DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

Yep. As others have said, she now knows that you will never listen to her or believe her should anything go wrong in her relationship with her son. That you will always unquestioningly believe her to be wrong or malicious and your son to be perfect.

My MIL would never have done that. She adored her son, but she also recognised me as a person in my own right, who she respected and listened to. She knew that none of us was perfect, but she loved us anyway. I know that had DH and I ever split up, she'd have continued our relationship. I know that, because we talked about it (though there was never so much as a chink in the marriage).
And it was her attitude to me that made me REALLY be part of her family. And ten years after my DH's death, my in laws are still my family.

OopsAnotherOne that is a great story about your MIL!

The OP sounds like the mother from Bread - her darling boys can do no wrong.

If my son was cheating on his wife I'd give him an earful. He's my son, I will always love him but if he's in the wrong I expect him to acknowledge that and make amends. I wouldn't blindly support him as he shags around.

The DIL sounds like a supportive partner and friend. Not surprised she's pulled back a bit emotionally, having seen how the OP treated her other DIL.

I'm bemused to know that MILs like this still exist. I thought you only found them in museums these days.

You are so unreasonable. Have a word with yourself. Those of us working from home also have proper jobs. Jesus Christ, how patronising can you be?

FYI, any appointments she may have will be more important than saying hello to you during her actual, proper working day.

With all due respect OP, you really need to calm the fuck down.

You sound incredibly controlling and patronising. This behaviour from you is only going to push her away and make her resent you.

You don’t understand her job, fair enough, but that doesn’t mean she has to come away from her laptop and phone to come and speak to you. Just because she is WFH does not mean she can Sean about and make conversation when she likes. Respect that she is working. You wouldn’t go into someone’s office in the city centre and demand them to come away from their desk just to say hello to you or have a quick coffee.

Have you made any effort at all to sound interested in her job? Do you ask her questions about her role and what it entails? I don’t think you have.

Regarding your other sons ex, your DIL is allowed to be friends with her. She is allowed to be friends with anyone. This is not your business. And not your concern. Stay out of it.

By accepting your behaviour and making efforts to change it, I will guarantee will make things less tense for her and you.

Thank you! I was only 18 at the time and was preparing to have it out with DP the next morning once he'd sobered up, but I woke up to breakfast in bed and a huge apology - MIL seemed to have done the trick. It was a one-off in our relationship and that behaviour has never been repeated since, but I genuinely feel like my MIL is someone I could turn to with relationship troubles, as she knows her son better than anyone but also understands that no one is perfect. A wise, respectable woman :)

Bet you are retired and have nothing better to do than to bother working people.

Oops, I hav some issues with my MIL but similar here - she has an annoying habit of thinking DH is perfect BUT she has told him off if she thinks he's being disrespectful or whatever and it is reassuring. I don't think it's about me being her DIL, more that the mother in her is horrified if her son isn't behaving well and she still thinks she has the right to call him out on it.

OP, it may well be that your DIL has withdrawn slightly as she has realised that ultimately, you will always take your sons' sides no matter what. It sounds like on a day to day basis she's fine - she still visits etc (and if she's there for breakfast and dinner, I really don't understand the need to chat during the day when she's working). She's also clearly very loyal to her DP - your son - and will protect and defend him, even against his brothers or mother. Really, arguably you've hit the DIL jackpot here and I'd be aiming for a friendly and respectful relationship without expecting any huge amount of closeness.

Perhaps there is a good reason everyone including your DIL think you are in the wrong. I think you do need to think carefully about this.

The way you are treating your ex daughter in law shows this one how disposable she is to you.

You will reap what you sow

It's posts like this that make me wish there was a like button on mumsnet 🥰

You remind me of my MIL. I temporarily split from my DH once and during that time she took my DH's side, even though he was in the wrong, and I got not one call from her, or FIL or any of his siblings about my own wellbeing or that of my DC.

Then we got back together.

Now I hardly have anything to do with her, or my DH's family because they showed me that I am nothing to them. Unfortunately for you, your DIL has seen upfront that you are willing to throw anyone under a bus so as not to upset your darling boys. Many DIL's will invest a lot of time and emotion trying to get their in-laws love and acceptance, and she has seen that this is a fruitless exercise.

Also, I know know a lot of people who work from home. In some ways it is more full on than working in a physical office. Some have conference calls from 0800 - 1800 with little time for a cup of tea.

I am sorry OP but this sounds a bit nasty :(

If she saw you being mean to your son's ex-wife after he had cheated on her, then she might be thinking you would do the same to her should this situation arise in her relationship.

