Husband has had an affair

[Pippa49]

Three weeks ago I found out from my 16 year old daughter that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for the past two years with someone he met through work. He claims it to have been an emotional rather than physical relationship but has deleted all messages between them. They were speaking on whatsapp/text/phone daily, he was sending her flowers monthly and other expensive gifts with intimate and emotionally charged messages. I have found some of the receipts for the gifts but he is still being very secretive and claims not to have met her out of work and yet I have seen bookings for restaurants (which he claims to have cancelled)......I am all over the place and wondered if anyone has been through similar and has any guidance.

^ This.
Kick him out.

Right, you need to talk to a colleague in family law asap. My in-laws a shit hot lawyer, they’ve seen this a million times.

I think she’ll find it easier to “release” from him when he turns up with his kids every other weekend.

You'd be crazy to stay!
All the things that happened to you and your children and he was still having a full affair- 100% physically!
Think about how this will effect your DD if you stay

He’s clearly ‘in love’ with this woman, totally infatuated. That is enough, without any further evidence, to base a rational decision on. Doesn’t really matter if she shagged her at this point, although I’d be amazed if he hasn’t.

The Find my IPhone thing is creepy - she’s either shared her Apple ID in which case they have a level of trust and intimacy which goes way beyond a casual affair, or he has somehow got her password and is obsessively stalking her. Either way, not a good man.

He is NOT a good man. His denials and minimisations are actually pathetic. You need to get angry here, angry especially that your poor daughters had to find this out about their own father. That’s disgusting. You need to show them an example here - would you want them to put up with cheating in their own relationships? I think not.

LTB!!!!

Of course he's shagged her.
No way would he give her all those gifts if he wasn't getting his hole.

Can someone just explain how the Apple ID/findmyiphone works as I did not want to cross examine my DD about that?

It. Doesn't. Matter.

As PP, he’s the one you have a marriage contract with and a family, he’s clearly pursued her with expensive gifts. It’s easier to blame her, but rise above it, you have a DH problem.

They were 'Celebrating an anniversary together' - please OP don't allow this man to mug you off any longer!

Find your anger for what he has done to you and your children!

Mine also said he was 'relieved' when affair came out - for all of 2 weeks before HE restarted it. Mine too was a pathetic shallow man totally lacking in integrity.

He cheated. Get rid. You’re not building a case against him and need to collect evidence.
Don't worry about find my iPhone or looking up the OW on social media. Think of you and your beautiful children and get angry at your bastard of a husband who has cheated.
You sound intelligent. You actually sound too lovely. I bet you’re way out of his league. Kick him out. Take yourself out of the picture. If a man did this to one of your daughters, what would you suggest she does? Search for evidence or kick the loser out and make a better life?

I never understand people that seem obsessed just with whether someone was shagging someone else - I found an emotional thing just as bad if not considerably worse to tolerate . My H was writing poems and songs about someone (only 21 too) who worked with us worthy of mills and boon and then recording himself playing those songs. I found it all 10 years after it happened- around 6 yearsago- His biggie to me was that nothing happened - it was all a giant crush at a time he felt very 'down' - his mum was dying so maybe true, maybe not - but I can tell you it hurts like hell seeing their words and knowing I certainly didn't get songs/poems written for me. I have stayed for many reasons , mainly practical ones and we do get on day to day, but if I'm honest OP, if I had found out 'at the time' I would have ended things- I've never really forgiven or forgotten even though he's extremely sorry and it does taint your feelings. It totally killed any romantic/sexual feelings in my case. As I'm 60 though I'm not that bothered, but you may be.

OP your husband isn't who you thought he was. That man will never come back.

He is a cheater and a lier. You will never trust him again.

Divorce him. You deserve better and your children deserve better.

His messages to the OW professed deep love - the message with the Tiffany necklace was:

"Dear [name] This is my gift to you because we are inextricably entwined, linked and unable to release from each other. It matches because I know and will always understand you and all that you need [name] xxx"

One message with some of the flowers said:

"Dear [name] Wherever you are, whatever we are, I just want you to know that I do and always will care. All my love Always"

…..

And you’re waiting for evidence?!? Of what? Either he’s a manipulative lier and won’t adore her forever or he will adore her forever. There’s no way out of this being the end of your relationship. It doesn’t matter if he’s slept with her.

Those messages sound very creepy, I wonder if the ow is happy to receive them, especially if she already has a partner.

Him being happy to end it is obviously a lie, he has been free to end it for the last two years. He was also free not to start it…

This 👆 100%

There's no way he's not shagging her, that's why he's buying the gifts and lavishing attention as he wants the shagging to continue.

You aren't over reacting at all.

You have the silver bullet already, physical or not he let he in to you safe stable relationship and even if was just emotional betrayed you and lied to you. Not once, not for a short time, over and over again. He was a willing participant in the relationship and didn't need you finding out as the impetus to end it. He should never had started it and could have ended it at any point.

There will never be an explanation he can give you to explain what he has done that will help in any way shape or form.

Seeing the extent of his betrayal in the form of messages and money spent will only make it worse for you but as humans we intrinsically need to know even if it just adds to the torture.

