Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Yes my ex DP did similar.
I ended it immediately and threw him out.
It took me years to get over it.
I'm afraid your husband is lying...it is a sexual relationship as well, he's trying to minimise it.
I'm so very sorry for both you and your daughter, it's devastating.
But you WILL get through it.
Sending much love xx

I very much doubt he would be spending out on gifts and restaurants in exchange for just an emotional connection.

I am struggling to piece it all together as at the moment I cannot prove it was a physical affair too although the emotional side is painful enough and nearly £1,000 spent on flowers, tiffany necklace, perfume.......I cannot see the bank accounts or phone records as I am not the primary account holder. He is being very emotional with me and claims to have ended it with her saying that it was a huge mistake, a fantasy and was not real. None of it adds up.

Does it matter if he shagged her? Really? You don't need things to be REALLY bad in order to leave. You could just kick him out now.

Flowers, gifts, loving messages and nice restaurants are all things you deserve as his wife. I bet you never got any of those.

LTB.

I'm sorry OP it sounds incredibly hurtful.

If it turns out to have been "only" emotional (and financial) does that make a difference - would you be more inclined to stay with him?

You could try telling him that he's got one chance to come clean, give you access to all the financial records (right now, in front of you, no nipping off and frantically deleting stuff) and that you'll know if he lies, and a lie will mean the marriage is over, because you'll then know that you'll never be able to trust him again.

He may try to bluff it out anyway, at which point I'd cut my losses and end it, because I'd always know deep down that he had fucked someone else and lied to my face, repeatedly, for 2yrs, and put our child in a terrible position, and only ended it (if he even had) when found out.

It’s Heartbreaking when the person you thought you knew does the ultimate betrayal, and then ads to the betrayal with gaslighting in an attempt to safe their own face and future, or reputation.

there is something called the script, which is an article on what the cheater may say in order to derail their own doing. Maybe read that as it may explain the journey a little you are going to be talking.

mumsnet is also full of amazing advice.

How did your daughter know? What a shitty position he put her in. I’m sure he’s minimising. You don’t have to make any decisions yet but what you do know is that he thought it was okay to do it until he was caught.

Of course it doesn't add up - it's all bullshit. And emotional v physical - does it matter? Maybe emotional is even worse. I don't know. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Can I ask, what's going on with your daughter? What a terrible position for her to be in (thanks to him), to have to tell her mum. How is she coping? She will be watching you now, she will have weighed up whether to tell you or not I guess?

What an asshole husband. I know you need to know what went down exactly. Bits of truth will emerge, and lies will become exposed. God, what an asshole (sorry).

You don't need to prove it, he has lied consistently for two years so Inwould be working on the assumption that everything he is saying now is also a lie. You don't need proof. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

OP, there is more to it, trust me.
Even if there was not and I'm sure there was, how do you know he has stopped?

I've said this before the victim of a deicet feels hurt, lost, useless and are rarely prepared even when they think they are.

Unless he has turned a new leaf and you are 100% sure re this, tell him to f off - it's hard and it will hurt for a long time but you will find someone else as no use living in fear of when it will happen again

Only you can decided. You are not alone, trust me.

An emotional affair is worse to me than sex. This wasn't just him wanting to shag around.

Your poor DD - how did she find out?

He's lying to you like he's been lying for 2 years.

She was suspicious that he was being secretive with his phone messages and walking down the garden when he was on telephone calls so couldn't be heard. She got onto his laptop and found receipts. She and her older sibling have known for 6 months but didn't want to tell me. He's said he was in a low place, found someone who cared, the escapism helped especially during a period when our son was ill (he sent flowers to her when my son was in hospital post major surgery). The OW had a fling with one of his other colleagues and has a relationship with another man whom she does not live with. It took him two weeks to call her to break it off but I wasn't party to that call. I am anxious every day, don't know what to do and desperately need to start helping myself to get back on track.

I am not sure what to say to my daughter. When she told me she was utterly heartbroken. At the moment we are limping along at home for her sake (her two siblings are at Uni).