Of course not. 🙄

This is hilarious. You are a nightmare MIL with a total lack of awareness (if you are even real!). Working from home doesn't mean it is not a real job. Many people earn many ££££ doing it. It's more accepted now since Covid and most enlightened work places offer it. And yes people have to make time for Drs appointments whether or not they work from home. Just who do you think you are...the queen? Should every one stand and salute when you arrive and provide tea on demand when they are being paid to work? To be honest though you don't come across so well so I would be making any excuse if it was me not to spend time as well! It's clear from your post that you disapprove of your DIL and no doubt in my mind it comes across and she knows it. Who would want to spend time with someone who disapproved of her? Also it's natural for her to be friendly with the other DIL, why exactly do you think should she stop that just because she split with your other son? You quite obviously have labelled your other DIL as a liar, but guess what people don't split up for no reason, especially if there are kids involved. Open your eyes! Stop hearing what you want to hear because you don't want to believe your son would do that. If I was your DIL watching you label the other DIL a liar I wouldn't want to be too close to you either, looks like you will take your son's side whatever he does. Your behaviour in this scenario sets a precedent, and this has already been witnessed by your DIL. If either of my sons in the future decides to cheat on his partner, I won't be taking their side or pretending it hasn't happened. If you make a promise to someone you keep it in my book, and if you decide you want sex elsewhere you do the honest thing and separate BEFORE you do it! At least that's what you do if you are a good person. It's that simple. So no it's not 'as any good mother would do!' would you still take his side if he had murdered someone or beat his wife because 'any good mother should'?! Think about your morals!! I'll bet good money your son who cheated was the pampered prince who was allowed to get anyway with anything and everything when he was younger and is now an entitled adult! And I bet you saw yourself as the 'matriach' in your family. I would be very wary now as your DIL, you've clearly shown how you behave when the chips are down. I'd be distancing myself too because it's easier before kids etc. It might still be repairable if you show a genuine interest in your DIL instead of expecting her to treat you like the queen bee you seem to think you are. Have you asked her about her work or even tried to empathise with her? Had you considered inviting them over to you on a weekend or other time when they are free and waiting on them a bit instead? Or do you always go over to them expecting star treatment?

It's rude for you to just turn up at someone's house unwanted, expecting them to entertain you when they are busy. If I was working I wouldn't even answer the door.

Oh bore off. My mum constantly wants to pop around for some tea/lunch. She thinks because I WFH I'm always available. I'm not! Yes, things are more flexible but if I take an hour out now I have to work that hour at some point in the evening. And if she knocks the door unexpectedly, chances are I'm on a work call so there's no chance of an hour off anyway. It gets exhausting! She also has no idea what job I actually do 😆

So she comes to visit and works from your house, then, once her working day is done, she hangs out with you for the weekend?

What a fucking liberty taker! Who does she think she is, prioritising her livelihood over her in laws!

She's does a proper job and she is working. Just because you don't understand what she does, it doesn't mean she does nothing.

Family should come before friends. My eldest is her family. His ex isnt anymore

Not if your family is shit.

Have you considered at all that she’s seen the way you’ve treated your ex-DIL and realised you would treat her the exact same way? It’s probably affected her view of you and I don’t blame her. And why shouldn’t she stay friends with someone, just because your son broke up with her (whether she claimed he cheated or not).

As for her being ‘rude’, no, she’s working, so no, she shouldn’t have to interrupt it for you.

If you want a good relationship with any future children then work on your relationship with her.

I'm a lawyer and I work from home 3 times a week. I also don't get up to chat to people. I'm afraid it is very much a proper job.

This attitude of yours isn't helping. She's working. Would you expect to pop in her office for a chat if she worked in an office? Just because she's not on calls (how do you even know?), doesn't mean she isn't working. If one of my team wfh stopped to speak with their in laws while being contracted to work. I wouldn't be that happy.

When my DH is not on an actual call he doesn’t come and chat with me. He is still working. He is compiling reports, reading reports, checking accounts etc. etc.

She may be in a job where here presence on the PC is logged so she can’t come down and speak to you.

If she’s always played an “active role” up to now what makes you think she is withdrawing apart from the fact that you don’t understand that working from home IS a “proper job”!

Oh this reminds me of the women in my community who always expect women like me to constantly be present, whereas they would never disturb the men. My mil in particular would mock my sil who would be working from home, implying she wasn’t really working. I have adhd when someone comes to chat to me while I’m doing admin it really throws me off so I prefer to keep my head down and get things done. Pre planned appointments are a different matter, why is your son telling you this anyway? Are you one of those mil that need to know everything? Some people just can’t handle women having their own space whether it’s work or otherwise.