Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

I understand the need for proof.

But you don’t need it. Either way this is a huge betrayal.

he has been emotionally involved with someone for 2 years. You know this. He has admitted it.

he has also told you he’s a liar, so you can’t trust anything he says about this relationship.

you have to decide whether you want to stay with this man, but knowing if he shagged her won’t help you make up your mind.

I found out about my dads affair when I was 16. He begged me not to tell my mum but I did in the end.

She stayed with him as there was no actual proof that he had an affair, because he had deleted it all. He cheated over and over again and each time she stayed. He eventually left her for one of the women.

I wish she had left the first time and saved us both the years of heart ache. I begged her to leave him after each time, which I realise is easier said than done when it is not you in that position.

I no longer speak to my dad as it completely destroyed our relationship.

You need space to think about what you want and he needs to give you that space.

it only stopped because you found out and your poor kids had to live with it for 6 months

disgusting creature-is this what you want to teach them betray your wife its ok because he says it wasnt physical

I was your daughter. I was blackmailed into not telling my mum what I knew.
For all your sakes, find your anger and kick him out now.

Sadly I agree, OP.

Big hugs to you, OP.

The reason it doesn't add up is because he's lying to you every step of the way.

I think the worst aspect of this is that your kids felt they had to keep this secret because of what he did, and the hurt this must have caused them. I wouldn't blame them at all by the way, but I would hate that they have been caught in the middle and that he put them in this position.

Because in 99.99% of cases, this is what is really going on. So what if he's 'adamant' - he's already proved that you can't trust him, and yet you think you can on this. He's no fool, he knows that admitting to sex will be a deal-breaker, so he's trying to cover it up. Why don't you ask the OW? Perhaps she'll fess up.

It was a suspicion my 16yr o had over a course of time due to his secrecy and many messages/calls. I feel an absolute fool and this is all such a cliche given my two older children have just gone to uni. And this is a woman who appears to play the victim yet is a serial adulterer. I am hurting so much but also feel really embarrassed that this has happened to me. I've looked her up on social media - of course she is younger, slimmer and altogether far more attractive though also has two kids with an ex-husband. I just don't get why either she or him would do such a horrible thing and put so much at risk.

Even if he does end it properly and even if (extremely and highly unlikely) he is not having a physical as well as an emotional affair with her, the fact that he is having an emotional affair is enough. Emotional affairs are in many ways more dangerous.
My ex husband had one with a work colleague. I found out, confronted him, he left and then followed multiple emails from him to me about how his emotional connection with her was "hugely important" to him. Death by a thousand cuts.
Seize your power and tell him to leave is what I would do. He has crossed the boundary now and will definitely do it again with someone else in the future if you do not tell him to leave.

What silver bullet could be worse than what you already know? He shagged her, absolutely. Everyone on here knows that and I think you do too deep down. But even if he didn’t (which he absolutely did, sorry) - everything else you already know about it is as bad if not worse than that. The sex part is a red herring, it’s largely irrelevant. Emotional cheating is more unforgivable in my opinion.

Im sorry to be blunt as you’re going through hell but you’re going to need to be very strong and hold yourself to higher standards than you seem to be if you’re going to get past this and have a happy life. It sounds a lot like you’re considering staying with him. That’s a hideous message to send your kids and it will be a matter of weeks before he’s at it again. If he’s even stopped. Your life with him can only ever be miserable from here.

Some people are genuinely remorseful after an affair and relationships can survive. But literally nothing you’ve said about his behaviour, reaction and frankly the stereotypical shite he’s spouting, indicates that will be the case here. You’re clutching at straws. Kick him out and let the healing begin (and his suffering start).

If i may ask OP, how old is your husband? Has he had a significant birthday recently?

How can you all be so sure he is shagging her? He is adamant there was nothing physical

Of course he's adamant it's not physical. They always are. They'll always admit the bare minimum, if you have no proof he's had sex with her and he thinks he can feed you a line about it being emotional only then he's hardly going to go 'yes dear, I did the her to all those restaurants and we had some jolly good sex afterwards'. At the moment you believe it wasn't physical because that's what you WANT to believe. And I'm so sorry, I've been there and it really fucking hurts.

Only you can decide what to do. 3 years ago I was on here being given the same advice you are now. Like you I was determined that everyone was wrong, and I could make it work. I wish I'd listened, and not spent 3 years losing so much of myself and my self esteem. You'll never look at him the same way ever again. I promise you life is much happier when you're not filled with hurt and doubt about whether they'll do it again.

