Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

Your poor daughters. It must be awful for them to know their dad is cheating and then thinking by telling you they are inflicting pain. I hope they know that they did the right thing.

I think the only reason your H is sorry is because he is afraid to lose his set up at home. Clearly if he can dismiss the OW he was lying to her as well. I think if this was a short affair then the story of it being fantasy would be more believable but he had a lengthy affair.

He has to admit everything and accept he chose to be deceptive and cheat because he wanted to and he decided to be selfish. Usually people who have affairs are very self centred and use an affair to massage their egos. It's why cheaters continue to cheat because it's their coping strategy.

I would struggle with how he dealt with your daughters. That should have been his wake up.

Show your children what people deserve in relationships, and it now. Tell him to leave the house.

The reality is it isn't the physical act of sex, sending flowers or the love letters sent that are the evidence you need to make a decision it's the betrayal and hurt he has caused you. Physical or emotional affairs are just as bad as each other and destroy what you thought you had. It is natural to scramble for some logic in all this and it is very uncomfortable sitting with all the uncertainty but it does get easier. Keep the screenshot as although they are torture you may need to refer back to them in order to remember what a scum bag he is when he is laying the sob story on. I would recommend looking up your local counselling services and see who you feel you may connect with. You can ways call for couples counselling to deal with the facts of the affair however don't neglect yourself in all this. His actions mean you will never love him the same as you have done before the betrayal. You may decide to work on it but do not make any decisions until you start healing and can make a decision for you

*end it now

Now is the time to model self respect and good boundaries to your daughters. Especially your 16yr old.

LTB.

Your poor girls. And you of course, but there comes a time when staying becomes a form of self harm

You need to get some space around you to take it all in.
Can your dd stay with a friend for the weekend while you go away and get some time alone?
You're reeling and his words are cluttering your thoughts, naturally you want to believe none of this counts because if it counts your world is turning upside down, if it doesn't you forgive and move on.

The words in those messages must gave cut your heart out, if there can be a reasonable excuse found those around won't need to be lanced.

But this has happened and life will never be the same again, your next chapter's depends on you being able to make your own choices free from entanglement in BS.

His head as truly turned.

You and your poor dd!

I hope you find dignity

What professional help have you tried to access to no avail OP?

You're not overreacting. What is your internal barometer saying?

-Could you imagine doing the same to him ever?
-How would you feel if this was say, your dad doing this to your mum? (This one always helps to sharpen the mind).

• If you daughter told you this, what would you advise her.
• if a close friend told you this, what would your gut say?

There isn't a line in the sand that says that if it wasn't physical, then you're not justified in asking him to leave.

Presume everyone thinks those messages (above) are enough evidence to make a decision on?

Yes, they absolutely are. I still have a copy of a letter mine sent to the one he was mooning over and honestly it still kills me. In some way it hurts more than anything else he did, because he NEVER said stuff like that to me. I bet yours doesn't say stuff like that to you either? And doesn't constantly send you gifts like he does with her?

You really aren't overreacting. I think this is maybe why you're so desperate to prove that he did or didn't shag her. Because proof he did would be 'enough' and then you wouldn't be overreacting. Well, what you already know IS enough, and you are absolutely not overreacting. He's betrayed you in an awful way, and I'm so sorry. One good thing I can tell you is the hurt does fade, right now it'll feel raw but you WILL feel better. It's easier when you find your anger.

OP you are underreacting. Quite significantly.

In my opinion, (lets just believe the more or less unbelievable for the sake of argument) - if it really and truly is entirely emotional and not in any way physical, if he really wants to stay with you/keep you/re earn your trust he would have/would have to

• keep all of the incriminating text messages/whatsup messages/emails/correspondence (certainly not delete them)
• give them all to you
• agree that you can have a pre agreed period of time away from him to decide what to do
• agree (with the help of a third party counsellor if you want it) to work every single day on re building your trust and proving to you that the only person he has a romantic emotional connection with is you. If that means disclosing or explaining any painful details which you want to know about the above communications, he will man up and do that. He will also accept that you will be angry and indignant possibly for a very long time. He will also accept that you might need to check up on him/he might need to check in with you on your terms for as long as it takes for you to believe he is telling you the truth.

Kick him out the house and crack on with having a lovely independent life.

I'm sorry, he got found out and then took TWO WEEKS to end it??!

Wtf, op?

This is not a man who loves you. I'm so sorry, I know you're heartbroken but actions speak louder than words here.

If he was so keen to end it with her why did he need to be discovered to finish it?

This is what the evidence shows: he has been in a relationship with and fallen in love with someone who means more to him than you do.

He has been with her for 2 years, showering her with expensive gifts and love and when you found out about he needed a full fortnight to end it (apparently- where is the proof that he has?)...The fact that it took him 2 weeks to have a phone call to end it even though his marriage has imploded shows that he values his affair relationship more than his marriage with you.

It shows he had to think about whether he wanted to end it at all (so he can't have been relieved to end it because when youre relieved you dont hesitate), and that the bigger deal to him wasn't his imploding marriage and the betrayal of his wife and daughters, but the prospect of ending it with the other woman.

You don't need anymore evidence to see what's right in front of you.

You don't need evidence of seedy trysts in hotel rooms or receipts showing more of his lies.

At the moment of discovery, he has shown you exactly how he feels and how much you and his life with you means to him.

He checked out of your marriage years ago.

He's nothing more than a lying, selfish coward.

I know this is an enormous shock and that your whole world has been upended. It will take time for you to begin to get your head around the depths of his deception and get used to your new reality and I know in the meantime its deeply confusing. This is why as you grapple to make sense of the last 2 years you need to focus on who is showing you he is right now.

