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Original poster

Husband has had an affair

418 replies

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 11:12

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

OP posts:
Koyto · 24/09/2022 21:41

You're going to get hurt even more by this man if you don't snap out of this and start protecting yours and your daughters future. I know you are in shock but he's preparing to move on while you're still thinking about dinner receipts, you will have time to do all the grieving and investigating you need a few months down the line, right now you really need to protect yourself against this horrible excuse of a man, it's critical you start right now. You've been given so much great advice here, please please take it.

Aussiegirl88 · 25/09/2022 02:55

Mine cheated for 3 years with escorts, our relationship was 4 years long at that point. here I am 9 years later and the reason I chose to stay was due to how sorry he SEEMED and how he would spend the rest making up to me, lies upon lies upon lies that were trickled out only when I had cold hard evidence did he ever tell the truth. it started with I found the websites in his history, to he called and hung up for the thrill, to only happened once, to happened maybe a few times, to was only ever happy endings, to one time was HJ he still to this day will not admit it always went further as the cash taken out from atm reciepts added up to the acts he'd pay for. He trickle trudged for close to 6 months to the point where I would be confused and wouldn't be angry just desperate for truth. I got all phone bills, map locations, bank statements I had it all right there spanning over 3 years.

To this day I know he's not sorry and would still be doing it if I didn't know what to look for, this was a man, that if someone had come to tell me I would've swore black and blue it wasn't him, Now after 9 years I know he's a Pathological liar, learnt to hide stuff better, has broken me more times than he's fixed me. I stayed because I thought I knew who he was I was absolutely blindsided and we just had a baby and pregnant with a 3rd.
Staying with him, gave him a green light to disrespect me! 9 years on I've set boundaries and standards that I demand and deserve and he's failed everytime I've already grieved the loss and I'm in the process of leaving my only regret was not doing it back then when I had the chance.

Paigeycakey · 25/09/2022 05:43

Aussiegirl88 · 25/09/2022 02:55

Mine cheated for 3 years with escorts, our relationship was 4 years long at that point. here I am 9 years later and the reason I chose to stay was due to how sorry he SEEMED and how he would spend the rest making up to me, lies upon lies upon lies that were trickled out only when I had cold hard evidence did he ever tell the truth. it started with I found the websites in his history, to he called and hung up for the thrill, to only happened once, to happened maybe a few times, to was only ever happy endings, to one time was HJ he still to this day will not admit it always went further as the cash taken out from atm reciepts added up to the acts he'd pay for. He trickle trudged for close to 6 months to the point where I would be confused and wouldn't be angry just desperate for truth. I got all phone bills, map locations, bank statements I had it all right there spanning over 3 years.

To this day I know he's not sorry and would still be doing it if I didn't know what to look for, this was a man, that if someone had come to tell me I would've swore black and blue it wasn't him, Now after 9 years I know he's a Pathological liar, learnt to hide stuff better, has broken me more times than he's fixed me. I stayed because I thought I knew who he was I was absolutely blindsided and we just had a baby and pregnant with a 3rd.
Staying with him, gave him a green light to disrespect me! 9 years on I've set boundaries and standards that I demand and deserve and he's failed everytime I've already grieved the loss and I'm in the process of leaving my only regret was not doing it back then when I had the chance.

Why on earth did you have the 3rd baby? Those boundaries were broken..... so there's nothing at all you could of put in place other than leave.

I hope you really leave for your own sanity, peace of mind and your children.

Aussiegirl88 · 25/09/2022 08:55

Paigeycakey · 25/09/2022 05:43

Why on earth did you have the 3rd baby? Those boundaries were broken..... so there's nothing at all you could of put in place other than leave.

I hope you really leave for your own sanity, peace of mind and your children.

Show quote history

To be completely honest as I often wonder why myself when I found out everything back then I had just miscarried I was empty I fell for the sorrys and for a good year ge did spend alot of time making up for his choices That's why we had a 3rd (she's 4 next month) I know why we had her and I know it was a mistake although I wouldn't change it for the absolute world because she brings so much light and love to my life and I don't regret it at all. however again. being completely honest she was a bandaid! I had my whole life flipped upside down and like I said hand on heart would've defended this man if anyone told me he was anything other than what I knew however I could probably write a best seller with my past 9 years. I thought I could forgive, not for him but for myself and my children. Now I don't care if I leave with nothing as long as I leave which is my plan the next 30 days (been planning for 5 months now as I realised the person I had become, who I wanted to be and woke up to realising what I deserve) however the rental crisis in Australia is huge atm hence how long it's taken, I have no family and if I left to stay with someone I wasn't allowed to take the children or I would've been gone in a heartbeat

PaddingtonsSarnie · 25/09/2022 09:07

OP so sorry you're going through this, but honestly, if the Sally updates are from you then you sound like you are rearranging the deckchairs whilst the Titanic sinks.

