Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

By the sounds of it, he wants to remain, for the moment.

Is he wanting this because he genuinely wants you or is it damage limitation, fear of being exposed to the wider world, his children's respect, his finances.

The ball is now in your court, you do not have to wait for him to decide what he wants, he's a proven liar so any words or actions for now on are pretty meaningless from him.

Take some time out and rest, self care, slow down, drop any commitments for him, do not do any housekeeping for him, no life management, rest.

He's had a good run whilst you've been busy running the household and family.
Start thinking about getting your ducks in a row, book a solicitor, get some advice, don't tell him as this could set off a chain reaction of him moving monies.

I'm very sorry, he's been selfish, cruel and very disloyal, he has broken your friendship, forever I should imagine.
It's very hard, I hope you have support if you decide to tell others, your girls seem a credit to you, it must have been so hard for them.

Try to rest, don't think about decisions yet, give yourself a little time for your body to get over the trauma, make sure you eat/drink, you need rebuild your strength.

Oh this is horrendous. I’m so sorry. Your poor daughter too… good on her for telling you. I know it’s hard but how you deal with this is an example to your daughter and how she models her next relationships (I speak from experience, sadly).

I know it’s easier said than done but he has been duplicitous from the off and if it wasn’t for you being tipped off you’d be none the wiser and he wouldn’t be so ‘emotional’ and I bet the gifts wouldn’t have stopped either. You are worth more than this. Don’t reward him for his behaviour by letting him have his cake and eat it while you do the hard work of having to mend your own betrayal. Just know this isn’t your fault OP x

I think it's darkly comical that men actually think that we would believe that years into a romance, that these affairs are somehow devoid of physical intimacy. And like that even fucking matters. For many it's the emotional intimacy that is the killer, not the shagging.

In any case, he can split hairs and lie through his teeth all he likes. This looks like an affair in every single sense of the word. If only he hadn't deleted all those innocent texts that would have exonerated him. He's such a dope. I mean, who deletes text messages that proves it wasn't an affair??

You know all you need to know. He crossed the line and broke vows. How or the mechanics of it are secondary to the fact he did this. And you could possibly forgive him for a one off drunken lapse - maybe - but not something as long and as sustained and as involved as this.

Get to a divorce lawyer.

Emotional or not I’d kick him out for a couple of weeks, to give me time to get all my ducks in a row. Things would change for sure, even if I allowed him to stay I would make sure my personal finances were in order.

Set a good example for your children and divorce this man. Show your kids that you are not some doormat who will accept be cheated on and lied to. How you conduct yourself in dealing with this revelation will make an impact on them for the rest of their lives.

His messages to the OW professed deep love - the message with the Tiffany necklace was:

"Dear [name] This is my gift to you because we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other. It matches because I know and will always understand you and all that you need [name] xxx"

One message with some of the flowers said:

"Dear [name] Wherever you are, whatever we are, I just want you to know that I do and always will care. All my love Always"

This was at the end of May. We went on holiday in July and the gifts continued after then.....right up until the day before I found out.

I torture myself every day looking at the screenshots retrieved by my 16 yo daughter.

Of course it’s physical, he’s not going to spend money if he’s not shagging her.

Precisely. Op, please don't fall for any of his gaslighting bullshit. He is saying whatever it takes to keep his life nice and easy.

I am inclined to confront him and ask to see phone records and bank statements but it sounds like you all think there's enough of a betrayal already. I am a rational person and am seeking some logic and reason in all of this and can't see it, not least why you would constantly phone and message someone, send them gifts etc without anything in return. Does anyone know of a good counselling service or webpage I can look at for some help?

He's shagging her. Not that it matters. He needs to leave the house now and give you your space to think.

Moving on from this, think what you want. Do you want to live with someone who can betray you like this? Do you want to want to be wondering if he'll do it again? Do you want to be second guessing where his feelings are? Do you want to always be needing to piece together the "backstory".

I was in a similar position to you years ago with my exH. After two years of trying to work it out, I gave up- realising that the answers to the above were no. And that I was worth more then being in a second rate, tainted marriage.

I am hoping that by posting this I can make you see that things are unlikely to ever go back to normal. Get legal advice. Grieve. And start evaluating what the future looks like either with or without him. And get angry.

Hi OP.

