Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I resolve this issue about the condom

437 replies

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:18

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

OP posts:
Flaunch · 09/09/2022 07:51

23 minutes of your nonsense would have been to much for me. She’s been a saint to put up with it for years!

frazzledasarock · 09/09/2022 07:52

You only want to hear her confess regardless of facts.

if after 23 years you are still badgering and torturing her to ‘confess’ and just point blank lie so you can have your I knew it you lying cheater moment. You as a PP wrote are an utter fruit loop.

your marriage is dead in the water and you’ve mentally abused your wife for 23 years. I hope she finds the strength to leave you and never looks back.

blepp · 09/09/2022 07:54

You've kept on at her for 23 years about this?

Butterfly44 · 09/09/2022 07:56

Unfortunately it's now beyond what happened with the condom/diary. 23 years has passed and you haven't let go. You've different problems that have manifested. She wants to divorce.

AgentJohnson · 09/09/2022 08:00

If you are honest with yourself, you don’t trust your wife and I think what you really want to hear is that she lied and cheated and because you haven’t heard that, you have opted to badger her until she confirms that suspicion. If after 23 years you can’t let it go then you should let her go.

Your wife can not convince you of something you don’t want to believe. No amount couple’s therapy can change that.

Thefriendlymoth · 09/09/2022 08:01

this Is bonkers. Basically unless she “admits” it, you won’t believe her. Truly hope she leaves you, I’ve spent all of 2 minutes of this thread and I’m at my limit with your questioning and logic. Woman is a saint.

TR888 · 09/09/2022 08:05

This is what I think.

For you, this issue is an obsession and it's unlikely to ever go away. There has to be some mental health issue here or some form of neurodivergence perhaps for you to be not be able to come out of this thinking loop.

Do you punish your wife in a similar way for other things you perceive her to be at fault? Someone who obsesses in this way is likely to be extremely difficult to live with in other areas of life.

MadamTrelawney · 09/09/2022 08:08

Maybe it wasn’t as such a diary but more of a way to be creative and explore different ideas and concepts or a way to destress.

I know over the years I’ve been occasionally writing short stories/poetry not for anyone else to read but I do find it a nice way to destress particularly if I have had a a lot going on. It takes me away from focussing on that. Also my husband knows I do it but doesn’t feel the need to ever “go snooping”.

And no I don’t think it’s just a thing women do. Plenty of men I know are into creative writing and journaling. Nothing wrong with it.

The issue is not whether or not you wife cheated 23 years ago. It’s about the fact that you want to be proven right. You have been to therapy on and off for the whole 23 years? And I can imagine you have been berating her daily about this.

You want us to tell you she has cheated. But after 23 years of you dragging her on this and multiple times in therapy she has maintained that she never cheated, I would say she probably has been faithful. I also think she has given enough of her life up to be with you. Give her the divorce and let the poor woman live and find happiness.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2022 08:10

CK0513 · 09/09/2022 02:49

My only question here, I'm not sure if a men can answer, What's the whole idea of the diary??? to write fantasies???? Im always thought it was to write facts about you life

I know
Maybe we could all share the fantasies that we have and might have written down
Do you think that would help?

EndTheMonacyNow · 09/09/2022 08:12

Strange thread

Did you marry after the diary incident or before?

newbiename · 09/09/2022 08:13

@CK0513 if all this happened before you started dating it's nothing to do with you.
I'd have told you to fuck off a long time ago.
God knows how she's put up with you for 23 years.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 09/09/2022 08:15

i hope your wife finds happiness when she leaves you OP.

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2022 08:15

Thank goodness she’s getting out. It must have been unbearable for her.

DarkForces · 09/09/2022 08:16

I don't think this has anything to do with whether she cheated or not at this point. You've used scant 'evidence' to hector and blame her for 23 years so you could cast yourself in the role of good and her as bad. It's given you an excuse to behave badly for 23 years. It's an addiction and so ingrained if she confessed you'd just move onto that being an obsession. Move on. This toxicity is a waste of both your lives

Fingeronthebutton · 09/09/2022 08:23

Total bollocks. Who looks in a random drawer for a pen and then lo and behold there’s a box of condoms that you’ve never seen before.

InsomniacVampire · 09/09/2022 08:25

But if she didnt do it, why do you eant her to say she did at all cost?????

Mirrorcell · 09/09/2022 08:29

This is really sad. You have tortured yourself for 23 years over this. You have also effectively harassed and emotionally abused the woman you love for 23 years over this. You have spent time, energy and money (therapist) on this.

you chose to continue dating her. You chose to create a life with her and you presumably chose to marry her. That’s pretty cruel to then torture her with this for 23 years.

Even if it was true it sounds like it was early days in your dating. If it’s not true then think what your constant questioning and accusing has done to her. How demoralising. You say you love each other - that’s more than so many people have in life. 23 years of the woman loving you (and by god she loves you to put up with this nonsense).

There are some great books on line about cheating and infidelity and how to get over it. Some people cannot, some can. Have you read them (in private)? You will have turned these thoughts into common recurring thoughts by placing so much energy into them. Why not do some reading and get over it! You will never know the truth but you do know she has given you 23 devoted years!!!

make your choice and go with it. Stop this torture. It’s such a waste of energy. This should have been done with in the 1990s!

AlisonDonut · 09/09/2022 08:30

I'm guessing you are here because you know she reads MN and you are trying in some way to get women to agree that they only ever write FACTS and she's spent 23 years of you banging on about this so I say this to your wife - please don't waste another day with this obsessive stalkery weirdo.

I hope today is the day you get away.

Caroffee · 09/09/2022 08:34

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 02:34

@Thegrowlery give the guy a chance, his wife might have cheated on him, i know that would bother me for a while if i didnt think i was getting the truth

For 23 years???? They should have split up 20 years ago.

NiceCupOfTea2 · 09/09/2022 08:36

What you doing reading her diary? Id have been furious you did this to start with. Let it drop or divorce, who can be bothered for 23 years. If you don't believe her breakup.

Mirrorcell · 09/09/2022 08:37

You made me think of this article. I hope you get over it and treat your wife amazingly well. Good luck to you.

www.stephenhedger.com/tortured-by-the-past/#.YxrsxuR4UlQ

NiceCupOfTea2 · 09/09/2022 08:38

This was when you were dating early days, Jesus you really do need to let it drop!

KosherDill · 09/09/2022 08:43

igor · 09/09/2022 02:41

Just read back, I'm not surprised she wants a divorce. Good luck to her, she lasted 23 more years that I would've

Agree.

BadNomad · 09/09/2022 08:46

Even if she says tomorrow, "You're right. I lied. I did use the condom" you won't ever know if it's the truth or if she's just saying it because you've worn her down so much she can't cope with it any more. Like how the police coerce false confessions out of suspects.

At this stage, you are the issue. The truth doesn't even matter.

Thinkingblonde · 09/09/2022 09:06

If this happened before you met this is even more illogical. What happened before you met is none of your business.

If she turned the tables and said Yes, it’s true, you’d continue with the abuse, you’d subject her to yet more years of it. Except the script would change…”Who was he, was he better than me, how long did it last, how many times,”
I hope she does divorce you