Sally49 · 28/09/2022 22:30

Thanks for the empathy. On meds for anxiety - actually struggling to cope with putting on a brave face right now

Herejustforthisone · 28/09/2022 22:45

Has he left @Sally49 ?

Helena22 · 25/11/2022 12:31

No - we continue to talk and I don't believe its getting anywhere right now as he just doesn't want to talk about it. Says he is so sorry, will do anything to keep me and that it meant nothing - was just a fantasy, not real, an escape. Part of me wants him to admit he's been lying before I make my decision which right now is going to be that we separate but obviously need to manage the family fall-out. I am sure the OW is still on the back burner. Have been stalking social media etc for any clues but he's good at covering his tracks. Also contemplated contacting the OW but probably not a good idea. Don't want to be responsible for ruining her children's lives as well.

bewarethetides · 25/11/2022 18:04

He doesn't want to talk about it? HE doesn't want to talk about it?!

Relationships take 2 people, not 1. Tell him to get to fuck and to get out.

Lottapianos · 25/11/2022 18:06

'Says he is so sorry, will do anything to keep me and that it meant nothing'

Translation - get over it love, put it behind you and stop hassling me about it. He doesn't take you or your feelings seriously at all OP. He just wants his life to be as comfortable as possible

DuchessDandelion · 25/11/2022 18:09

@Lottapianos nailed it.

He will do anything to keep you, op, except - apparently - talk about it.

Toomanysleepycats · 25/11/2022 18:42

I asked the bank to send duplicate statements to the house and managed to pick them up first when they came through the door.

Helena22 · 25/11/2022 21:13

He has gone online with his statements and has un-itemised phone bills so really tricky to piece it all together.

Helena22 · 25/11/2022 21:16

TBH I am starting to doubt myself. Maybe I've made more of it than it is....

AutumnTreacle · 25/11/2022 21:19

Good Lord, you’re not overreacting, he’s made you feel this way over the past few months. Separate quickly and get rid, you’ll soon see him try and get together with her.

Helena22 · 25/11/2022 21:32

He claims not to be interested in her and says he will avoid her at work but I just don't know. I suspect that he is hedging....she is far more attractive than me.

Koyto · 25/11/2022 22:19

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are still no further on since the day you found out. It's been 3 months, you must be exhausted, no wonder you are questioning yourself and reality. You still sound so upset and unsure of yourself, have you managed to tell any friends or family yet?
If he's not willing to talk about it, hes sentancing you to spend another 3 months, 3 years even 30 years living with this mental torture.. like a poison slowly disolving your self esteem and sanity. That is unless he decides to leave, then you may be free to heal or move on? How can a man who professes to love you be ok with you living like this I wonder, he must see what it's doing to you, it's pretty cruel isn't it.
How's your daughter, is she speaking to you about it at all?

Lottapianos · 26/11/2022 08:08

'He claims not to be interested in her and says he will avoid her at work but I just don't know'

You don't know because he won't discuss anything with you. He's being unbelievably selfish and cruel. How much longer can you live like this?

Helena22 · 26/11/2022 09:54

I don't know but was gutted to see she has connections with the hospital he is hoping to move to because there is just no end or clean break. She will contact him and honestly she is really attractive and I don't think he'll be able to resist....

Lottapianos · 26/11/2022 10:24

No doubt you're still in shock OP, and this has been a horrendous time for you, but if things are going to change, you are going to need to take control here. You can't rely on him to communicate honestly with you, or be decent in any way. You deserve so much better than being fobbed off by him after his appalling behaviour

Helena22 · 08/12/2022 13:46

I've found my way into the phone bills so can see he was calling her when we were on our family holiday this summer. It doesn't detail calls received so only has half the picture. Yes I am being lied to and yes I now need to take some decisive action now that my head is a little straighter (although heart still in pieces)......

EL0ISE · 08/12/2022 14:38

Im sorry, I know how devastating this is.

cinnamonpearl · 08/12/2022 14:56

Why on earth are you still with him??

Thewookiemustgo · 08/12/2022 22:28

She’s still with him because she’s just found out the full extent of it, is broken hearted and in the middle of a terrible shock just before Christmas with her family to think of. Relationship crises are never as easy as just being able to walk out there and then or get him to leave immediately. ‘why are you still with him?’ at the present moment is pretty obvious.

Helena22 · 09/12/2022 16:15

Thewookiemustgo · 08/12/2022 22:28

She’s still with him because she’s just found out the full extent of it, is broken hearted and in the middle of a terrible shock just before Christmas with her family to think of. Relationship crises are never as easy as just being able to walk out there and then or get him to leave immediately. ‘why are you still with him?’ at the present moment is pretty obvious.

Thank you - sums up my position perfectly. I feel stuck, can't discuss this with anyone and yet continue to feel paranoid and depressed. Its really helpful though to read these messages, to see different points of view as I try to formulate a plan. Its a 30 year relationship involving 3 children so my strategy needs careful thought to minimise the fall out for us all.

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