Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Right - the options are stay together or separate/ divorce.

What you should do is arrange to see a divorce solicitor. Not so you can instantly start divorce proceedings but so that you know what separating will mean ie how much income you would have, would you get to keep the house, how much maintenance etc
Then it's a decision whether to stay with two timing dastardly DH, or to move onto this different life that you wouldn't have chosen but it is bearable and you can do it if you choose to, rather than it being some horrible, unimaginable , future scenario that you can't bear to consider.

Sexual or not it’s the same outcome if it was me . He would be out by now ! Sorry but there is no excuse at all . The fact your children knew makes it even worse . What example are you give ong to them if you let him stay ?

Jesus, the 'so glad I've been found out' nonsense would make me murderous. Not a thought for your pain and shock and devastation, just full of HIS relief and self importance. He reminds me of my dad, he's a sanctimonious twat as well

When I was 15, I uncovered my father's affair via text messages from his phone. That was painful enough and was a deeply upsetting time for me. So I feel really awful for your daughter for finding out, and for her other sibling who had to live with the knowledge too.

But why did they keep it a secret from you? My first instinct was to tell my mother. I do not believe for a second that your husband didn't pressure or guilt them into keeping it a secret.

That alone would be enough for me. If my husband ever put my children in such an awful position, then I wouldn't be able to find a way to forgive him I'm afraid.

Look, everyone here is so sorry for you having to go through this OP. But you've GOT to get angry and get your boundaries straight as your daughter is looking to YOU as the example. You must get him out of the family home immediately. Even if for a temporary period if "thinking time". Then see a solicitor.

You are in denial which is understandable but NOT helpful right now. Imagine this happened to your daughter and you found out her partner had cheated in this way for two years! What would you advise her to do?

Absolutely this. I have been through it. It hurts. I am so sorry op

Many women search for proof of infedelity when an affair is suspected.

In reality they are searching for proof of fedelity, you already know he has been unfaithful emotionally, he is capable of lying every single day for years, why would you believe his claims of not being physically unfaithful.

I know it's unbelievably painful and your mind is adjusting to this shock, but do not let him lie anymore, that's enough now, he has decieved you and your children for long enough.

Please believe in yourself and do not allow him to gaslight you, as this is abuse.

In time you will see you are trying to gaslight yourself to help you cope, please be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong except marry a weak man who has no morals or integrity.

You are worth so much more, and in time I believe he will regret this, but this is his mistake and soon enough will feel the pain of his actions.

Here come the consequenses, he's just trying to prevent them.

And absolutely this too. TWO YEARS?! Get angry, get organised, dump his cheating ass and move on. Will it be easy - no. Will be worth it - hell yes.

I wouldn't care what he was or had been doing with her, the fact that he'd put the kids in this position would see his bags already packed and on the drive if I was in your shoes.

He's not glad he was found out OP, he's now terrified you're going to take him for half he's got and his nice comfortable life will be gone, plus he has to deal with his kids looking at him like he's dirt. That's what he's upset about. Why do you even care if they were shagging? Surely what's happened is bad enough ??

Bear in mind OP that cheats only ever admit to the bare minimum they absolutely have to - they admit to the things you have physical proof of, which they can’t deny, and minimise everything else. So things come out in a drip feed.
So he claims it wasn’t sexual. I’d bet a million pounds that if you suddenly had evidence that he had been physically unfaithful then he’d swear blind it only ever happened once and he felt terrible and it never happened again.

Then when you found evidence of more, he’d claim that it was only a couple of times, or only when he was low/angry/drunk/whatever. There’s always more than they’ll admit to.

In the end I had evidence of two mistresses over several years and the ex begrudgingly accepted this in the face of the evidence. He would never have admitted anything. I suspect it’s just the tip of the iceberg and there’s more, but it really doesn’t matter because once was enough.

I’m sorry you’re going through this - it’s so, so awful at first. But I promise you that you’ll survive, get through it and then move on to be happy.

Surely whether he was sleeping with her or not is irrelevant. What you for certain already know is relevant:

He lies to you, and has lied for years. He's still lying now, and would still be with her if you hadn't found out.
He's fallen in love with another woman.
When you were going through tough times, he was thinking of her and sending regular flowers and expensive gifts.

