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Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
Theprimeofmissmulroney · 12/09/2022 09:09

He is a total skeeze. I'm a teacher and I can't imagine a male colleague doing this. Yuck.

IAmAReader · 12/09/2022 09:09

Had an admirer

PurpleWisteria · 12/09/2022 09:10

Musti · 12/09/2022 09:02

Genuinely curious - how did they realise they were both in love? Many of us fancied our geography teacher at our school. Should he have taken advantage?

Show quote history

She had confessed to a crush to the rest of us. He was a genuinely lovely man. A teacher you could talk to easily. We all liked him but not in the same way. She wasn't a naive 18 year old and had had several boyfriends.

In the end she told him and he backed right away for a while. Although nothing had happened.

Then suddenly he'd left and she was being very quiet about him. They got engaged in her final year of university and married the year after.

I don't think he took advantage. She wasn't the sort of girl you could take advantage of, still isn't.

I'm not saying it's always OK but in this case it was.

Thegroaninggurner · 12/09/2022 09:11

Not sure what the problem is he was a young man and he's been honest with you.

ClareBlue · 12/09/2022 09:12

belimoo · 12/09/2022 08:25

I was in sixth form twenty years ago and two of our teachers got together with students in my year. One male teacher and one female.

Both teachers resigned when the students finished sixth form and moved away to another area to continue a relationship with the student.

People saying things weren't different back then are wrong. The school had a very good reputation and this didn't change that. It wasn't seen as a scandal at all.

Sorry this doesn't add up. Why resign when they finished 6th form, that's actually when you don't need to rrsign, why move away if it was no big deal, absolutely no way this wouldn't be a scandal at any school 20 years ago.

CakeMonster1 · 12/09/2022 09:14

MillyWithaY · 12/09/2022 08:59

I wonder how the girl involved feels about it now? Does she feel that he abused his position of power, that she was groomed, that he took advantage of a teenage crush? There are many valid and important reasons that teacher/pupil relationships are classed as a red line, so all of those posters saying they can't see a problem are being wilfully naive. In fact the law is clear on this...

"The law is crystal clear on this issue.
Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, any sexual relationship between someone who is in a position of trust, such as a teacher and a person to whom that trust extends, is criminal."

Most teenage girls experience a crush on a male teacher - I know I did. If he'd pursued me I would have loved it at the time, but I couldn't have handled it in a mature way and it would have messed me up completely. Teachers hold a unique position of trust, and what he did is gross abuse of that trust.

It would be a no from me.

Exactly my thoughts as above comment

I'm sorry but this revelation of his would be a huge deal breaker, it rings alarm bells tbh. A mid 20's teacher getting into a relationship with a 17 year old is not right no matter what way you look at it.

I would dig deeper on this as perhaps he's smoothing the way for more to either come out about this or worried you may discover a lot more about it.

If my 17 year old was in a relationship with a teacher mid to late 20's the adult perpetrator (as that's what they are a predator) wouldn't be teaching again. This girl may just have turned 16. She may have been extremely immature, vulnerable.

Also remember you will only ever have his side of the story....

If I were you, I'd run.

JasmineIndigo · 12/09/2022 09:14

The fact that he has felt the need to tell you I think means there is more to this and he is trying to control the narrative - did he leave the teaching profession of his own free will, or was he sacked after being found out?

Badger1970 · 12/09/2022 09:15

It was fairly common at school in the late 80s, I can think of 3 students at least that had relationships with teachers. One teacher was in his 40s ......... and really should have known better.

I wouldn't judge him, tbh. He was in his 20s, she was 17. It was foolish but it wasn't criminal. I was 18, DH was 26 when we met.

CakeMonster1 · 12/09/2022 09:16

And will you ever know deep down that it was a sixth former and not younger?

Big red flag regardless even if she was 17.

sponsabillaries · 12/09/2022 09:18

belimoo · 12/09/2022 08:25

I was in sixth form twenty years ago and two of our teachers got together with students in my year. One male teacher and one female.

Both teachers resigned when the students finished sixth form and moved away to another area to continue a relationship with the student.

People saying things weren't different back then are wrong. The school had a very good reputation and this didn't change that. It wasn't seen as a scandal at all.

If there was really no scandal, and no taboo, then they wouldn't have had to resign or move away, would they?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 12/09/2022 09:18

"The law is crystal clear on this issue.
Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, any sexual relationship between someone who is in a position of trust, such as a teacher and a person to whom that trust extends, is criminal."

But this predates that act, so it wasn't so obvious.
However, the issue is with him being a teacher. Most of the girls I knew at 17 were chasing men up to 25yo. They weren't predators, they're basically the same generation.

Musti · 12/09/2022 09:19

PurpleWisteria · 12/09/2022 09:10

She had confessed to a crush to the rest of us. He was a genuinely lovely man. A teacher you could talk to easily. We all liked him but not in the same way. She wasn't a naive 18 year old and had had several boyfriends.

In the end she told him and he backed right away for a while. Although nothing had happened.

Then suddenly he'd left and she was being very quiet about him. They got engaged in her final year of university and married the year after.

I don't think he took advantage. She wasn't the sort of girl you could take advantage of, still isn't.

I'm not saying it's always OK but in this case it was.