Yep, 50 last year

Yes. It's heart breaking. Kick him out and start again. Wish I did

Presume everyone thinks those messages (above) are enough evidence to make a decision on? I also know chocolate, expensive perfume, flowers to her when she was abroad to celebrate their "anniversary" were sent......

@Pippa49 how do you feel about him sending her those gifts and messages? How you feel about it is the most relevant.

This isn't a single gift for a colleague who is ill, or who has had a bereavement say. This are gifts to demonstrate romantic feelings. The accompanying messages say it all!

All that expense, time and consideration should have been spent on you and your family OP.

Keep reminding yourself of that and please start getting angry.

Rip the plaster off and kick him out.

"Yep, 50 last year"

And the affair partner is younger/much younger?

Classic male midlife crisis.

My ex husband was about to turn 40. He is now married to the woman he was having an affair with who is 12 years younger than him. The woman who told him at the time he left me and his two very young kids that their emotional connection was "hugely important". (x years down the track my own children tell me that the honeymoon period for their dad and the other woman is well and truly over for them not that that makes any difference so far as I am concerned).

The week he left our family home he told me he was having a "male midlife crisis". (if your husband says this don't take it as some kind of mitigating factor, infidelity is infidelity). They do often happen at significant ages.

I feel sick and betrayed but am wondering if I am overreacting. I am sorry but I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I've tried to access professional help to no avail and really appreciate all your help.

He's shagging her and has been for a long time. It's not over, just on the back burner while you watch and she waits.

"He told me that me finding out was a relief"

Oh how wonderful for him, he's relieved. Also "The Script".

"He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them."

Oh he deleted the one thing that could prove it wasn't physical. Whoopsie. Also "The Script".

"claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)"

Yeah right. He hopes you're a fool. Also, "The Script"

"it was a huge mistake, a fantasy and was not real"

Your husband is a walking cliche. Ugh. Script.

"He's said he was in a low place, found someone who cared, the escapism helped especially during a period when our son was ill (he sent flowers to her when my son was in ho"

Yawn. Also, your fault then for not caring? Script.

"The OW had a fling with one of his other colleagues and has a relationship with another man whom she does not live with."

Yes, he's the man. Also, OW is evil slag obviously 🙄. He is good guy. Also, "The Script"

"we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other."

Bork. Ryan Giggs. 🤮 You don't write this shit unless you're well into the shagging phase. Gross.

"None of it adds up."

Trust that he's been shagging her at every opportunity and then it will make sense. He's a lying toad.

"I am not sure what to say to my daughter."

You say, "Keep your bar high and never, ever let anyone betray you, lie to you, gaslight you, put your health at risk twice. Let me show you how." Then you kick the fucker out, use the time he's "so sorry" to make sure you get the best deal financially. And you remember he will be back but ONLY because he wants the easy life back.

Good luck. He's a lying using bastard.

I'm sorry OP, how terrible for you and your family. It is not simple, I know, and we do not know all the details, the history and emotional connections you have, but if it were me I would also ask him to

1. Provide all the evidence now, one chance only, to confess all.
2. Then when you have it, ask him to leave, while you sort out your feelings. You may decide to him to come back later on, but separating for a period now shows you have power, confidence and control.

I would do this because your daughters will be watching you both right now. How you react will influence how they think about men, women, relationships and their worth in the world.

Good luck OP

Sadly, yes.
Darling, you're sat firmly in denial right now, this is entirely normal.. but someone's going to say something to get through to you soon and you're going to find the anger you need, it will come and you will push through this stage to get what your mind needs- the control of your own life that you have been denied of for 2 years. He should be shitting himself right now!!

I'm sorry OP but there was no chance it wasn't physical. They were together for two years and it sounds like there were feelings involved.

He will admit to the bare minimum and has deleted the messages. If he hadn't been found out they would probably still be together. Two years is a sustained pattern, he lied to you every day. This wasn't a fling and that would be enough for me

So sorry you're dealing with this OP. But I agree with all the other posters who say it doesn't matter whether he did have sex with her, he betrayed you and that is something I could never forgive. The trust is gone.

Show your daughters how women handle men treating them poorly. It's time to kick him out, and rebuild your life without this man. So many of us have been here and come out of the other side, far far stronger and happier.