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Original poster

Boyfriend told me something bad

284 replies

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 06:50

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

OP posts:
pickledpotato · 12/09/2022 08:27

I'd genuinely have 0 issue with this

But this is MN where 90% of people will pretend to not understand what a 25 year old will see in a 17/18 year old yada yada

BobMortimersPocketMeat · 12/09/2022 08:32

pickledpotato · 12/09/2022 08:27

I'd genuinely have 0 issue with this

But this is MN where 90% of people will pretend to not understand what a 25 year old will see in a 17/18 year old yada yada

I can see exactly what a 25 year old would see in a 17 year old, and why a17 year old might be attracted to the idea.

What I struggle with is why any normal 25 year old would act on it and potentially ruin both their lives.

Original poster
In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 08:32

Think I have more questions to ask him. I was just so surprised by this that I didn’t ask everything I need to. Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
Boreded · 12/09/2022 08:38

Motnight · 12/09/2022 07:09

Does he feel regret at his misuse of power? Did he leave teaching?

Read the post. He left teaching to pursue the relationship…ffs

BeyondMyWits · 12/09/2022 08:40

It is the "position of trust" thing.

In the late 90s early 00s there was a change in a law about position of trust even when over the age of consent. He may have been caught up in that ?

potniatheron · 12/09/2022 08:41

LuckyLil · 12/09/2022 08:11

So basically he's admitting that he's aware a lot of people would find it utterly immoral that he was in a position of trust and tactically left his job so that he could persue an inappropriate relationship. You'll probably find he's given you the sanitised version and it was the other way round, I bet he didn't leave the job until AFTER he got in her knickers because he knew he'd get sacked if it came out. How are you ever going to trust him around younger girls in future?

Show quote history

I agree with this, the fact that he's made a thing of telling you implies that it was a big scandal and he wants to get in first with his sanitised version.

I think you might end up finding out that she was a bit younger than 17 and he was in his later 20s.

I had a brief relationship with a 26 year old when I was 17 and the power and knowledge and life experience imbalance was a joke. It's not like 40 and 48. There's a lot of changes and rapid maturing that take place between teens and 20s.

EmEllGee · 12/09/2022 08:41

@In2minds88

I also wonder if you are getting the full picture.

It seems strange to give up your career based on something that fizzled out quickly.

And the age difference is kind of on the borders of what ‘might’ be ok…

I’d need to know more about it.

And even 20 years ago, teachers have a duty of care to their pupils - and this must have caused a fair bit of emotional distress to a pupil who was studying for exams.

OurChristmasMiracle · 12/09/2022 08:43

For me it would be a no. There was a significant age gap of several years and he was in a position of power which he abused. I would also put money on it that he left teaching as it was clear it would come out and he would have lost his job anyway.

I would also be questioning how old this student was when it started- she may have been 17 when he left teaching but it could have been going on to a while before that.

It would be enough for me to end that relationship.

pickledpotato · 12/09/2022 08:43

EmEllGee · 12/09/2022 08:41

@In2minds88

I also wonder if you are getting the full picture.

It seems strange to give up your career based on something that fizzled out quickly.

And the age difference is kind of on the borders of what ‘might’ be ok…

I’d need to know more about it.

And even 20 years ago, teachers have a duty of care to their pupils - and this must have caused a fair bit of emotional distress to a pupil who was studying for exams.

Emotional distress?

Pull the other one, most teen boys are shit at sex, one of the main reasons I always dated much older until I hit 22 when the men my age had gone through their awkward missionary stage.

The issue is MN isn't representative on this topic for a myriad of reasons

Wbeezer · 12/09/2022 08:47

İ was teaching in 1996, my HOD was in his mid twenties, his wife had her first baby, she was 21, they met when she was in sixth form and he was an NQT (at a bboarding school). It was common knowledge and didn't seem to have harmed his career at that point. I googled and they are still married.
I actually know two other long standing marriages that started the same way with bigger age gaps I think its sensible to have policies to discourage relationships but not necessary to brand all those involved as predatory or creepy.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/09/2022 08:55

He fell for a pupil a few years younger so left teaching to pursue the relationship, can't really see what he did wrong.

If he was sacked for having a relationship with a pupil then that's a different matter.

Folklore9074 · 12/09/2022 08:56

Can’t believe those saying the moral code was different. It was 2002, not 1972!

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/09/2022 08:58

What does he do for a living now?

I would want to know a bit more. Was he struck off by the GTC (as it then was)? Have you Googled his name?

MillyWithaY · 12/09/2022 08:59

I wonder how the girl involved feels about it now? Does she feel that he abused his position of power, that she was groomed, that he took advantage of a teenage crush? There are many valid and important reasons that teacher/pupil relationships are classed as a red line, so all of those posters saying they can't see a problem are being wilfully naive. In fact the law is clear on this...

"The law is crystal clear on this issue.
Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, any sexual relationship between someone who is in a position of trust, such as a teacher and a person to whom that trust extends, is criminal."

Most teenage girls experience a crush on a male teacher - I know I did. If he'd pursued me I would have loved it at the time, but I couldn't have handled it in a mature way and it would have messed me up completely. Teachers hold a unique position of trust, and what he did is gross abuse of that trust.