Show quote history

What do you mean she wasn’t the sort of girl who could be taken advantage of? Clearly he did! She obviously had a secret relationship with him. Went to uni and instead of developing her own person, travelling etc, she was stuck in an adult relationship.

My son told me that a few of his friends had a crush on me at aged 16/17. Now at 19/20 they don’t. I can imagine an adult starting something when their young and not letting them mature on their own with people their own age and stage in life.

SuspiciousBanana · 12/09/2022 09:20

At least he left the profession! Mid 20s with a 17 year old, still at school. Well it’s over the age of consent and you can leave school at 16.

he was young and stupid and now he’s middle aged and honest with you about it.

if you’re asking on mumsnet then you’re probably unsure about the relationship anyway?

itsatringthing · 12/09/2022 09:20

When I was 17 I would have called myself fairly mature. I'd been working for two years alongside school. I did date guys with that age difference.

Looking back there was always an imbalance of power. No matter how worldly wise a teenager thinks they are

It's more concerning to me that he was in a position of power and trust. Surely as a teacher it's a line you just don't cross.

Was he asked to leave? Did he quit purely to pursue this relationship?

What did he end up doing for a career? Anything involving young people?

diddl · 12/09/2022 09:22

Did he choose to leave or did he have to?

Throwing away a career to have a relationship with a child??!!

BuildersTeaMaker · 12/09/2022 09:22

SausagePourHomme · 12/09/2022 07:25

Is it likely he is telling you the warts and all version, or the minimised version that makes him not feel like a bad person. And what's compelling him to tell you, is it too get his story in first before you hear it from elsewhere?

I'd be worried it was worse than he's making it sound.

Yep, if it was all above board why tell you? It isn’t like it would come out later …why would it really matter? Ok, if he told you becuase you were generally chatting about past relationships and how they arose/ended and he added this in as a “anecdote” fair enough, if you were talking about the worst mistakes in your life, fair enough. But if he just bought it up as a “you need to know this” I’d be very suspicious- it’s more likely that there is something else going on that he wants to get his version in first.

whoohoodoodoo · 12/09/2022 09:24

Deux · 12/09/2022 07:48

If people were saying, oh well things were different 40 years ago I’d kind of understand. Around the year 2000 everyone knew this was wrong. So I disagree with the 20 years ago things were different line.

He would have known full well that this was a huge abuse of power at the time it happened. It shows his judgement was skewed at the time.

I was at secondary school in 2002 and we had a sixth form teacher in a relationship with the head girl of 6th form. Went on for a long time. Everyone knew. So I don't think that's quite true

Opentooffers · 12/09/2022 09:24

I'm not buying his version. Somehow I doubt someone would leave their chosen career to pursue something that just fizzles out in a short space of time.
More likely the relationship happened first, he got told to leave or sacked, and in the fallout, under pressure from gossip or her family, they split up.

mam0918 · 12/09/2022 09:24

I never really understood girls who fancied the teacher and would compare who was 'most handsome' but I will admit our english teacher was young, early 20s (I think only like 23) and he was really down to earth, funny, nice and we had lots in common.

While I wouldn't have dated him (I had terrible taste in men and prefered my twats more useless back then lol) I totally would have been friends with him out of school, like if I bumped into him at a gig (same taste in music) I would have a friendly drink and chat etc... and I could never imagine that with any of the other old fart teachers at my school.

I could see how a young teacher and an older student could develope a relationship.

It's the 14 year old girls that use to gush of 30-40 something married teachers (who in there defense never led them on recipocated) as if the where prince charming that use to confuse the hell out of me - I would think 'hes litrally the same age as your dad' lol.

ancientgran · 12/09/2022 09:26

The French must find it OK considering the age gap with Macron and his wife, it's over 20 years isn't it and he was 15 when it started so she was at least mid 30s. Now that is an age gap.

Rewis · 12/09/2022 09:29

Did he leave teaching before doing anything with the student or did he do something with the student and left because he knew he would be in trouble?

greentitbirdnotboob · 12/09/2022 09:29

Surprised people here are saying things were a lot different 20 years ago. I was a 6th former around 20 years ago, and having a relationship with a teacher then was still weird, or illegal, depending on the age difference. But if it’s the way he described it, I’m not sure if that would even be frowned upon now. A ten year age gap isnt so unusual if both are above the age of consent.

But the fact that he thinks this might come back to haunt him, such that he feels the need to warn you, makes me think it maybe wasnt as legit as he’s making out.

GlitterB0mb · 12/09/2022 09:30

How was this ok 20 years ago?! A teacher was fired at my school for doing something similar in 2000!

IrisVersicolor · 12/09/2022 09:30

He was in his 20s, so no major age gap, he left his job so no laws/rules were broken, she was late teens and can make up her own mind.

I don’t think all student teacher relationships are the same:

We had 2 predatory middle-aged married teachers who serially picked off 15 year olds. That to me is unforgivable.

But I had a friend who had a long term relationship with a man who was originally her art teacher in his 20s, he left his job to pursue the relationship. They were together 15 years and very happy. There was no coercion or grooming involved.

Rewis · 12/09/2022 09:31

While what he did was morally wrong. I also don't think he has to stay single for the rest if his life because at the age of 25 he made a terrible judgement call. Assuming this is not a pattern.