Read the chump lady website.

www.chumplady.com/

She will walk you through all your next steps.

Lose a cheater, gain a life is her motto.

How can you all be so sure he is shagging her? He is adamant there was nothing physical. How will I ever know. And this is the horrible limbo world I am in at the moment, with a constant feeling of anxiety and physical pain.

Read Chump Lady and you will see there is a script cheaters follow.

Cheaters ALWAYS say they didn't shag the affair partner.

But, the reality is, they did.

He's been having an affair for 2 years. You don't need to rationalise this, and of course he's been getting "something" in return. They have absolutely been having sex. He's lying to you about this just like he has so many other things.

I'm not saying you shouldn't seek counseling, but you need to speak to a solicitor immediately. You need to know your options and what to prepare for, even if you decide to stay married. See a solicitor before he does. His apologetic demeanor might change very, very quickly.

So he's only ending it because you found out? In other words he'd carry on if you didn't know. How can you stay with someone like that?

What an absolute turd of a human being he is. How dare he cheat and lie to you for two years, while he was pouring time, emotional energy and money into his relationship with OW.

I’m in the process of divorcing my cheating soon-to-be ex - although he’s dragging his feet a bit as he’s realised it’s going to be costly for him - and I can heartily recommend it!

For me, it’s not the sexual element that matters as much as the constant deceit and emotional betrayal. I can’t imagine waking up every day for two years and deciding every single one of those days to carry on lying and cheating on my spouse. If someone isn’t happy then fair enough, end the marriage. But to carry on as he has done is utterly spineless and selfish. Your poor, poor DD - I’d never be able to forgive him the upset and stress he’d caused her, let alone any of the rest of it.

@Pippa49 why does it matter if he shagged her? He can say what he likes? You're not going to get dna evidence!! What he has done is enough of a betrayal. You don't send messages to another woman like that if you don't fancy her! And looking and acting on those impulses like he has (in the gift sending) is enough to constitute cheating in my book!

Fuck me, that's some shite he's been reeling off isn't it.

So this ow has been with his friend and also currently has another partner, so basically she has them fighting over her. Deary me, he does sound like a fool, he's gone full on with the gifts and and gushings to beat off the competition.

He needs humiliating I'm affraid, a little truth shed on this whole sorry pathetic affair.
Sounds like the ow could be in it for the gifts with all of them.

Leave him to fight over her and take half his assets.
He's blown it.

A man wouldn’t engage with a woman for 2yrs with nothing physical going on. I’m so sorry OP this hurts so badly you’re looking desperately for proof that it isn’t that bad- but it is.
You don’t need anymore evidence he’s cheated end of- can you accept it or divorce him. I’d choose the latter- your daughters are watching your example.

How can you all be so sure he is shagging her? He is adamant there was nothing physical.

I know you're going through a massive shock, but living in denial isn't doing you any favours. Do you really think this has been a two year long "error of judgement?" Your husband has worked very hard at keeping this from you for a very long time. This was his choice, not a mistake.

He is adamant there was nothing physical.

A month ago would he have been adamant he'd never cheat?

^ This.

You need to stand up to him for your daughters sake. My goodness I can't imagine how hard this must be for you OP. But use your objectivity for a moment - you MUST kick him out for the sake of your daughter. She knows what he's done. You know too in your heart.

He told me that me finding out was a relief and gave him the impetus to finish it with her. That said, it took him two weeks to call her (when he was at work apparently) to end it. I am sounding pathetic but I feel like I need the silver bullet piece of evidence before making such a huge decision to leave him....my daughter was devastated when she told me. It so heartbreaking and I'm struggling to function at the moment.

'I know you're going through a massive shock, but living in denial isn't doing you any favours. Do you really think this has been a two year long "error of judgement?" Your husband has worked very hard at keeping this from you for a very long time. This was his choice, not a mistake '

All of this. OP, I'm so sorry and I really feel for you. You must be in deep shock. As others have said, he has betrayed you for 2 years, and is spinning you a pack of lies to keep it all as convenient as possible for himself. Ok, none of us have proof that he's been shagging this other woman but it's more than likely that he has been. £1000 spent on flowers and chocolates for her, and he was only getting smiles and handholds in return? Please.

He's a lying bastard. Your poor daughter. I'm so very sorry. As the shock fades, you will find your anger, and that will give you strength and energy