How can I resolve this issue about the condom

[CK0513]

How can I resolve this issue about the condom?

Silly situation where the only thing I been looking for is honesty.

23 years ago, I started dating my now wife, we love each other in a big way, at that moment one day by mistake I ended up snooping into drawers, looking for a pen and I found a box of condoms where one of them was missing, then I found a Diary where she wrote this. “Neither one of us had a condom so we need to wait” , we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years where she's trying to make me understand that she never used that condom with that guy, she wrote as a fantasies that people write in diaries, as a men I truly don't understand how a person write things that are not true, Is that true that women write fantasies in diaries? she's been suffering so much because this, me on top of her on this issue asking for honesty, and always the same story of her saying that she grabbed the condom and fill it with water by curiosity. It’s been 23 years and she can't take it anymore, she's tired and after lots of tears and pain , we are again in therapy, she's still fighting for me insisting that she's not lying, I need to stop on this but all I’m looking is honesty, she's the most honest person I know and I know I’m about to loose her. Please serious comments on this issue.

Well it's all irrelevant anyway as it happened before you were dating so none of your business surely.

Ok OP you and I have to have have word about trust and the very concept of truth/honesty itself. Man to man even, yes I am a man.

You have I am afraid conflated the principles knowledge with trust. None of us are omniscient and what you are looking for is certainty. Trust can never really give you that, at least not really. The whole point of trust is to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, in fact you can’t ever really have trust without doubt. Wether you can trust was always on you and never on her.

Thing is we can ALL doubt the fidelity of our partners, wether with rational reason or no. Maybe your wife really is fucking amazing and you don’t feel worthy enough and are looking for external justification for that insecurity, maybe she did cheat, it was ONE moment of weakness that has never been repeated, maybe she is just a fundamentally dishonest person and you are better off discovering this and finding someone more worthy.

You have taken two facts, and yes they are facts I’ll give you that, and absent any other data points hung your entire trust issue on these two points. Then, and if honesty and truth are so important to you then take this to heart: you have been emotionally abusive to the woman you love for 23 years…

Please let that sink in. You snooped, found two objectional things and confronted her. She gave you an answer to which your options were either to trust her and put it behind you, or not and then leave her. You however tried to do both, and stay with her only to hold this over her head in perpetuity. Even if she HAD lied you have used it to do incalculable emotional harm. At this point I suggest you man up and pick a lane. Either way she deserves a massive apology from you.

Look man I get it I’ve been there, I’ve been cheated on and it blows, but no matter what I will NEVER surrender my capacity to trust, because trust and love go hand in hand. Let it go or not that’s up to you, either way you have let a lot of toxicity enter into your psyche and you have a lot of work to do. Stay in therapy whatever you choose.

How has she put up with this shit for 23 years?!

you say your looking for honesty but what if she is being honest and you can’t except that, you either need to move on from it or go your separate ways this isn’t a happy life for either of you

Just a thought, why does the OP get to hold the power to "let his DW free". She's perfectly entitled to sling her hook and get the hell out, she doesn't need to wait for the man to give his permission.

i find it lacks credibility that the discovery of the box of condoms was so conveniently linked to a diary entry explaining about the condoms, really??

Be honest OP, you don’t believe your wife and need to let her go.
If she did cheat you’ll never forgive her, that’s very clear.
You’re obsessed.

Can you read ? "neither one of us had a condom" so obviously there was no condom at the time. And she passed the test. Because she said " so we have to wait". She didn't go silly and have sex without protection. So she would have needed and condom to do something with the guy and she didn't at the time of temptation. She might have taken a condom later on but was never able to premeditate cheating on you. It stopped in her mind. It's so simple. I don't get you that you don't get it. And yes she wrote it down. She did not cheat on you, she would never have lasted 23 years. She picked you over the other guy when there was an attraction, but you won. Whilst you did not know, whilst you were not there. I think this is the bit you don't believe. Have faith. Or you let her go.