It would be a no from me.

PurpleWisteria · 12/09/2022 09:00

My friend fell in love with our chemistry teacher when we were in the sixth form. When he realised he felt the same way he resigned and got a job elsewhere before they started dating.

They recently celebrated their Golden Wedding. An age gap of 5 years is nothing.

Musti · 12/09/2022 09:00

britneyisfree · 12/09/2022 08:20

Only you can decide how you feel op.

My perspective on these types of things has shifted massively in the last few years. I dated much older men at that age too. Now I think they were basically predators and shouldn't have come any where near me.

4 years ago I wouldn't have cared, now I'd not want to be with a man who could do that.

Yep. A friend married very young to a man considerably older who already had kids. When young she didn’t see anything wrong with it. When she reached the age he was when he started seeing her, she could see how predatory it was. It was a very uneven relationship.

As a mum of teens I can see how despite them being mature, that they’re still young and impressionable and have a lot of growing up to do. Their first love is all encompassing. Having never experienced it before, they can’t fathom not feeling that way.

But teachers shouldn’t be looking at the kids they teach and considering them as sex fodder.

Even meeting them outside of school, 17 to 25 is a big gap - not even an adult with someone who has finished uni and started working.

MillyWithaY · 12/09/2022 09:01

If he was sacked for having a relationship with a pupil then that's a different matter.

I suspect that's what happened. I'd do some digging.

FabFitFifties · 12/09/2022 09:02

I would, like PP, be concerned that you have the sanitised version of events. Did it hit the papers? Was he sacked? Actual ages?

Musti · 12/09/2022 09:02

PurpleWisteria · 12/09/2022 09:00

My friend fell in love with our chemistry teacher when we were in the sixth form. When he realised he felt the same way he resigned and got a job elsewhere before they started dating.

They recently celebrated their Golden Wedding. An age gap of 5 years is nothing.

Genuinely curious - how did they realise they were both in love? Many of us fancied our geography teacher at our school. Should he have taken advantage?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/09/2022 09:03

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised the amount of women blithely saying it's not a problem considering how many always come and defend their age gap relationships.

It's nasty @In2minds88, I don't think I could be with a man who did this. I also think he's telling you a half truth as there's stuff out there that 'makes it seem worse than it was'.

Lunabun · 12/09/2022 09:04

pickledpotato · 12/09/2022 08:27

I'd genuinely have 0 issue with this

But this is MN where 90% of people will pretend to not understand what a 25 year old will see in a 17/18 year old yada yada

Well I'm 25 years old and the idea of thinking of an 18 year old in a romantic or sexual way genuinely makes me feel very queasy. It just doesn't compute in my brain to find someone of that age attractive.

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/09/2022 09:07

PurpleWisteria · 12/09/2022 09:00

My friend fell in love with our chemistry teacher when we were in the sixth form. When he realised he felt the same way he resigned and got a job elsewhere before they started dating.

They recently celebrated their Golden Wedding. An age gap of 5 years is nothing.

It's not about the age gap. It's about the imbalance of power and authority between the two parties. I'm glad that things have worked out for your friend and her husband and it sounds like they ensured there was some space before the change in relationship.

However OP's boyfriend would have trained to teach around the same time as me in the early 2000s and we certainly had explicit training on our responsibilities for safeguarding our older students, who might only be three or four years younger than us. It was made absolutely crystal clear that a relationship would be totally unethical. The devil is very much in the detail here.

Lalliella · 12/09/2022 09:08

I wouldn't have an issue with this. A 6th former would have been over the age of consent, and he removed the taboo barrier of teacher/student relationships by quitting his job. Foolishly, in retrospect, but he did the right thing at the time. It’s good he’s told you, and he’s done it at the right time. I’d forget about it now if I were you.

WhyI · 12/09/2022 09:09

In2minds88 · 12/09/2022 08:32

Think I have more questions to ask him. I was just so surprised by this that I didn’t ask everything I need to. Thanks for all your replies.

@In2minds88

If he tells you in more in details and left out stuff you have every right to consider not going further with him.

I wouldn't have an issue but if something else comes out more than what he said then yes consider ending it.

IAmAReader · 12/09/2022 09:09

I was 22 and I had an admire in a kid in the youth project I worked at . He was 19 and I didn't entertain it for a second although I thought his short-lived crush on me was quite amusing/sweet.

I always spoke to him the same way I spoke to the 16/17 year old boys and made it very clear he would be nothing more so he was respectful.

I think there's a significant difference between a 22 year old and 19 year old but then again if I had met him at a bar, given that he looked older than me and was 6ft 3...it may have been a different story,

Struggling to see how a teacher in 2002 in their mid 20s found this acceptable and was looking at one of his pupils that way. I'd imagine this behaviour was normalised in the 80s or early 90s but by the noughties we all knew this was predatory behaviour.

But that said... he admitted his fault, and confessed to it early on and I feel this is commendable. I think in your shoes I'd just check he was accurate in his retelling of this fiasco and he wasn't covering anything up eg. the girl was 17 and not 16 or he was actually fired or...the girl left him because he was smothering her .

But if all the facts have in fact been presented truthfully, and I was sure he seen the error in his ways, I'd probably move on from it.