It's hard and it doesn't go away.

You need time to process this and you have to decide how you take that time. If you tell him to leave for a period of time will that give you time or will you just then think he may be with her?

So sorry OP. All the emotions you will be feeling right now are completely understandable. You are not overreacting. You are hurting 💐

You need to get the OW out of your thoughts. Easier said than done I know and it will be very hard and will take courage and strength. But, it doesn’t matter who she is. It doesn’t matter how old/young she is. It doesn’t matter what she looks like or how glamorous she is. None of that matters. It is your husband who has broke the vows. It is him that has caused this pain. He has betrayed you.

I promise contacting her place or work or trying to think of any “revenge” will not make you feel any better. It will not change what has happened. Once a cheat always a cheat. That goes for both the OW and him.

Don’t go digging for anymore evidence. That won’t help or make you feel any better either. The damage has been done. You know this and he knows this.

You do not need to make any quick rash decisions going forward right now. You need space and time to process everything. It’s like grief. It will take time. But do please seek legal advice.

If you have any trusted friends/family you can confide in and speak to in person please do that. Do not bottle anything up. Don’t try and put on a brave face for your children. Be completely honest with them. They will be old enough and resilient enough to get through this with you. None of you are alone in this.

Wishing you all the best x

Shagging. But even if not, the emtoajly betrayal and the time, mental energy and money he has spent on someone else is not acceptable.
If she has had a fling with another colleague and is in a relationship she seems the type to get bored quickly. Do you know for sure he ended it with her and not the other way around? As that might be why he's so keen to stay with you-nowhere else to go.
Sorry to be blunt but these fuckers never cease to amaze me in the ways they lie, minimise, and make themselves some tragic blameless character in the melodrama they created because their ego needed a stroke.

I would, as pp have said,ask him to move out for a few weeks (hard I know as you will probably have a bit of hysterical bonding going on-you want them gone, but you want them to stay and be where you can see them and more than anything you want it to be as it was before you knew and them moving out slams the door on that), focus on your daughter who will be feeling all sorts of things.
Give you and her some time and be kind to yourself. It's a terrible shock, but you can and will come through it.

OW didn’t make a commitment or vows to you. She owes you and your children nothing. If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Focus on your husband who DID make those vows and had probably scarred your poor daughter’s entire perception of him (and probably still would be if she didn’t find out). How could OW do this when your kids were unwell or whatever? How could your husband! This is nothing to do with OW. Not really.

Revenge on the OW is weak and it achieves nothing - especially if you’re just going to take your husband back. We all feel bad for you here but you need to shake yourself up a bit and try get some perspective here x

Yes, this. Sorry OP. How utterly devastating to be married to someone so deeply invested in someone else. Hope you find the strength to leave him.

I know you've had loads of good advice but just wanted to add,

No one has an anniversary of a deep friendship, even in inappropriate one.

Your daughter doesnt want you to limp on for her sake - if she wanted to maintain the status quo I doubt she would have told you

If he had nothing to hide he would have been completely transparent. Eg showing you refunds from those hotels he 'cancelled'

Why does it matter if they have had sex or not? Are all the things you know he did acceptable? This man has been declaring his love to another woman, spending money on her and time with her, while boldfaced lying to his family every day. Lying to you. Whether it got physical or not doesn't change any of that.

The silver bullet is the note and Tiffany necklace, but you have a number of silver bullets. Even the kids knew, and it must have taken something for them to have to hold that and later tell you. His behaviour now makes it worse, as if he thinks he can continue to hoodwink you.
‘Find my’ is an app you can share your location on, so as you said they can see where each other is/track each other on a map. That’s different from finding your own phone.

Only person you have an anniversary with is a partner.

Why do women do this to themselves. If it was anyone else you'd tell them to leave.

@Pippa49 this is enough. Those messages right there are enough. Stop the search. You don't need any more evidence. What you need is to process it. He said to her "All my love Always". He loves her.....always...... Even if he says this was a lie later would you believe it? He was not under duress to say it was he! He chose to. So now you know. By his own hand, he will LOVE HER ALWAYS. Time for him to go unless you are happy to share. Whatever he says bow he is discoveted and howls, wails and gnashes his teeth, it is because he doesn't want to leave his cushy situation. Not because he didn't mean what he said to her. If he hadn't been caught it would continue, no doubt it still is. Let's hope all the Tiffany jewellery buys him accomodation at hers, don't think her husband will want to share either though! You don't have to do anything else, just get him out the house and give yourself space and time to think. That is all you need right now. Once the shock and sadness wears off you will begin to feel anger. This is the phase when you will get things done. But until then, block him out, talk to friends and take good good care of yourself and your kids. Hold them close, have movie nights and treats, home spa what have you. Do things you've wanted to do or that you enjoy, see that west end play you've wanted to, take a week off over half term and plan a trip somehere even if just a UK city break. Exercise if you feel like it, it helps boost endorphins and helps you get clarity. Do things just for you and your daughter who clearly needs the TLC as well. Enjoy time together because that is what really matters. He doesn't matter anymore. He is old news. Keep telling yourself that and eventually you will realise how true it is.