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Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
Sunnidaze · 09/09/2022 07:12

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:40

I just want to believe after 23 years and don't have any doubts in my mind.
Yes, she's been suffering with this, she said Why I would lie to you after 23 years

You're in control of whether or not you believe her. Nothing we say (and clearly nothing she has said, repeatedly, over the last 23 years) can change that. This is your problem to fix - either believer her, or don't. And if you decide you can't and don't, then set her free.

Georgeskitchen · 09/09/2022 07:13

Your wife has probably stayed in the marriage for 22.5 years longer than she should have. She's a better woman than I would be for putting up with that shit for so long!!

Brigante9 · 09/09/2022 07:14

23 years you’ve been banging on about this? For real? And she’s tolerated your constant doubts and nagging all this time? Jesus Christ.

youlightupmyday · 09/09/2022 07:16

Even your 'thank you for being honest' posts feel off.

TenoringBehind · 09/09/2022 07:17

Your poor wife.

Scirocco · 09/09/2022 07:17

@CK0513

So, am I right in thinking that 23 years ago, you read in your then-girlfriend's diary that she had not had sex with another man due to not having a condom, before the two of you were together ...?

If so, the issue here isn't really trust at all. The issue is that you're mentally obsessing over this to the point where you now face losing your wife because of your emotionally abusive behaviour about this. Read up on pathological jealousy and reflect on your own behaviour.

If you can't leave this in the past and instead keep torturing your wife and yourself with it, then let her go for her own happiness. She doesn't deserve to be abused. Nobody does.

Cosycover · 09/09/2022 07:19

Jesus christ.
You need individual therapy ffs.
Enjoy your divorce. Can't believe she lasted 23 years.

oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 07:21

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:43

What about what I read??/ Is that true that women write stupid things in diaries that are not true???

It doesn't matter. You're focusing on the wrong thing. Either let it go and never mention it again or understand that the relationship is over.

deedledeedledum · 09/09/2022 07:22

It's pretty obvious she used a condom. A) to have sex b) to 'fill with water'. Yeah that's just weird. She had sex. But it's been so long and it sounds like it happened either just before or at the very beginning of your dating. She's not going to change her story. She may not be able to as she has become so deeply attached to the weird 'filled with water' story but banging on about it for 23 years doesn't work. I think the two of you sound a little peculiar at best.

Fuuuuuckit · 09/09/2022 07:22

Wait.

This happened 23 years ago?

BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN DATING?

But you found out snooped in her diary when you were dating?

Did you read the diary entry on the day she was supposed to have had this illicit* encounter and potentially used the condom?

*perfectly reasonable encounter as it was before you got together

Fuck me op, I couldn't have kept up a lie for 23 years and I'm a stubborn old goat, never mind through therapy for all those years. This is blatant emotional abuse whereby you'll only be happy if she admits doing something that has no concern to you as it was before you were dating (or at least very early days). She should LTB

WaveyHair · 09/09/2022 07:23

a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true,

This is what makes me think you are taking the piss- men lie (not tell or write the truth) all the time. They have their own little fantasy worlds constantly-usually pictures in some form.

So your wife wrote hers down a fantasy - it happens. If she was having an affair she would have used more than one condom.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 09/09/2022 07:24

I've read this thread before!

Fuuuuuckit · 09/09/2022 07:24

I wonder if this is a reverse.

If so op then the relationship is dead in the water. Walk away with your head held high.

Cervinia · 09/09/2022 07:29

I’m not biting 😜

Agadoodoododont · 09/09/2022 07:29

You’ve been harassing your wife about this for 23 years? And you read her diary 23 years ago? I’m surprised she’s stayed with you.
Are you the same person you were 23 years ago? Most people tend to grow up and mature over time.
Your wife gave you her answer, she hasn’t changed it. If you didn’t believe her you had the choice to end the relationship 23 years ago. I’d view your constant harassment over 23 years as abusive.
And what she writes in her diary is private. She can write what the hell she wants.

AlbertaAnnie · 09/09/2022 07:31

Sounds like you need to get some therapy for yourself, never mind couples therapy. This is not a normal way to behave. I hope this post is fake. If it’s not it’s such a sad life for you both

JustJustWhy · 09/09/2022 07:32

You've obsessed over this for 23 years. It's embedded in your psyche and no amount of therapy will ever lead to you letting it go. So let her go, the poor sod.

Shreik · 09/09/2022 07:33

You don't want honesty, you just want her to tel you what you think happened. She may have been being honest for 23 years but that is not good enough for you. Leave the poor woman alone, fuckinghell

Cas112 · 09/09/2022 07:36

Can't believe she stayed 23years to be honest

Thinkingblonde · 09/09/2022 07:40

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:49

My only question here, I'm not sure if a men can answer, What's the whole idea of the diary??? to write fantasies???? Im always thought it was to write facts about you life

A diary is personal to the owner of said diary, They can write whatever they want in it: facts, fantasies, important dates, musings, angry thoughts, happy thoughts…whatever.
I’ve never kept a diary since the day I found an ex reading mine, it’s the reason he’s an ex, he intruded on my privacy and used my words against me. I ended it, I couldn’t trust him after that. There was nothing in my diary for me to to be ashamed of, it was the fact he felt entitled to read it and then take the piss out of me.
Your wife is a saint to have put up with your emotional abuse for 23 years. And that is what you are doing.
The outcome depends on you, she’s done her part by going through years of therapy, you either let it go and accept she is telling the truth or you let her go, you divorce and you both find a life with other people.
I’d have divorced you years ago.

supersop60 · 09/09/2022 07:41

So this may or may not have happened before you got married ?(before you dated, even?)
It's none of your business.
She married you didn't she?
You say you love each other - I'd say that this behaviour of yours is not love. Give it a rest.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/09/2022 07:41

Whether she did or didn't is irrelevant now..

You can't get over potential infedelity.. so yes I think you should seperate.. even if she did she has suffered enough .. you have to get over things and move on.

AndSoFinally · 09/09/2022 07:43

Why do you even care if she had sex with someone before you even dated?!

Was she supposed to be a virgin when you married?

I cannot understand being this hung up by something that happened before you were a couple?! What is the real reason you're so bothered by this???

Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2022 07:45

I’m not surprise she wants a divorce, 20+ years of you not trusting her and not believing her story, I’m surprised she hasn’t left you sooner.

I have condoms in my bedside drawer, they have been there for years and a few are missing, i have been dating someone that I don’t use condoms with, if he snooped in my drawer I would be a bit pissed off, if he questioned why there were condoms in there I would tell him to mind his own business (though I really should get rid as they are out of date). I know people that write down fantasies in a book/diary, it’s not unusual. You shouldn’t have married this woman if you don’t trust her, sounds like you have put her through years of hell questioning something that probably happened before she even got with you, or something that never happened.

toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2022 07:51

So when did you snoop and when did this supposed condom event happen, before or after you were dating?