiance? I'd say that is a good quality, not a bad one! And backing him up because your mummys boy potential cheating son had upset HER fiance. So basically you are critisizing her for standing by her fiance because you can't hear a bad word about your other son's behaviour then. Do you have a favourite son by any chance, where the sun shines out of his arse and he can do no wrong, because it actually sounds like you might.

And as for her not coming down to chat with you when she is working. That is because she is actually working. She comes down when she finishes her working day. That is normal OP. And I expect your view of her not having a 'proper job' has also royally pissed her off.

I am not surprised she has stepped back from you. She can totally see what your opinion of her is, and can also see that you would be fully prepared to stab her in the back should your son do anything out of line - in the name of loyalty to your son. Just like the other poor girl it seems.

Show quote history

Very well said.

Matchstickcathedral · 16/09/2022 13:24

Hmm, I am a DIL who keeps her MIL in law at arms length. Very much influenced by the way I know she treated her ex DIL (who I knew as a friend before I ever “entered the family”)

With the things I was told, and the way she talked about the ex in front of me, I saw a side I really did not like and did not want to get to close to, despite the fact that she has always been really friendly to me to my face. Some of the things she said to my friend were vile and I won’t forget them (and it was her son who was actually the abusive one, so that made her stance even worse)

She has complained to my DH that I don’t like her. I just want to keep back, and I know that she can never turn on me because she doesn’t know me very well. I do all the polite things, even have them over on Christmas Day at times, but I am in a relationship with their son - who I love very much - so don’t see the need to get any closer to his mother when I don’t feel genuine affection for her.

Also (and I am not your DIL!) I have previously worked from home. It is the same as being at work, except you are doing it remotely.

ItsaMetalBand · 16/09/2022 13:24

She's seen the way that you dropped 'family' like hot shite the moment one of your darling boys fucked up.
She's aware that if her fiance ever does likewise, you'd do exactly the same to her. You've made that crystal clear.
So why the fuck should she invest in your relationship and play happy families when you've made it clear that your sons are blameless and their partners are disposable.

I'd be pulling back as well from you.

DeadButDelicious · 16/09/2022 13:24

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:58

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

Your ex daughter in law was married to your son, that makes her family. Maybe seeing how she was treated after the breakdown of her marriage has made your prospective DIL rethink just how close she wants to get to you seeing as when your former daughter in law, a family member,needed support you seemingly dropped her like a stone. Couple that with your dismissiveness of her job she has every right to withdraw. I'd look at your own behaviour before criticising hers.

LovePoppy · 16/09/2022 13:24

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:28

I say 'working' because when she is not on calls she surely could come and say hi. She isn't always on calls.She has a job I do not understand so maybe not but as I say I think it's rude.

You think its rude not to stop work to visit.

I think its even ruder to visit someone during working hours

MsRosley · 16/09/2022 13:25

redkitesatnight · 16/09/2022 12:35

they split and his ex wife was convinced he was cheating. I don't believe he was.

You also said "It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would." I am the mother of sons, and I can categorically assure you I would NOT stand by my son if he was acting callously or unreasonably. I am not surprised your DIL has drawn back from you if this is your stance because she quite rightly realises that you are never going to be supportive if problems arise in her own marriage.

TrashyPanda · 16/09/2022 13:25

Wow.

you sound like my exMIL, who told me her son was “very good to me”

the man who walked out on me when I was told I needed to have a hysterectomy.

i told her a few home truths and happily never heard from her again.

Bookworm20 · 16/09/2022 13:25

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore.

That statement right there.
That is why she is pulling away from you.
What you really mean is you and your sons are family. Everyone else will be thrown out for the slaughter if they dare to cross any of you. And she knows that means her too.

No wonder she has backed off.
And if your son backs off too, you only have yourself to blame.

Although we all know that you'd be 100% blaming her. And outcast she will be.

Coffeaddict · 16/09/2022 13:26

I'm really curious ad to what's on your list of 'proper jobs' I'm a lecturer at a university, did you learn about that one at school?
I see an accountant already posted. Other friends who work from home either occasionally or full time include solicitors, marketing executives, people working in IT, NHS dieticians. Are these proper jobs?

You sound like an old school misogynist.

And to answer your original question then yes you will most likely lose or have reduced access to your hypothetical future grandchildren. Change your view of your DIL now because if I were her I would want nothing to do with you and would not spend my time encouraging relationships with my children.

Pizzaatime · 16/09/2022 13:27

Your posts say everything about you OP. You sound like what my MIL was like, when I spoke to her about her sons treatment towards me, she simply didn’t want to know.

MintJulia · 16/09/2022 13:27

So they travel to you on a Thursday because your ds prefers not to drive on a Friday, but then she works all day Friday.

Just behave as if your dil was in her office. You wouldn't go and interrupt her day there. Her time literally belongs to someone else. So no she can't sit and chat etc. Just ignore her until 5.30 or whenever she turns off her Pc and work phone.

As for the thing about your other son, if she believes he was going behind his wife's back, she has every right to take a dim view. No, mums do not always back their children. If my ds was betraying his wife rather than ending it honestly, I'd be giving him a hard time and telling him to get it sorted immediately. I want to like my ds as well as love him, and would be hugely disappointed at the dishonesty.

OopsAnotherOne · 16/09/2022 13:31

Oh and another thing, OP. One time when DP and I had only been together for a year or so, I went to the pub with him and his mother. I was the "designated driver" so my DP and his mother could have a drink. When it was time to leave, my DP (who'd had a bit too much to drink) for a bit mean in the car, saying we'd ruined his night for making him leave early (baring in mind that we didn't consider 2am early, and we wanted to get home.
When we got home, I overheard his mother speaking to him in the hallway saying "I am disgusted with how you spoke to Oops, I didn't raise you to speak to girls like that and I sure as well won't tolerate it now, even if you're an adult". From that day on I had a whole new level of respect for my MIL, knowing she'd call out her son's bad behaviour if she saw it. I never let on that I'd heard their conversation but it's nice to know that she genuinely has my back, and I have hers too.

Womencanlift · 16/09/2022 13:33

I doubt the OP will come back. She thinks her and her boys are in the right and the only thing that matters and any incoming people need to step into line

If one of her precious boy then they can never be in the wrong and the partner will be thrown out to the wolves

What a horrible family for a partner to join. They will never feel part of it.

OP if your DIL posted she would be advised to do everything that she is doing - keep boundaries and be polite but that’s it. Don’t mess with the mamma bear

CousinKrispy · 16/09/2022 13:35

OP, different families have different dynamics, and different parents will make different choices.

I know how you feel, I think I'd stand by my daughter no matter what. But then I stop to think about it: does that REALLY mean no matter what? What if she actually did something terrible to her partner, child, sibling? I could still love my daughter while also being clear-sighted about the harm she's done to another, and offering sympathy and support to them. Not every family or parent operates on blind loyalty. Just because it's your way doesn't mean it's the only right way ... your DIL is entitled to have a different approach in life.

I think you and your DIL just need to respect each other's differing approaches on this. It sounds like she is doing this with you, as she hasn't been arguing with you about how you're wrong to stand by your son. It's not even clear that she's actually doing anything to put distance between you as the working from home example is invalid, as you've acknowledged by now. But it may be that she wants to avoid that topic of conversation with you ... and I think that's fair. Probably neither of you will change the others mind.