Even if it wasn't physical I couldn't stay with him knowing he's fallen for someone else and is so happy to lie to me and betray me so heartlessly.

(And he likely was sleeping with her. You know you can't trust what he says. If he loves her that much why wasn't he sleeping with her? Even if he wasn't, he wanted to and it was only a matter of time. But let's face it, he more than likely was).

He’s said it wasn’t real and he was in a bad place? I would tell him his betrayal is real and he has put you in a bad place.

Because he’s a man spending money on a woman who isn’t a first degree relative. Of course he’s going to lie and say nothing happened. I’d say the same if it was me.

They always minimise.

If he said they exchanged 10 messages then it's 100.

If he said they met up once then it will be 10 times.

If he says they kissed then it will be sex.

Even if he hasn't minimised then it's still a long term emotional affair, which is also terrible and a betrayal.

You are devastated.

Very soon you are going to be very angry.

He did this to you, he's now waiting for what you will do to him.

Whether you can “prove” he has also had a physical affair as well is irrelevant. He has totally betrayed you and you need to show him the door🚪👋🏼

For me it really wouldn’t matter if he had slept with her at this stage. It’s the two year betrayal. The two years of lies. The two years of sending her love notes and messages and flowers and presents while you were oblivious. The two years you were presumably sleeping with him and he was fixated on someone else. Professing love for someone else. The holidays, Christmases, birthdays, future plans you were making together while he was spending money on someone else, telling someone else he loved her. Putting someone else before you and your children. The fact your DD suspected and found it all out. What she is feeling and going through. That’s what I couldn’t forgive.

I’m sure you don’t want to put your DD through any more and are maybe thinking it’s better to stay than put her and your other DCs through the emotional upheaval of divorce but I couldn’t set the example to my DDs that it’s ok to put up with what he did. For so long. I would tell them he will always be their Dad. Ut that he couldn’t be my husband anymore as I just could never trust him again.

Right now I'd be putting all my energy to my daughter and to do that you need him out of the house for a period of time at least, you need time to process what's happened. What a horrific position your young daughter has been put in, all those months knowing must have been such a burden to carry, she will need a lot of support.
I'm so very sorry this has happened to you, you need friends and family right now please do reach out to them. You've been cruelly betrayed most intimately for so long, no doubt you'll be harsh on yourself with questions such as why didn't you notice anything, was it something I did, am I not good enough.. you must try not think too long on these things (I won't say don't as it's a natural response).
A perspective that helped me- you did not choose this- HE made a choice for YOU, to start and continue an affair behind your back he took away your ability to make a choice of the type of relationship you have together. At the very least, that's abusive, disrespectful and controlling, would you allow anyone else to treat you this way? Would you allow someone to treat your daughter this way?
Take some time out, be kind to yourself- you didn't deserve what's happened to you but you will get through this however you decide to play this- you have been given your choices back to you and only you can decide what's right for you and your family, thinking of you xx

Oh come on

Just from the way you’re writing OP I can tell you’re an intelligent woman. You need space to think this through. You must know, deep down, that this was a physical affair and even if it wasn’t (unlikely to impossible) - would it matter? What would you tell your 16 year old daughter if she found herself in such a situation? And put yourself in her shoes. Imagine how it would be for you to be around your parents, losing all respect for your dad and then slowly losing respect for your mum… then modelling said behaviour later on. It happens, I’ve been there.

You’re speaking of a silver bullet - your silver bullet is the 2 years and the erasing of all messages and evidence. Don’t let him gaslight you into sleepwalking into spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t treat you like you deserve.

Think about what this prick has put your daughter through. That alone should be enough to kick him out. Fuck the mythical "silver bullet." You know all you need to.

My heart would be broken for DD finding out about her father, what that must have done to her. He is a despicable piece of shit OP and amidst all of the hurt he’s inflicted on his own family continues to lie and minimise. I hope you find your anger soon because you’re going to need it. I could never respect such a weakling.

I adore my DH deeply but if I found those messages and the evidence you DO have, it wouldn't matter to me whether he had fucked her or not.

He'd be gone.

How could you ever look at him in the same way ever again?

You couldn't. Your marriage as you knew and trusted it has gone.

I'm so sorry OP

Show your daughter that women don’t deserve to be treated like this. Kick him out and focus on your kids.