I highly doubt they spent two years exchanging yearning looks and nothing more, frankly. I think the best thing you could do for your daughter is show her that woman don't stick around to be treated like this...

So sorry to hear about your husband. What you are going through is sadly far from unique. You need to educate yourself on how cheaters behave when found out so you can have to proper context.

I recommend www.chumplady.com as an excellent resource.

Forget the affair for a moment, I couldn’t ever forgive anyone for putting our kids in that situation. Ditch the creepy cliche husband and focus on your poor children and the damage he has done to them. This is your chance to model healthy boundaries to them. You can and will be better without him, you’re worth more.

He is following the usual pattern

Have affair
Get caught
Minimise
”it was all a mistake, a fantasy”

He will then move on to blaming you
Rewrite your history
Admit he was unhappy despite never mentioning this to you
Continue to minimise and lie, probably swearing on someone’s life.
Profess undying love to you
Cry a lot
Say he will do anything to make it right.

what you need to be careful of is that you don’t follow the usual patterns.

The pick me dance
Reward his bad behaviour with more sex
Believe his bullshit
Blame the OW

You need to

Tell him to leave whilst you have some time to think about the enormity of the situation and gather your thoughts.

Think really hard about what you want to do and what it will take to achieve this.

if you decide that splitting up is the best option then get all your ducks in a row and hire a really good divorce solicitor to get the best deal you can.

Thanks all - it is still so raw and I feel that I have no head space atm to make a sensible decision. I had a car crash the week before I found out, a nasty one where my car was written off. We dropped our daughter off at uni on the Saturday and I've found out he sent the OW chocolates on the Sunday, the day before I found out.....none of it stacks up at all. I want to believe that this has all been a terrible error of judgement. He's said he's even relieved that I found out so he could bring his affair to an end. But I just don't know.....

This will have placed a large amount of stress on your daughters shoulders. Is she ok? He needs to go just for that, it'll be hell her waiting for the inevitable bomb going off. What do you want her to learn about relationships.

He needs to leave for now so you can process. It doesnt matter whether he's shagged her or not. He's been having an affair anyway.

Has he given you lovely gifts or made extra effort with you over the last two years?

Did he know your children knew? Has he apologised to them?

Sorry this is happening. Sounds so hard.

Is your youngest 16yo? I think not having younger kids might make separation easier...

However, I understand to leave and start afresh is much easier said than done. You've spent 20 years together, had children and a family home...

So heartbreaking. Good luck.

No ad hoc gifts for me apart from birthdays although there was one delivery of flowers sent on the same day he sent flowers to her - and yes he knows my daughters know.

I am so sorry you are going through this as well as your poor kids. What an awful position he has put you all in and now he is laying it on a a relief for him you found out. Ugh utterly disgusting that he has ripped his family apart and it is all about him. Everyone who discovers an affair wants to see it as an error of judgement in the wake of finding out but 2 years is not a mistake and the secrecy he is still maintaining shows that. He hasnt come clean he has been caught red handed and is trying to damage limitate by making you feel sorry for him and for minimising what it was.

You and your children are the priority now. You do not need to make a decision on the marriage now and in all honesty I wlild advise against doing so as you are likely to cling on to it when actually months down the line you may want to kick him out. Make space a priority, allow yourself to grieve, do the things you love and love yourself and when you are healed you will know what you can tolerate. If it really was a mistake he would stay celibate until you decide. Most importantly remember that this isn't about you not being good enough for him this is about his own selfish desires and his lack of respect. The way people treat others is a reflection on how someone feels about themselves not the other person. Rally your support network and put yourself first. His wants do not get consideration anymore

I cannot prove it was a physical affair too although the emotional side is painful enough and nearly £1,000 spent on flowers, tiffany necklace, perfume

You don’t need to prove anything, @Pippa49 He’s been unfaithful however you measure it. He hasn’t valued you or your marriage.

Ask him to leave for a couple of weeks so you can take some time to think about how you feel.

Big hugs.