Speak to a divorce lawyer, op. Get your ducks in a row. X

She is only a year younger than me but far more glamorous and clearly no conscience given she knew she would inflict pain on my children one of whom was going through major surgery at the time. She was apparently escapism, exciting, but it was all "unreal". I am am still in the upset and emotionally fragile phase though have said some pretty horrid things about him and her to him.

Not sure I should call her as someone suggested though I do know damn well that she would lose her job if her employer found out - as a rep she is not allowed to have affairs with clients.....and she has done it now at least twice. He also had her on findmyiphone according to my daughter - presumably tracking where she was and whether she was with her other half....oh and I forgot to say that he even asked me to review her contract for a new job during the two years....I am a lawyer....

I am not sure revenge would be a good idea!

OP the other woman is not to blame here - your arsehole husband is

You really need to focus on your husband, OP not the OW.

I agree, but I'd let her sweat anyway wondering if you would.

Your H sounds like a very weak man looking for someone to get him out of this/stop the affair/ whatever. No one forced him into doing this - he made a choice and he was happy running with it until discovery. My experience is that men in this situation initially panic, beg to stay and will minimise everything. They will say they have told you everything but they have not. They also find it very hard to walk away and in many situations some kind of contact will continue eg phoning or texting after they have" finished it". I was also in that category of denial - that she must have tricked him or used him for her own purposes to get at her H who did not have much interest in her. The reality however is that this was a decision he made and followed through on. I could not imagine how I would live afterwards if we divorced as I had never thought I would get divorced. I was fearful of that future. I gave him another chance and he vowed to be a good husband. This lasted for about a year and then he started to get angry and wanting me to saying I forgave him etc/appreciate the life I had with him etc. We limped on for a while longer then he literally just said one day he was leaving and he left. He had already packed some of his stuff. I won't lie and say it was easy - it was awful and took a long time to recover. Fast forward and I am now married to the most wonderful man who is everything that my EXH was not. Everything IS meant for a reason. It's just hard to get through at the time.@Pippa49 you will have to go through the various stages but rest assured that life will be better than any subsequent life with this liar you have now.

Direct your anger at him OP. Not at her.

Fucking hell, she's given him her Apple ID. That's serious commitment. Your daughter is trying to gently point out the obvious.

Don't do this. Get rid of him and show your kids some self respect. He doesn't love you, he's just a dirty liar.

OP, focus on what your husband - the man who made vows to you - has done here. The OW is not your problem. How many times she might have done this is not your problem.

I hope you find your entirely-justified anger with him very soon.

He's lying and men trying to save their arse after affair discovery will tell you anything.

Whilst it hurts unbearably, if he shagged her or not isn't the issue. He is in love with this woman end of. HE HAS NOT FINISHED/ ENDED THE AFFAIR. The longer you believe this and life settles down, the more clever and calculated he will become at hiding it. They will now go to burner phones, secret message apps etc not easily vissible if he shares access with you to his phone.

Your post was my reality word for word a few years ago and stupidly I gave benefit of the doubt and his affair continued for 18 painful months more.

You need to tell him you are done as he is minimising, still being deceitful and not totally open with you. If he reacts angrily to shut you up affair is 100% still alive. Just insist he packs his stuff and leaves. Play hard ball.

You have to insist he phones her in front of you to prove he has ended it if you really are considering reconciling. He needs to show you in every way not just make verbal promises but personally, I wouldn't bother. Your marriage will never be the same. Listening to his pathetic excuses to you, he will adopt victim mentality to justify what he has done including wasting family money on his whore.

I went mad for 18mths, ended up with PTSD as a result of the trust having gone. I tracked his car, checked phone, even drove to his work and by her house. When I finally found out (saw roof of his car behind the gates on her drive he tried for hours to tell me it wasn't him 🙄) - I was done. Wish I had thrown him out right at the start.

Please do not compromise in any way by accepting stonewalling, gaslighting behaviours. This affair is on him, he has disgraced himself totally.

My own kids will never forgive their father as he lied to and humiliated not only me but them by all his cake eating.

You need to focus on YOU right now but I do understand the desire or thought of revenge. That still comes into my mind at times 10 years down the line.

I’m so very sorry to read about this. How devastating. I do think the messages are enough as are the receipts, to know he’s been terribly unfaithful. You really don’t NEED to know anymore. Anymore May in fact just add to your sense of betrayal, hurt and devastation.

seeking some help for yourself is really paramount. If you have private insurance, self refer for a psychiatrist and they’ll refer you to a therapist. Plus you could get prescribed short term (and if needed) long term medication. Refills via your gp.

then please ring round all the divorce firms in your area and in the area to see about free half hour, enquire about fees (blocks his access too). Then please to someone about getting your ducks in a row. I also don’t understand how you can’t get bank statements. If you have an atm card or have the account on your banking app, you can get statements if your name is on the account.

you’ll need these not for proof of affair, you no longer need that for divorce, but you’ll need for divorce/financial order.

while you’re getting some therapy, perhaps also investigate if your daughter needs to speak with someone. Poor girl. What a horrible secrete to have had to keep and go investigate. Hugs to her and to you.

Op are you not livid that he put this huge burden on your poor daughter for 6 months??? I would never forgive that.....
Are you not angry?

I am so sorry.

Sorry OP, this is awful. He’s not being honest (what he’s saying doesn’t add up, deleting texts evidence). Can’t see how you can even begin (re)build trust on this basis. I don’t believe him, but wouldn’t focus on proving the extent of the relationship, waste of your energy and it’s pretty obvious from an objective POV.
Can’t believe how much he’s invested in this OW.
Seems you’ve been through a lot, this is such a betrayal. Just take things at your own pace and put yourself and DC first.