DIL stepping back from us

[redkitesatnight]

Hi, not posted before but read mumsnet for years. After some advice please. I have 3 sons - 1 engaged and two single. This is about my son who is engaged. We have always liked his fiance, she can be a bit OTT sometimes and dramatic but my son loves her very much and we have always welcomed her, and she has always played an active role in the family. However since the strat of this yr she has taken a noticeable step back in the family. Less keen to be involved in family things. When visiting she is 'working from home' on weekday visits and sits up in room 'working'. She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance), when I just leave my sons to it and don't see harm in it. It stems from when my eldest split from his wife who she was close to. It got messy but I stood by my son, as any mother would. My DIL is still close to his ex and I think she is influenced by her. I'm worried what will happen if they have children/will she end up making my son distant from his family? WHat can we do to help matters.

Family should come before friends

Says you! That’s not the law remember…Other people have different opinions.

Maybe she feels her friend is closer than her husband’s cheating family! It’s YOUR family, not hers.

You DIL is probably shocked by your low moral standards, supporting your son who committed adultery. Perhaps she takes her marriage vows seriously and is disappointed that you don’t.

But your DIL was married to your eldest son, so was family too? But you dropped her like a hot potato didn't you, so this is the most ridiculous thing you could say.

Your eldest son isn't her family.

when you’re working you take time off for appointments.
You don’t when MIL wants a chat.
they are adults. Step back and stop trying to tell them what to do and how to behave.

No, not at all. Everyone has a choice about who they have in their lives. It sounds like your doing a good job of driving a wedge between you and her.

Can’t you see though this is why she has pulled away. Family to you is you and your sons no one else you have made that clear with how you have treated your other DIL. Family is on your terms if they leave that is it. Can’t you see why that would cause her to pull away

by all means support your son that doesn’t mean blindly believing he isn’t capable of cheating when he probably is

You sound like a nasty piece of work OP.

Lots of people work from home. Of course they work around appointments, the same as people in office jobs do. And no, if they are in the middle of a project they won't come down to say hello to someone visiting the house, anymore than someone working in an office will drop everything to take a call.

And no, most mothers wouldn't automatically believe their sons weren't cheating if their DILs left them.

Unless you seriously clean up your act I imagine that all three of your eventual daughters in law will keep you at a considerable distance.

NOPE you've taken it too far now. I thought this thread was a wind up from the very beginning, but now I'm certain!

As IF any decent human being would abandon their friend who has just been cheated on and gone through a break up, in order to support the cheater?? Just because 'family should come before friends'. Umm... no, family shouldn't come before friends. You choose the side of the person you care about most, trust more, and support who has been treated badly. Your son treated his ex badly, so he doesn't deserve the support.

I can't actually believe that you think your poor ex DIL should be banished by the family and ignored/alienated just because your son cheated on her and they split up?

No wonder your other DIL doesn't think you're very nice? What kind of message are you sending her about how much you value her?

This can't be real.

Wow!!! That's batshit.
In my husbands brother cheated on my friend, OF COURSE I would support my friend over the cheater.
If this is seriously your thought process, that family are first regardless of behaviour, I probably wouldn't have married your son, I'd be running for the hills from his mother.

its none of my business and shouldn't be any of hers, she's invilved herself

The ex is her friend. You stood by your son because he's your son. She's standing by the ex because she's her friend.

Couples don't split up if it turns out that the accusation of cheating isn't true. I think you're seeing your other son through rose coloured glasses. You're going to have to be prepared to listen to the other side without a knee jerk defence of your son, if your relationship with this girl is to survive.

What does this son (her partner) think about the brother with the ex? Whose she did he take, or was he more realistic and seeing both sides?

Ok so now I think this is a wind up!
I’d support my friends over my partners brother. I choose my friends I do not choose my random inlaws

How's their relationship? Her cooling off could be a reflection of that.

Well that just isn’t true. People shouldn’t be blindly believed or respected just because they are family. That’s madness

Anyway maybe your DIL believes your eldest was cheating and doesn’t respect him anymore. Seeing your blinding loyalty to your boy would likely annoy her. I know it would annoy me

No, family and friends can be equally important. For many people, friends are more important.

Your values aren't her values.

Your family isn't her family.

No he’s not- she only married her husband not his brother and therefore does not have to believe that he is innocent or support him over someone who is her friend.

Honestly I don’t blame her for pulling away.

“ she has twice criticised my sons” . how very dare she. Phew, this girl needs to get back into the kitchen and finish the washing up and the ironing doesn’t she, proper jobs for a woman those, not skulking upstairs on her laptop, she’s probably reading mumsnet up there, the hussy.

I don’t need to read anymore, either you’re a troll or a nightmare.

Also, if she sees you taking sides against his ex wife despite all the effort that the ex wife would have put into her relationship with you then what she’s basically seeing is that you’ll but her loose at the first opportunity too.

This post cannot be real 😂😂😂

Oof, you're a piece of work! Your poor DIL. I do a 'proper' job, I'm an accountant, but guess what, I work from home!
You should check your attitude.

I was heart broken when my ex mil took her sons side. I had gone above and beyond making a relationship with her, it was me that encouraged exh to visit, me that made sure she had xmas and birthday presents. She knew how he had been treating me and even told me she wouldn't blame me for leaving him and to put my dc first, then when I did she sent me a msg telling me I did it the wrong way blablabla. I haven't spoken to her since.

You should have stayed neutral at the very least, although if my ds grows up and treats someone horribly I'll be telling him exactly what I think of that even if I don't stay in contact with his ex.

Your soon to be dil has put up boundaries with you now as she knows your son can treat her any which way and you won't be on her side. Not on her side that she is still part of your family but on her side in allowing any behaviour to be thought of as okay.

If your son and DIL are working from home you should NOT be turning up for a visit. Your son is being polite in entertaining you - you need stop turning up at the house during working hours - you are out of line with this.

Some people really don't understand working from home. She's working. Back off.

I think this now too. Feel a bit stupid for actually replying…

Yes, all this.

You obviously want to defend your son. But the woman he cheated on was a friend of your other sons fiancee. And probably hearing you going on and on about how untrue it is and what a poor little lamb derek is for being accused of cheating, when lets face it, he probably did, has likely royally pissed her off.

She also sees how quickly you can turn your back on a family member not related by blood, blindly backing up your son simply because he is your son. Your view of not getting involved and letting them get on with it, fine. But you have totally outcast this other woman and she likely realises now that you would do the same in a heartbeat to her. You seem loyal only to your sons. Thats a very clear message she has received.

She has twice criticised one of my sons to me when they have upset their brother (my son who is her fiance)

So, she was backing up her fiance? I'd say that is a good quality, not a bad one! And backing him up because your mummys boy potential cheating son had upset HER fiance. So basically you are critisizing her for standing by her fiance because you can't hear a bad word about your other son's behaviour then. Do you have a favourite son by any chance, where the sun shines out of his arse and he can do no wrong, because it actually sounds like you might.

And as for her not coming down to chat with you when she is working. That is because she is actually working. She comes down when she finishes her working day. That is normal OP. And I expect your view of her not having a 'proper job' has also royally pissed her off.

I am not surprised she has stepped back from you. She can totally see what your opinion of her is, and can also see that you would be fully prepared to stab her in the back should your son do anything out of line - in the name of loyalty to your son. Just like the other poor girl it seems.

You're sounding more and more like Peggy Mitchell or some other EastEnders character.