Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/09/2022 10:08

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 12/09/2022 09:57

17 to mid 20s is not a big age gap. When I was 17 I had a lovely 24 yr old boyfriend.

The teacher thing would be gross but he quit his job so he could date her, that’s principled.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this at all.

Genuinely shocked at that. My DSs and their friends are early to mid 20s and wouldn't dream of dating a 17 year old. It's highly frowned upon, and anyone who thought otherwise would soon find themselves with a label most men would prefer not to be given.
Attitudes were definitely different in previous decades (These were the days when Bill Wyman got away with his relationship with the 13 year old Mandy Smith, so the bar was very low) but thankfully things seemed to have moved on and its a rare and odd young man who would date a 'school girl' these days. In my circle at least.

MistyRock · 12/09/2022 10:08

AtomicBlondeRose · 12/09/2022 07:42

20 years ago was 2002! I was teaching then, the moral code wasn’t “slightly different” in that respect, trust me.

Agreed. Not where I came from anyway!

PurpleWisteria · 12/09/2022 10:13

@Musti

What do you mean she wasn’t the sort of girl who could be taken advantage of? Clearly he did!

Did you read what I wrote? Of course he didn't. When she told him how she felt he backed away rapidly. How is that taking advantage? There was no secret romance but a private one developed. He spoke to her parents before asking her out properly.

If I'm honest she was far more experienced in the ways of "courtship" than he was. She'd laugh in your face if you told her she'd been taken advantage of.

Went to uni and instead of developing her own person, travelling etc, she was stuck in an adult relationship.

We are in our 70s. Gap years didn't happen in our day. I married a man I started dating in the VIth form and he was in his second year of university. I think I developed as an adult just fine, as did my friend. I have never considered myself stuck in my marriage and neither does she.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/09/2022 10:14

20 years ago was 2002! I was teaching then, the moral code wasn’t “slightly different” in that respect, trust me.

Yeah that. I started not long after and there was no way this wasn't known to be really, really wrong.

That said, 20 years is a long time and people change. I wouldn't like to be judged on fuckups from then.

BobMortimersPocketMeat · 12/09/2022 10:14

PixellatedPixie · 12/09/2022 10:04

Two main things stand out for me here. Firstly, the fact that he specially told you this to me means that he is a responsible, caring adult and that he clearly sees you as a potential long term partner who he values and respects. Many people wouldn’t mention it because they would chalk it off as something they did when they were young and dumb.

Secondly, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice being a teacher to be with this person says to me that he was quite immature but also quite a romantic. If he had enjoyed the power play between them he would’ve arguably kept the job and tried to keep the relationship on the side?

I see those two things entirely differently.

He has told the OP because it was much more sleazy and shocking than he’s painted it, and anyone she meets who knows him is going to tell her the full story and not his edited highlights.

Secondly, he isn’t a romantic if he had an affair with a child for whom he was in loco parentis. He’s someone with boundary issues and questionable moral judgment.

SpaceshiptoMars · 12/09/2022 10:15

August 2022 - Soham murders. There was a sea change in thinking after that. Lots of rules around children tightened up as a result.

When exactly was it? Where was it? Schools in areas where people marry young may have had a less disciplined approach.

chocaholic73 · 12/09/2022 10:15

I don't see the problem. It was 20 years ago. He left his job to continue the relationship. Possibly not a great career move but up to him. She was over 16 and could have been 18. When I was early twenties, I had a male teacher friend who was going out with a girl who was in the sixth form - not the sixth form where he worked but same idea. Wasn't a problem then, shouldn't be now.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/09/2022 10:17

This may not have been in place when OP's boyfriend decided to date his 17 year old pupil

Similar laws were in place when I trained. We all knew shagging anyone under 19 in FTE carried a risk of jail, to the point of being warned to be cautious on nights out. Being able to keep it in your pants is a very basic job requirement for teaching.

LongLivedQueen · 12/09/2022 10:17

chocaholic73 · 12/09/2022 10:15

I don't see the problem. It was 20 years ago. He left his job to continue the relationship. Possibly not a great career move but up to him. She was over 16 and could have been 18. When I was early twenties, I had a male teacher friend who was going out with a girl who was in the sixth form - not the sixth form where he worked but same idea. Wasn't a problem then, shouldn't be now.

How can anyone not see the problem? How can you possibly think that its ok for teachers, in a position of power, to fuck children in their care, even if those children are 16 or over?
In short, what is actually wrong with you? And do you ever have contact with children?

WarmChocolateFudgeCake · 12/09/2022 10:18

Prince Charles met Diana when she was 16 and started dating her at 18, he was 33/34, no one seemed to mind about that... oops no I got confused if you are royal it's OK to pursue barely legal girls, I hear his brother liked them young too 😏

MistyRock · 12/09/2022 10:18

I would personally call any teacher who dates a student a sexual predator, regardless if he left (was sacked) his profession to be with her (how romantic). I wouldn't trust him or touch him with a barge pole. He had a choice and he chose to pursue a relationship with a teenage student. No teacher worth their salt would ever find a student sexually attractive. I wonder how many other students he groomed before he got caught out?

