Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
toooldtodate · 12/09/2022 07:50

If you take him being a teacher of the equation then what's he done really?

Greenfinch7 · 12/09/2022 07:54

I think it's pretty good that he told you this himself and that he understands now how wrong it was. Can people change and grow up between 25 and 45?

I would want to know if he is being honest though, with exact dates and real circumstances. So: how old is he now? what year did he resign? did he resign or get kicked out?

If he was 28 when it happened and is now 42, I would not like the fudging and squirming out of facing reality.

Clymene · 12/09/2022 07:56

Yeah 40 years ago this was ok. 20 years ago it wasn't

smileandsing · 12/09/2022 07:57

Why is everyone saying things were different back then, as if it were 100 years ago? They weren't different.
A teacher in our school started a relationship with a former student not long after she left school (at least 30 years ago). He was 10+ years older than her. They married eventually but it remained controversial.

Your DP should have had the mindset as a teacher teacher that dating students is a definite no and not even entertained the idea, never mind giving up his career for the forbidden fruit. That said, people make mistakes and it was a long time ago. Only you can decide if you're ok with it OP.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 12/09/2022 08:00

I'm friends with woman, now in her 50s, who met her DH when he was a teacher though he never taught her. She was 17. They waited to date until she'd left school.

autienotnaughty · 12/09/2022 08:04

Are you sure that's the whole story? Do you trust him? It's not great, the fact that she was under 18 and he was mid twenties.

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2022 08:04

He quite clearly wasn’t the wronged party so no points for that op

This would give me the ick; he was at best naive and inappropriate, at worst predatory

Musti · 12/09/2022 08:06

Despite the small age difference, how does that even happen? I have teenage daughters and want them to be able to go to school knowing that an adult won’t be lusting after them and taking advantage of their power.

How do teachers get to know 6th formers beyond teaching them that they can start a relationship? I only saw my teachers in classes.

And it is weird a 25 year old going out with a 17 year old. They’re planets apart in maturity.

Musti · 12/09/2022 08:08

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 12/09/2022 08:00

I'm friends with woman, now in her 50s, who met her DH when he was a teacher though he never taught her. She was 17. They waited to date until she'd left school.

So what, how did they communicate? And as a teen I would have found that exciting.

As an adult it is yucky.

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 08:11

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:59

It’s quite a new relationship. He said he wanted to tell me because he didn’t want it to come out further along the line and wanted to give me the chance to make up my own mind. According to him it all fizzled out very quickly on both sides.

So basically he's admitting that he's aware a lot of people would find it utterly immoral that he was in a position of trust and tactically left his job so that he could persue an inappropriate relationship. You'll probably find he's given you the sanitised version and it was the other way round, I bet he didn't leave the job until AFTER he got in her knickers because he knew he'd get sacked if it came out. How are you ever going to trust him around younger girls in future?

21secondstogo · 12/09/2022 08:12

So presumably he was in the same school as the girl? Definitely out of order even in those days (been teaching for nearly 30 years and I don’t know any examples of this.)

Redqueenheart · 12/09/2022 08:13

I would be suspicious of this.

First, why did he have to tell you? could it be that the true story is very different: for example did he get himself in trouble with the police, did the girl's parents report him, was he sacked by the school and so on.

He might be trying to spin you a different tale before you hear it from someone else.

A teacher in his mid-20s going after an under-18 schoolgirl shows a serious lack of judgement. Sorry.

Also the fact that he says it ''fizzled out'' quickly would make me even more suspicious: why leave your job and put your career in general at risk for a passing infatuation?. My feeling would be that he was sacked and that he is not telling the truth.

IMustMakeAmends · 12/09/2022 08:15

I wouldn't really care about this!

OGLittlePickerWithTheMassiveKnickers · 12/09/2022 08:15

Weird, but really depends on which end of his 20s he was. So how old was he? If he was 22, maybe I could get past it. If he was 29 then f**k no.

itsnotmeitsdefinitelyyou · 12/09/2022 08:16

The issue I'd have is whether you can trust you're getting the truth / whole story.

If it genuinely played out the way you've described in your OP then I'd be ok with it.

Twenty years is a long time to grow, learn and change.

And people in their 20's do stupid things.

People of all ages do stupid things, especially when sex is involved!

KILM · 12/09/2022 08:17

Mid 20's with 17? Yeah, unacceptable. Even at 21, 17 year olds were babies to me. He was old enough to know better but he did it anyway. Why wasnt he put off by the fact she was 17? I know lots of people are like 'well thats the same age gap between me and my husband' (because its always younger girl older man isnt it...) but we were all mid 20s once, and we all know 17 year olds seem like children in comparison to our peers. If he was 20, maybe this would be forgiveable but any older than that its just creepy.

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Deux · 12/09/2022 08:19

Google search his name and see what comes up. It sounds really fishy especially if he was mid 20s. You’d think he’d have been pretty sure of his feelings and hers and the longevity of the relationship to jack i. A whole teaching career.

IMustMakeAmends · 12/09/2022 08:20

I suppose we don't all have morals xx

No, I guess not. I still try not to be a total dick though xx

britneyisfree · 12/09/2022 08:20

Only you can decide how you feel op.

My perspective on these types of things has shifted massively in the last few years. I dated much older men at that age too. Now I think they were basically predators and shouldn't have come any where near me.

4 years ago I wouldn't have cared, now I'd not want to be with a man who could do that.

BobMortimersPocketMeat · 12/09/2022 08:22

I think I might feel differently if they had no relationship until after he stopped trenching, and therefore didn’t abuse his position. Was this the case? Or did he have to leave after he got caught? The fact he presumably has never gone back to teaching probably means it was the latter.

I don’t think I could live with it, either way. It shows a lack of character for me, and poor judgment. Even at mid-twenties I think all my friends were more emotionally developed than this. None of them would have done something quite so stupid and damaging. I feel sorry for the girl. She had no power in this situation.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 12/09/2022 08:23

Not sure who it is that’s being evasive he was mid 20s she was 17 apparently. 🫤
How old was the girl - was she 16, lower 6th/17 lower 6th/17 upper 6th? And what does he/you class as mid-20s? 23-27?? Because if you’re looking at a student who’s just turned 17 being pursued by a teacher potentially 10 years older, that’s not ok.
I would wonder why he thinks it’s likely to come out at some later point too - is he crafting an “acceptable” narrative for you now as damage limitation?

Clymene · 12/09/2022 08:24

I'm assuming he's not in his 60s so yes, I expect he was kicked out of teaching rather than chose to leave. He's probably worried you'll find out in press coverage

belimoo · 12/09/2022 08:25

I was in sixth form twenty years ago and two of our teachers got together with students in my year. One male teacher and one female.

Both teachers resigned when the students finished sixth form and moved away to another area to continue a relationship with the student.

People saying things weren't different back then are wrong. The school had a very good reputation and this didn't change that. It wasn't seen as a scandal at all.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 12/09/2022 08:25

toooldtodate · 12/09/2022 07:50

If you take him being a teacher of the equation then what's he done really?

Nothing but then you are removing the position of power which is a massive issue.