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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:42

Doesn't it just @Doingprettywellthanks, it's all completely fine and not a huge power imbalance until it's their child (yes a 17 year old is legally a child) a teacher wants to date, kiss and shag.

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 16:45

wellhelloitsme · 12/09/2022 16:42

Doesn't it just @Doingprettywellthanks, it's all completely fine and not a huge power imbalance until it's their child (yes a 17 year old is legally a child) a teacher wants to date, kiss and shag.

And that’s not just the tip of it.

it suggests a “fuck it” attitude when it comes to his penis

Gotmynewshoes · 12/09/2022 16:47

This happened to my friends just over 20 years ago. She still feels messed up about it. It's the position of power, not the age difference.

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 16:47

He’s in his mid forties
reasonable to presume op in same age bracket (although given his history…)

so I reckon children / early teens will be factors

but I doubt that will feature in the OP’s thought. Rarely seems to it seems on this kind of thread

HesterAndPearlInBrightSunshine · 12/09/2022 16:48

The girl may have reached out to him to let him know about all the ways it fucked her up longterm and he wants to get ahead of it before OP finds out...
There's an interesting docuseries on Hulu, Keep This Between Us (may be on Disney+ in the UK) about an American woman doing just that 20 years later.
Perhaps he does feel bad about what happened because he had more life experience, because the whole setup is toxic... Those relationships are sadly pretty much always destructive.

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 16:50

shit - he might still be a teacher.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/09/2022 17:11

maddy68 · 12/09/2022 14:41

It wouldn't bother me on this incidence alone as a young foolish man and he has been honest with you

Potentially he could have been just a couple of years older than her and it was pretty common then (not that it's ok!)

It was absolutely unacceptable by the mid 80s.

Froggyeye · 12/09/2022 17:41

As you can see from Macron and Brigitte, this was so common in the past that now the french president makes no effort to explain or excuse it.

sponsabillaries · 12/09/2022 18:17

Froggyeye · 12/09/2022 17:41

As you can see from Macron and Brigitte, this was so common in the past that now the french president makes no effort to explain or excuse it.

And the fact that you know about it means that it was considered a sufficiently salacious detail to be internationally newsworthy. I doubt many people in the UK know how François Hollande met any of his partners.

Deux · 12/09/2022 18:23

Froggyeye · 12/09/2022 17:41

As you can see from Macron and Brigitte, this was so common in the past that now the french president makes no effort to explain or excuse it.

Oh give over. It wasn’t remotely common. Macron and his wife is creepy and sleazy and that’s why we know about it. They look ridiculous together.

Original poster
In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 20:45

Thank you for your responses and insights. It’s over. It’s not something I could ever live with.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to post.

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 12/09/2022 21:36

Sorry it didn't work out, OP, for what it's worth I think I would've done the same. 💐

Musti · 12/09/2022 21:38

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 20:45

Thank you for your responses and insights. It’s over. It’s not something I could ever live with.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to post.

You did the right thing

Kualma · 12/09/2022 21:38

LTB OP! Who knows what else he has done! Disgusting.

User110922 · 12/09/2022 22:18

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 20:45

Thank you for your responses and insights. It’s over. It’s not something I could ever live with.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to post.

You've done the right thing. I wouldn't be able to stomach that kind of confession because even though it was years ago, it would immediately put doubts in my mind about his character and what sort of man he is.

ChrisTrepidation · 13/09/2022 04:34

You've done the right thing op.

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 09:34

chocaholic73 · 12/09/2022 14:31

Do you have to be so rude? There is nothing wrong with me. I have children (now adults) and have worked in volunteer roles with children in the past. The girl could have been 18 (we don't actually know). If not, not far off it. It's a fair assumption, that the man was probably early twenties at the time, not long out of college. He was not just having sex with her, he was in a relationship with the girl. It sounds as if, when he got into a relationship with her, he did the decent thing and left his role at the school.

Show quote history

Rude?Have a look at your prioroties! We do know her age, she was 17. He was mid 20s.
He was illegally fucking a school kid in his care.

I'm gald you no longer volunteer with children.

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 09:35

Indifferent59 · 12/09/2022 14:38

Would it be possible for some members not to use swearing words - polite request. Thank you.

No it would not be at all possible.

People here are trying to sanitise this vile behaviour. It's not "dating a young woman" it is "fucking school children in your care".

We need to be clear on what we are actually talking about here.

MissingNashville · 13/09/2022 09:55

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 20:45

Thank you for your responses and insights. It’s over. It’s not something I could ever live with.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to post.

You’ve done the right thing OP. 💐

Motnight · 13/09/2022 11:11

You have made the right decision, Op.

theinkblacktart · 13/09/2022 13:02

Best wishes, OP, and hope you find someone good soon.

MistyRock · 13/09/2022 13:23

@LongLivedQueen you've got it spot on! I agree with everything you've said.

mycatisannoying · 13/09/2022 16:21

I wouldn't like this at ALL. He had his eye on a young girl while in a position of power (and a good few years older).
The fact that he then left teaching is irrelevant. He had to know that this girl was worth jacking in his career for, so something must have happened while he was still in it.

Darbs76 · 13/09/2022 16:24

I agree with things being different. I was 18 and sleeping with my law lecturer. Not ideal, and it would be massively frowned upon now (I mean it would be then too as we had to sneak around). It wouldn’t bother me - I’d be glad he told me now

mycatisannoying · 13/09/2022 16:25

Well-done OP. Right decision made 👍

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