Boyfriend told me something bad

[In2minds88]

My boyfriend told me something from his past that I’m really struggling with. When he was in his 20s, he left teaching to pursue a relationship with a 6th former. This was 20 years ago and he was a lot younger and obviously very stupid. I just don’t know how to take it. WWYD?

Lots of young teachers leave teaching in the first few years from what I've read, maybe he wasn't just leaving because of her.

At the end of the day it's an abuse of his position. Doesn't matter how anyone tries to sugarcoat it. It's morally and ethically wrong.

And yes, even when I was at school in the 90's it was a huge no no back then, it's always been the case in any role/job where adults are around children or even adults are in positions of trust.

Hmmm, well I slept with my teacher when I was at school 13 years ago, I don't agree the moral code has changed that much, the teachers were pretty pissed off, he got the sack and I got treated like shit the rest of school. I wasn't a sixth former though, I was year 11 and he didn't leave, he thought he could have his cake and eat it too! I enjoyed the fling for a few months but after that he started to get quite nasty, then he took me to a 'party' where everyone was shooting up heroin, it was the most depressing thing I've seen and I felt so nervous and vulnerable that I chose to walk home alone with a phone that had no charge at 3am. Never saw him again. After he got the sack he wasn't supposed to carry on having contact with me anyway, the police said but he still did. Nowadays I don't feel I was 'abused' but maybe taken advantage of a little(and he initiated all first contact and first meet and everything).

I’m shocked by people saying this is ok. If it’s so ok, why leave teaching? It’s not ok. And it’s not about the age gap, it’s about the teacher being a teacher.

Even if madly in love with one of the pupils at your school, how about exercising a little self control?

@Lunabun

Are you male?

Of course he did somehting wrong! He was a teacher in a position of power and she was 17....it's fucking disgusting now and it was equally disgusting 20 years ago.

BTW for the all the "it was different back then" loons, 20 years is 2002, not the 1950's. FFS

To anyone thinking she's over 16 so it's all grand, current legislation is explained below. This may not have been in place when OP's boyfriend decided to date his 17 year old pupil, but it shows that the legal system recognises the power imbalance in a situation like this. To the extent it's a criminal offence.

Across the UK, it is illegal for those in a position of trust to engage in sexual activity with a child in their care, even if the child is above the age of consent (16 or 17) (Sexual Offences Act 2003; Sexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 2008; Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009).

'Position of trust' is a legal term that refers to certain roles and settings where an adult has regular and direct contact with children. Examples of positions of trust include:
• teachers
• care workers
• youth justice workers
• social workers
• doctors.
In England, Wales and Northern Ireland changes to the law made in 2022 extend the definition to include:
• faith group leaders
• sports coaches.
It's against the law for someone in a position of trust to engage in sexual activity with a child in their care, even if that child is over the age of consent (16 or over).

Jesus. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. He should have been struck off.

It sounds as if this predates the 2003 act. Perhaps he thought resigning from his position removed the imbalance of power between them and left them free to pursue the relationship, albeit short lived.

I finished school in the late 80s. Back then, relationships between older students and teachers in a lot of schools would likely have been gossip rather than a sackable offence. The act was created to legally stop this from happening and when I heard about it, I was actually surprised at how so much times had changed since I was at school.

Unless you find he is lying, I wouldn’t have too much of an issue with this. Times have changed a lot. When I was 16-20 in the 80s/90s, I dated men, who were 10 years older than me. The last was well into his 30s. No one saw anything wrong with this at the time. Now, it is really icky and I would hate my 14 year old to follow in my footsteps.

You are wise to find out more about this.

Hmm the whole thing gives the me the ick if i'm honest and I don't think I could respect a man that tanked his career so he could get into the knickers of a teenage girl.

1. Check the accuracy of his account-if you have children, request police disclosure (Sarah's law).
2. Are you both a similar age now, is your relationship fairly evenly balanced (age, income etc). Some abusive men are attracted to women they see as vulnerable for whatever reason, and this can include wanting to go out with young people who may be easier to control and isolate.
3. We knew it was wrong in the 1990s and 2000s. A teacher at our school left to pursue a relationship with a 6th former and we thought he was disgusting. As pp have said, it is the abuse of authority rather than the age gap. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has to do what you say from 9-3, someone whose homework you mark, someone who has much less experience of the world than you?

The 2003 legislation merely codified as statute what was already in practice in the code of ethics for teachers. Codes of conduct and the teaching standards made this absolutely clear in the early 2000s.

