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Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
forgotoldusername · 12/09/2022 06:54

Leave him of course. I don't think people's moral standards change. What I did when I was OLD would ask a few questions relating to my red lines. If any was crossed I would tell them and unmatch very very swiftly.

MNCar · 12/09/2022 06:57

How long you been together.
What motivated him to tell you.

What happened to the relationship?

sandgrown · 12/09/2022 06:58

He was a young man in his 20s who had a relationship with a woman who was potentially 18. He left his job to persue the relationship so as long as he was not sacked he was responsible enough to know he could not remain as a teacher and have the relationship.

NiceTwin · 12/09/2022 06:58

It wasn't uncommon back in the day.
I worked with two men, at a school, who had 16 years between them and their spouse's. They both met them when the girls were in 6th form, one of the wives worked at the school too.

Original poster
In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:59

It’s quite a new relationship. He said he wanted to tell me because he didn’t want it to come out further along the line and wanted to give me the chance to make up my own mind. According to him it all fizzled out very quickly on both sides.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 12/09/2022 07:05

I would think what a dickhead to abandon a career for a shag but I don't see any crime committed particularly 20 years ago. Unless you lived those times, it's difficult to appreciate how the moral parameters were slightly different.

I wouldn't end the relationship if otherwise good.

Facecream · 12/09/2022 07:07

How old was the girl/woman?

Bobbybobbins · 12/09/2022 07:08

It's good that he has told you now so you can decide what to do.

I was secondary teaching 20 years ago and I don't think things were any different in this regard.

Scorpio8 · 12/09/2022 07:09

He has been honest with you and it's not now. I don't even think it's anything bad really.
This revelation shouldn't be I got to break up with him. Unless it will affect you both now then everything should be fine.
He opened up to you how do you think he feel if you broke it up.

Motnight · 12/09/2022 07:09

Does he feel regret at his misuse of power? Did he leave teaching?

Avastmehearties · 12/09/2022 07:09

How old was the 6th former and how old was he? Big difference in my mind if he was a 22 year old graduate and 29 going on 30 in terms of whether to see this as a youthful mistake. That said, I'm not sure where that marker would fall in the middle.

Either way I wouldn't like this. Young people don't go to school or 6th form to have teachers looking at them as potential partners. I understand it could have been an age gap of only 4 years but it doesn't suggest very good boundary keeping. I would also wonder how long it went on and how far it got before he made such a big decision.

TooHotToTangoToo · 12/09/2022 07:09

How old were they, if she was 18 and he was early/mid 20s then I can't see an issue. At least he was sensible enough to leave his job. I think it was a daft things to do for a shag, but at that age hardly unsurprising

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/09/2022 07:21

I know this isn't a popular view but our moral code has shifted so much in the last 20-30 years. Things which were far more commonplace and socially acceptable back then are genuinely shocking now.

If he was lusting after a 15yr old that would be one thing, but if in his early 20s, he was starting a relationship with a 17 or 18 yr old, I'd say that was fairly common back then. As a 17 yr old, all my boyfriends were in their 20s, and the same was true of my friends.

I think it can be very difficult when the past and present collide because judging actions by today's standards isn't always fair or helpful. From the few details you've given here, it doesn't sound too bad.

The only thing that's waving a bit of a red flag is why the need for the big confession? None of that sounds like a huge scandal. It makes me think there's more to think than he's admitting....why else would he be making such a big deal out of a brief fling that happened more than two decades ago?

SausagePourHomme · 12/09/2022 07:25

Is it likely he is telling you the warts and all version, or the minimised version that makes him not feel like a bad person. And what's compelling him to tell you, is it too get his story in first before you hear it from elsewhere?

I'd be worried it was worse than he's making it sound.

KangarooKenny · 12/09/2022 07:26

I was 17 when I met my DH who was 25. I can’t see the problem.

drpet49 · 12/09/2022 07:26

sandgrown · 12/09/2022 06:58

He was a young man in his 20s who had a relationship with a woman who was potentially 18. He left his job to persue the relationship so as long as he was not sacked he was responsible enough to know he could not remain as a teacher and have the relationship.

This. He did nothing wrong.

Umbrellabee · 12/09/2022 07:28

This happened in my college, a new teacher, just graduated so probably 22/23 started a relationship with a girl of 17/18. She wasn’t in any of his classes. I thought at the time it was a bit odd but it does happen. He’s been honest with you about it, he left his job rather than continue it as a secret. If this is the whole truth then I don’t see a huge problem. But if you are uncomfortable with it then that is perfectly reasonable and you should end it.

Original poster
In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 07:29

It came up how and when it did because of a comment I made about something I’d read a few days before. It prompted him to tell me as he knew I wouldn’t like it and wanted to give me the opportunity to make my own mind up.

He was mid 20s and she was 17 apparently.

OP posts:
J0y · 12/09/2022 07:32

He said he knew you wouldn't like it. But does he feel remorse? Would he do things differently? Does he feel he was wronged?

Original poster
In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 07:35

He does feel remorse about it. He says now he doesn’t know what he was thinking. He absolutely does not feel that he was the wronged party in any sense.

OP posts:
Middledazedted · 12/09/2022 07:38

Things were different. We had two staff members married to previous students. The relationships started while those students were in school. The old head of ofsted dated a sixth former. Am very glad it has changed but I don’t think it marks him as a predator it could just show he was immature.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 12/09/2022 07:40

I couldn’t get too worked up about it.

One of the problems with younger teachers going into teach secondary is that the age difference between them and the students is so small that they are essentially of the same generation.

It is IMO inevitable that attractions will occur, and in this instance he left the profession to pursue a relationship so I in no way see it as an abuse of power. I don’t know why anyone would. If he’d met her in any other situation no-one would bat an eyelid yet because he’s a teacher he needs to be seen as a paragon of restraint.

When I was 17/18 all my boyfriends were 5/6 years older than me, it’s only now that people seem to see it as a problem if there’s any more than a 6 month gap in a teenage relationship.

AtomicBlondeRose · 12/09/2022 07:42

20 years ago was 2002! I was teaching then, the moral code wasn’t “slightly different” in that respect, trust me.

klipwa · 12/09/2022 07:46

You need to know if he was pushed/ sacked or decided himself to leave. This would make a big difference in how I would view it.

Deux · 12/09/2022 07:48

If people were saying, oh well things were different 40 years ago I’d kind of understand. Around the year 2000 everyone knew this was wrong. So I disagree with the 20 years ago things were different line.

He would have known full well that this was a huge abuse of power at the time it happened. It shows his judgement was skewed at the time.