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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has had an affair

418 replies

Pippa49 · 16/09/2022 11:12

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

OP posts:
warofthemonstertrucks · 09/12/2022 17:22

With the best will in world it's not just on you to minimise anything- if that's even possible. He has to own his behaviour and take some responsibility-stop thinking this is all on you. Your DD already knows the score. It will be difficult but there is no way to make it less painful really. You have to go through it to get out the other side. And come out the other side you will.
Im sorry this happened to you. and that his response has not been what it should have been.

Helena22 · 09/12/2022 20:53

Thanks - really struggling at the moment emotionally. Feels like I need more and more evidence to prove he's lying to me even though I do know there is plenty already. I need him just to accept it but he won't. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but with the job move I just think the OW will just follow.....

Jewel7 · 09/12/2022 22:05

Having been in a similar situation. I would say give yourself space from him and time. Consider counselling and journaling to help you. You don’t need to rush. You don’t need others opinions you just need to do what’s right for you.

Original poster
Pippa49 · 05/03/2023 17:18

Since I found out about his affair DH has been leaving his work phone at work. He has wiped all evidence of the OW from his phone but I know he will still have contact with her as he uses the kit she is an agent for and both where he works now and where he is going to are on her patch. She also trained in the city where DH is going for his new job. I feel awful every day, repeated panic and anxiety attacks, low self-esteem and if it was not for my kids I wouldn't be able to carry on.

OP posts:
whatwasIgoingtosay · 05/03/2023 17:24
Flowers
Mfsf · 05/03/2023 17:38

I think you need outing , that’s no life for you and your children . Go on universal credit until you are back on your feet if you need too . Even if you have 40k in debt you can then try and negotiate yourself and on UC you will be able to say you cannot pay much towards them for a while so you can at least have breathing space without the financial side constantly putting pressure on you

Maze76 · 05/03/2023 18:22

For the sake of your kids and yourself, end this- your self esteem is being eroded and yes it’s likely that he is still in contact with the ow.

username1722 · 05/03/2023 22:50

Pippa49 · 05/03/2023 17:18

Since I found out about his affair DH has been leaving his work phone at work. He has wiped all evidence of the OW from his phone but I know he will still have contact with her as he uses the kit she is an agent for and both where he works now and where he is going to are on her patch. She also trained in the city where DH is going for his new job. I feel awful every day, repeated panic and anxiety attacks, low self-esteem and if it was not for my kids I wouldn't be able to carry on.

I remember when you first started this thread last year. I'm sad to hear you are still with him. He will destroy your life and your self-confidence. Please just leave him.

Of course he is still in touch with her. He's emotionally invested in her and it's likely he will long for her even more now that the affair is out in the open and he can't as easily sneak around behind your back.

You owe it to yourself and your daughter to leave him. Be a good example to your daughter and show her how to be strong. Otherwise you'll be back here in another 6 months in exactly the same situation.

SarahsApples · 06/03/2023 12:54

So sorry you’re still with him, I remember your thread from last year :( this is destroying you, be an example to your girls and show them this is not how people should be treated.

I remember his messages where he was saying “I well, you know, always” this is more than just an affair he is flirting with language of love and being in love with her.

please please think to the next 20/30 years of your life, you have time to make a fresh start it sounds scary but you deserve better. Can you get counselling / a solicitor and start to think about your plans? Have you told your friends and family?

If they knew you were feeling this low they would want to do anything to pull you out of it, but ultimately only you can help yourself and make the decision to end it x

Original poster
Pippa49 · 06/03/2023 16:27

I agree but at the same time this would destroy my three kids who have been through too much over the past few years. One of them was seriously ill and had major surgery all out of the blue and my youngest (who discovered the affair and bottled it up for 6 months) is the only one at home and is mid Alevels.

Yes the messages were intimate and he has tried to tell me it was all nonsense. The one where he sent her a necklace and said "this is my gift to you because we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other. I know and will always understand you and all that you need...." is the one I come back to when I doubt myself.