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 12/09/2022 10:19

I would let it go. Mid 20s would have seemed very old to me as a 17 year old but doesn't mean in this case that there was anything dodgy. It was mutual and it fizzled out. If he seems decent (and he sounds it) I would put it in the past and move on.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/09/2022 10:23

Prince Charles met Diana when she was 16 and started dating her at 18, he was 33/34

Christ, I would hope OP has more self respect than to date someone like Charles.

StBernie · 12/09/2022 10:24

Why are people only focusing on the ages here? Surely it’s the fact that he was her teacher and therefore it’s an abuse of power that’s the issue. For them to have gotten into a relationship in the first place he must have been flirting with her whilst still being her teacher. It’s totally wrong and not at all comparable to people that met their spouses at similar ages because those spouses were not your teacher!

MistyRock · 12/09/2022 10:25

WarmChocolateFudgeCake · 12/09/2022 10:18

Prince Charles met Diana when she was 16 and started dating her at 18, he was 33/34, no one seemed to mind about that... oops no I got confused if you are royal it's OK to pursue barely legal girls, I hear his brother liked them young too 😏

I can't remember Prince Charles being a teacher at Diana's school. How did miss that!

Magenta82 · 12/09/2022 10:26

About 25 years ago my cousin dated her teacher, after she left school he came to family events. Most of us thought it was wierd and inappropriate.

Goldencarp · 12/09/2022 10:41

sandgrown · 12/09/2022 06:58

He was a young man in his 20s who had a relationship with a woman who was potentially 18. He left his job to persue the relationship so as long as he was not sacked he was responsible enough to know he could not remain as a teacher and have the relationship.

This!

BobDear · 12/09/2022 10:44

OP I"m wondering if you had been talking about the Chris Dawson case for this to come up? If so, I'd try and separate the two and view your boyfriend's situation on its own merit.

Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and I can see why you are struggling. We know have more awareness and can see he abused his position of power, but back then we didn't have terms like 'predatory' and 'grooming' and your boyfriend may have even thought himself 'honourable' to leave his position to have a relationship with someone with a three or four year age gap - which seems fine on paper. He isn't necessarily predatory but he may be...

I would ask more questions. And I do wonder if there was more to it as he seems to be worried about you 'finding out' - but perhaps not.

Give yourself permission to go with your gut. If you decide he has grown and learned and this is not a pattern of behaviour and you want to pursue the relationship - that is fine. If you decide you can't move forward, that is also ok.

FigTreeInEurope · 12/09/2022 10:47

My mate did this. He's been married 20 years now, not to the student, and he's a great husband and dad. He's appalled with himself with hindsight, but we all do dumb ass things in our youth. Many people change completely over a few decades.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/09/2022 10:47

Like others I'd wonder if you're getting the full story, since if he chose to leave in order to pursue this there's no real scandal to "get his story in first" about.
However there's the question of how far things had gone before he left, and whether he really did resign or was persuaded to leave or even downright sacked

And those are things I'd want to know a lot more about before drawing any conclusions

Johnnysgirl · 12/09/2022 10:47

Did he leave his job, or (as your op implies) teaching as a whole? If the latter, I imagine there's a lot more to the story than he's letting on.
Sounds like he was sacked and struggled to overcome the stigma/poor reference within the profession.

theinkblacktart · 12/09/2022 10:48

I think this would put me right off- it's a bit gross.

My horrible ex-H groomed a student and dated her after I left him- 14 year age gap. I don't think they had sex until after she left school, but it's still grim.

I would need to know circumstances- If he was ever her teacher, I would run.

If they met outside school, were attracted, she was over 18, and he was 22, and then he realised she was in his school, but he'd never come across her, then maybe I could get over it.

But teachers shagging pupils is just disgusting. It was disgusting in 2002, and it's disgusting now. Just because people turned a blind eye to grooming doesn't make it ok.

theinkblacktart · 12/09/2022 10:51

PS, my horrible ex had to leave that school. He's still in teaching. So I wouldn't take still being in teaching as a sign of innocence, it's possibly just that he's learned to hide his creepiness better.

Are you younger than him? Is he still chasing younger women?

pickledpotato · 12/09/2022 10:51

StBernie · 12/09/2022 10:24

Why are people only focusing on the ages here? Surely it’s the fact that he was her teacher and therefore it’s an abuse of power that’s the issue. For them to have gotten into a relationship in the first place he must have been flirting with her whilst still being her teacher. It’s totally wrong and not at all comparable to people that met their spouses at similar ages because those spouses were not your teacher!

Because abuse of power is quite weak a reason to argue on this point

As teachers at 6th form don't really have 'power' over anyone

Students have a lot of autonomy compared to at secondary, teachers aren't the ones deciding grades, having a teacher in your pocket doesn't have the same weight to it in 6th form compared to other year groups.

Abuse of power definitely depends on context, and that's what many seem to forget when bleating on about it

MissingNashville · 12/09/2022 10:53

I wouldn’t need to ask any more questions, I’d end it.

He was a teacher in his mid 20s that abused his power. This wasn’t some teenage mistake he’s confessed to, he had been an adult for years and had a responsible job. She was a child. If he’s someone that can do that, I could never trust him. He lacks boundaries and good decision making at the very least and he’s capable of taking advantage of children he is supposed to look out for. So wrong and 20 year makes no difference. Could you have done something like that 20 years ago? I’m guessing not as you’re struggling with it. That’s because good, normal people don’t do really bad stuff like that.