I am sorry to hear that multiple pp attended schools which failed to protect their young people.

He said he wanted to tell me because he didn’t want it to come out further along the line and wanted to give me the chance to make up my own mind

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt in that case. Sounds like he just wants you have full awareness of past mistakes. We've all made them.

It seems like he got caught and fired rather than leaving, as they didn't even have a relationship at the end of it.

Also sounds like he is probably giving you a modified story to make himself look better.

And people giving stories about elderly acquaintances and saying 'it was different...' this was in 2002. Not the 50s. FFS.

In my own experience of being a 6th former, there were teachers we thought were cute but it would have been really inappropriate and creepy if one of them actually made a move. 17-18 is really young compared to mid-20s and IMO MN has a really weird attitude about it ('I was 13 when I met my 48 year old DH and we're happy as ever' etc).

It doesn't really matter what people think on here at the end of the day, OP. It's how you feel about it that counts.

I’m unsure how I would feel.

When I was 17 I went on a residential trip and although I didn’t see any sexual activity between teachers and students we did smoke weed with teachers/tutors/support staff and drank with them too. Pretty sure this wouldn’t be allowed now? It was mainly male teaching staff.

My dd is now 18 and I think I would be disgusted if a teacher started a relationship with her.

It sounds like he did something really stupid and he realises how stupid he was, he risked his career and his criminal record because he had a crush/fling with a 17 year old. I don’t think I would end it just because of this.

It would be a no from me.
Even at face value, he has demonstrated a lack of self control in his inability to remain within boundaries. I would be mistrustful of a man unable to control himself when faced with an attractive teenager, who would lose his job rather than manage his sexual behaviour.
I would also suspect that his 'confession' because it would 'come out at some point' means that there was some delay between the start of the relationship and his 'resignation'. Possibly the time it took for it to be discovered.

I'm a bit surprised by some of the comments here along the lines of 'morally, things were different back then'.

I was in the sixth form in the late 90s and it absolutely wasn't acceptable then. If it had happened at my school it would have been as big a deal as it would be now.

For me it isn't about the age gap it is the abuse of power. A teacher being open to seeing a school-age student (even if it's towards the end of their time in education) as anything other than someone to help guide through education is completely unacceptable. He made himself open to a relationship with a student. Regardless of his age, that is something nearly every teacher would not do.

17 to mid 20s is not a big age gap. When I was 17 I had a lovely 24 yr old boyfriend.

The teacher thing would be gross but he quit his job so he could date her, that’s principled.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this at all.

This. If he left his job to pursue this relationship I don't see the issue. If he'd tried to continue working as a teacher that would be a different story

I was at a girls school in the 90s and the younger male teachers spent a LOT of time distancing themselves from any girl who started any sort of crush on them. They were bloody nervous. Clearly it was inappropriate and career threatening back then.

But we had one teacher who left teaching and went to do a Masters in the same place as someone who had just finished A levels was doing her degree, and they got married when when she left university. He was in his early thirties when he left. They’re still together but that caused a bit of surprise. No idea if it was all a coincidence but I suspect not. He was not a teacher that anyone ever had a crush on and she was a very clever quiet girl and there were no rumours at all while she was at school.

Also, just to add, I have male friends who qualified as teachers in the early 2000s so probably around the same time frame as this guy. Because they were young men, female students became infatuated with them, that is very common. However they were horrified and found it uncomfortable. They put in place firm boundaries and if the problem persisted sought help from more experienced teachers on how to handle it. None saw it as an opportunity for a relationship.

Two main things stand out for me here. Firstly, the fact that he specially told you this to me means that he is a responsible, caring adult and that he clearly sees you as a potential long term partner who he values and respects. Many people wouldn’t mention it because they would chalk it off as something they did when they were young and dumb.

Secondly, the fact that he was willing to sacrifice being a teacher to be with this person says to me that he was quite immature but also quite a romantic. If he had enjoyed the power play between them he would’ve arguably kept the job and tried to keep the relationship on the side?

It’s not ok. But you realise he was probably asked to resign or face being sacked.

I also think it’s worth pointing out that the prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for impulse control- does not fully mature until mid 20s. So you can’t assume that he is still the sort of person who would lack self control. I would be looking for signs that he has grown up since them. He obviously feels remorse, which is a good sign.

In the mid nineties an acquaintance (we were 19-20) started dating one of the girls he coached for sport (16-17) and we all thought it was dodgy then.

So I don't think the moral code has shifted that much tbh. It would make me wary. I'd want to know more (a lot more!).