No I haven't told anyone apart from my GP who gave me medication and I spoken with a mental health nurse. But I feel ashamed, humiliated and that is why I reached out on here. It is not easy calling an end to 30 years of a relationship, 20 years of it with 3 kids.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 06/03/2023 16:58

@Pippa49 no, it isn’t easy at all after such a long relationship and with kids involved. I’m still with my husband of nearly 35 years, been together nearly 40 years, 20 of them with two kids. He had an affair, emotional and physical, it nearly broke me, and no, it isn’t easy at all to come to a decision. Take your time and weigh it up, but only think about staying if there’s real remorse, honesty, a willingness to be as transparent as possible for a long while, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to help you heal. No blaming you at all, you didn’t make him cheat, it was his choice. If he’s still saying it was because you did/ said or you didn’t do/ say what he thought he needed, then he’s still blaming you and not taking full responsibility for what he did. Absolute no contact with OW is the first basic premise of all this, or your life will be a living hell. Honesty and transparency, or your life will be a living hell. I can’t stress this enough, that it’s a very, very hard decision to make, and a long hard road whichever decision you make, but unless the above is in place then the only route is to end the relationship. Please don’t entertain trying Aga on with him without it, it will eat you alive. I genuinely know what I’m talking about. Take good care of yourself and your family, you all come first and he needs to prove that you do to him, too. Sending love. X

Thewookiemustgo · 06/03/2023 16:59

*again with him

SandyY2K · 07/03/2023 22:31

If I wasn't going to end the marriage for whatever reason, I'd declare it an open one and do what I wanted from now on.

He's still seeing her..just gone LC

Original poster
Pippa49 · 08/03/2023 15:13

He just avoids answering my questions. Says it was all crazy and won't explain why he did what he did and said what he said in his messages to her. I just don't buy it and do suspect he is still seeing her but have no concrete evidence. He is likely to be far more secretive now and can see her at work without me knowing.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 08/03/2023 15:29

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But my greatest sympathy is with your poor daughter who is also burdened by this knowledge.

Talk to people. You will feel better. Shine some light on this. You are not the guilty party. Whatever you decide to do next, don't force her to keep your secret.

ninjasnap · 09/03/2023 23:53

Nothing can be as bad for your children as this fake limbo you are both subjecting them to. Your daughter doesn't deserve to be burdened with this. And you deserve a life independent of a man who is openly cheating on you.

Honestly, why are you still there? How can you stand it? Where is your anger? For yourself, and for your children. Show them you won't put up with this!

ninjasnap · 09/03/2023 23:57

Pippa49 · 06/03/2023 16:27

I agree but at the same time this would destroy my three kids who have been through too much over the past few years. One of them was seriously ill and had major surgery all out of the blue and my youngest (who discovered the affair and bottled it up for 6 months) is the only one at home and is mid Alevels.

Yes the messages were intimate and he has tried to tell me it was all nonsense. The one where he sent her a necklace and said "this is my gift to you because we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other. I know and will always understand you and all that you need...." is the one I come back to when I doubt myself.

No I haven't told anyone apart from my GP who gave me medication and I spoken with a mental health nurse. But I feel ashamed, humiliated and that is why I reached out on here. It is not easy calling an end to 30 years of a relationship, 20 years of it with 3 kids.

Read this again.

Your daughter felt she had to keep this a secret. You are using her as an excuse to not break the family up, when she has been traumatised by your husband's affair and then your reaction to it.

Put. Her. First. Show her what to do. Plan a life with your children after your sham of a marriage. Be strong for them

Thewookiemustgo · 10/03/2023 07:40

I think you take your time, if that is what you want to do. I discovered my husband’s affair a month before one of my children was about to start their GCSEs and the last thing they would have needed then was the trauma of the family breaking up. Unless the atmosphere is dreadful and openly hostile, then I would talk to your daughter, she is an older teen, to check in on her feelings and ask her if she has any questions. Better to try to get her through her exams the best way possible, putting her first might mean taking your time and explaining to your husband that you want to be civil and grown up enough to sort out the situation with as little trauma to her as possible. I doubt her father leaving with weeks to go before the start of her exams will be anywhere near helpful, unless of course she wants him to go. None of this will be easy, but putting her first night mean that if splitting up is the decision, it happens a bit later rather than right now. His selfish behaviour has caused this and he needs to start putting others before himself.

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