You don't want honesty you want her to tell you the story you've come up with in your mind is true. Jesus, she should have whacked you over the head 20 years ago after 3 years of your emotional abuse as she'd be out by now.

What if she's telling the truth? Why are you so determined to force her to say she isn't?

you have been emotionally abusive to the woman you love for 23 years…

As a previous poster put it, exactly this. Your poor wife.

I've been in the position of being constantly accused by a suspicious partner. You can't prove a negative, so even though I was entirely innocent with every paranoid accusation, if there's no trust then the relationship cannot work. It's tiring constantly having to defend yourself.

Whether she's cheated or not, I have no idea. She's remained steadfast for 23 years so it's on YOU now to either accept what she says and never ever mention it again, or you split up. It really is as simple as that and tbh I think you should split as you obviously won't let it go.

I don't think this is a trust issue. More like an obsession. Even if you split I believe you will still be obsessed at least she will have the chance of a happier life

No one here knows if your wife was telling the truth or not. It seems ridiculous to have spent 23 yrs with someone you don't trust, do you have children?

The way you resolve this is what you should have done 23 yrs ago. Decide you don't believe her and leave or accept she is telling the truth and never mention it again.

This happened before you were together. You saying she couldn't have a past? Everyone has a past - EVERYONE!!

Im guessing from the way you write, either you have learning difficulties or your foreign and this is a culture thing. But either way, you have some serious issues beyond this condom.

what you are doing is ABUSE pure and simple PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELF, LEAVE YOUR WIFE AND DO HER THAT ACT OF KINDNESS!!

Your poor wife. This is emotional abuse and she needs to leave.

OP, you have had therapy and in 23 years haven't been able to move past this issue. It is clear the only thing you want to hear is an admission of guilt as that would make these 23 years of angst and distrust justified. If you were to somehow get confirmation that she hadn't ever cheated - think how you would feel having held this over her head for 23 years, letting it affect your every day life and ultimately ending your marriage. You need her guilt to justify your own actions and feelings.

If the suspicions you found and the uncertainty wasn't bearable for you - you should have left 23 years ago. It isn't fair to stay and keep hounding her. You both have autonomy. You chose to stay knowing there was suspicious behaviour. She has every right to end this marriage as your behaviour over the last 23 years is worse than whatever she did or didn't do 23 years ago.

Given she stuck it out for 23 years, she might be the kind of person who is willing to forgive you if you actually could let it go but it doesn't seem you can do that so there is really no option other than to end the marriage. Why would she want to keep living with a husband who doesn't trust or respect her.

What Dervel said.

There's a really decent chance that what your wife has been saying consistently over the last 23 years is the truth.
Your actions over that long, long time show that you actually just want her to tell you that she cheated, whether that's true or not.
Why are you doing that? I think the answer to that question might help you.

You've blagged her head for 23 years over this. She should have dumped you years ago. Even if she had cheated you don't do what you've done for over 2 decades.

Not to mention you went snooping in the first place.

Let her go and leave her alone.

If she is saying she needs to leave the relationship because of this, but is still protesting her innocence, I would be inclined to believe her - she has nothing to lose at this point! If she had done it, surely she would just tell you!

After 23 years of listening to you going on and on about it I'm suprised the poor woman hasn't done time in jail for murder. She must be an absolute Saint

OP
It won’t make you feel better to ‘know the truth’

It doesn’t MATTER if she’s lying or not- YOU DON’T TRUST HER. Just let the relationship go, it isn’t working. Let it go

@CK0513
we been thru therapist on and off for 23 years

Well, that doesn't seem to be working does it?

I'd cancel the therapist and save your money to pay for a divorce.

Women aren't a single entity. I don't write fantasy in a diary but it doesn't mean others don't. Individuals do different things. Anyway this is something you should have either, at the time, decided to put it behind you and move on or separate. The fact you're still torturing her after 23 years is astounding.